I remember reading a very interesting post somewhere on a website. It said that life was not like a John Green novel. That we shouldn't be looking for that one person to come and change us. That we didn't need love to change us. But I completely revoke that statement. Because to me that was exactly what I needed. I need love to change me. I needed...
I needed him to change me.
He sat at the far end of the library, reading a history book about the legacy of Teddy Roosevelt. His auburn hair framed his thin, pale face. The brilliant stormy grey eyes flashed from side to side as he read the passage. It wasn't like me to stare. It wasn't like me to even be in the historical side of the library. For the most part, I stayed in the isles full of fiction books and comics. But a book about the Great Depression led me to what I think was fate.
I sighed slightly, burying my face back into my book before he could take note of my eyes on him. This was crazy...I didn't even know his name. My hand switched the page of the manga (Japanese comic) I was reading.In this comic, the girl had seen a good looking guy who would probably be her love interest later on. It all happened so conveniently in this book. Girl takes notice of guy, brushes it off like she is uninterested, and somehow manages to trip and fall, and the guy appears out of nowhere to catch her before she hits the ground. If I had randomly tripped, he wouldn't catch me, though. He would probably stare, and, at best, wonder if I was okay.
I got up from my place, stretched and wondered off to use the bathroom. I worried all the way there about whether or not he would be there. After doing my business, I glanced in the mirror at myself. Did I even stand a chance? I ran my hands through my short, curly, black hair. My skin was pale, but not an attractive fairness. It was more vampy, like I haven't seen the sun in years (which was partially true). My deep brown eyes had horrible bags under them since I suffered from insomnia, and my wrist were purple from fresh bruises (a story I will explain later). I was thin? Almost too thin, though, thanks to my lack of an eating habit (I usually only eat when I'm hungry, which wasn't very often).
My hands braced against the edges of the sink as I felt my head start to fill up with all my old self-criticism. Breathe, Corra, I thought to myself, taking a deep breathe, this isn't you anymore. One thing I should mention about myself is that I have had a terrible case of anxiety and depression. Which is why I have all those other little problems. I was seeing a councilor, now, so it was progressively getting better. I took antidepressants every morning. My home life was getting better. I was...I was okay now....
I washed my hands and exited the restroom. I walked back to my place in the history section and found myself face to face with the stormy eyed stranger. He was at my book pile, where it seemed he had been going through the books I was reading.
"Hey..." He said, his voice smooth like honey with a slight accent. What was it...? English?
"Hello..." I said quietly. This was surreal...Why was he talking to me...?
"You're reading Fruits Baskets?" He asked, holding up one of the manga.
"Uhm..yeah..." My hands dug themselves into my pockets in order to stop them from shaking. I was getting a bit anxious now that he was talking to me. I didn't talk to many new people. Meeting new people often proved too much for me in certain circumstances.
"And you read John Green books...?" He picked up the book called An Abundace of Katherines.
"Yes. Uhm...Is there a point to your questioning...?" Dope, that sounds rude. "I-I'm sorry....I just...This is strange..."
"Oh, right..." He said, brushing his hair from the front of his eyes. "Hello, I am Ethan Darcy. I did, by the way, notice you staring at me. I would appreciate it if you would actually try to say hi, instead of just lookin'. I mean, do I really look that unapproachable?"
"Well, I-I mean-Well..." My body started to shake a bit. The first sign of my anxiety. I didn't mean to make it obvious I was staring. My fist balled up in my pockets as I tried not to look him directly in the eyes. My throat tightened as well, making the words come out a bit strangled.
Ethan looked at me strangely as I tried to compose myself. He put his hand on my shoulder and shook me slightly.
"Hey...Hey I was just jokin'. Are you okay there?" His grey eyes scanned my face. "Sit. Now." He lead me to my chair and sat me down.
"I-I'm sorry..." I managed to say. "I k-kind of get like this..."
He chuckled. "Don' you worry. I know I am terribly intimidating." He smirked, his face turning a bit dark. This made me smile a bit, my shaking subsiding for now.
"There we go. You look a ton better." He said, flashing his pearly white teeth.
"Uhm...Irish...? Is that what your accent is...?" I asked suddenly, recognizing it.
"Ah, so you hear that did ya?" Ethan shook his head a bit and sat down in the chair next to me.
"Well, it is pretty distinctive..." I said, starting the bad habit of picking at my cuticles.
"Well, my family and I came from Ireland when I was 4." He said, picking up one of my Ellen Hopkins novels and scanning it. "How about you? You have told me not one thing about ya self."
"I'm...My name is Corra..." My voice lost its quiver and I felt my anxiety slipping away.
From there we talked for a good hour before he had to leave. It was nice. I was at ease with him.
"Ah, well, shall we talk to each other again soon?" He said, holding out his hand. "Uhm...Can I text you or something?"
I shook his hand. "I-well, I don't have a cell phone." I admitted, my hands wringing together again.
"Is that so?" He thought for a minute. "Well, then how about I meet you here again, next week? Same time?"
I smiled, a blush rising to my cheeks as I nodded. He walked to his car and drove away as I walked off to my house. Maybe my life could be like a John Green book.
But what did I need saving from?
I was on my way home when I thought about this question.
Well, the reason why I was here in the first place is also how I explain the source of my mental problems. When I was four, my mother divorced my father and left our small family in order to pursue her dream of becoming a writer. This left me with my father. At first, it was okay. I remember being at my grandmother's house most of the time and we lived there happy together. When my father moved out is when the trouble started.
My dad moved out to Los Angeles and got mixed up in the wrong type of business. One night, strange men came to our apartment while my father was out and ram-shacked the place. I had taken refuge in an old cupboard in my closet as they searched the place, turning over everything. They must have found what they were looking for, since the man was about to open the cupboard where I was hiding when they stopped searching and left. I stood in the cupboard, though, until my father came home. He was in a fury, and was frantically searching for something when he found me. He yelled something about how I should have protected it and how he was going to be killed, then beat me. For months after that, he came home bloodied and bruised, and would put me in the same condition later. It seemed like around that time is when the fits started. Shaking uncontrollably whenever anyone touched me, or whenever I was put on the spot was what concerned my teachers the most, but it wasn't until about three months ago that anyone had bothered to try and take me away from my father. Not till after he tried to overdose...
Now here I was in Oregon, living with my mother. For the most part, my mother was nice. She made sure I was situated and comfortable, and she had taken a week off of work to help me settle in when I first arrived. It seems like everything was going to be okay.
I was brought out of my memories when I noticed the pain in my wrist. I had been grabbing it too hard again, to stop the shaking. Another bad habit. Standing outside my mother's house, for a minute I thought it was dumb to hope I would be saved....
I suppose for right now it was okay to hope that.
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Continued in Ch. 2
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
So I saw chapter 2 of this is the Green Room, so I thought I'd review this before reading that one. What I liked about this is you're showing the perspective of a girl with some problems that she's trying to deal with, and so far you've shown it really well. It's also something a few people can relate too. I think you showed quite a lot about both the characters in this chapter, and some of the dialogue was really good.
My first critique is that when you are describing the MC, the girl, I felt it was a bit too long. The physical description was good, but then you went on to say she had bruises, and insomnia, and a bit later on that she has anxiety and depression. It was a bit of an information overload, and seeing as this is one chapter of many, you don't need to reveal everything straight away. And more importantly, a lot of this stuff shouldn't just simply be told. Revealing she has bruises and suffers insomnia should really be done when it's convenient in the story, not just convenient for you, when it's relevant in the story, then you can mention it. The anxiety thing, you already showed it loads later on in the chapter with her shaking and feeling nervous, so you don't need to state it all the time. Like here,
Showing that her body is shaking shows that she has anxiety, so you don't really need to state it.
I found Ethan's character a bit odd. I mean firstly, he's quite rude at her because she was staring, but I think most boys would be more flattered, unless he's just quite a forward person. Basically, that part came off as really rude, so you might want to make it sound a bit more joke-y. Also, you really need to show more of why your MC likes him so much, because right now I really don't see it, and to create an empathetic MC you need to show why she likes him.
This bit was strange too because you show her having extreme anxiety, and then skip the part where the anxiety goes, which I think is actually really important. Why does her anxiety go? She was SO nervous to begin with so I think you need to show this more.
Lastly, I think the backstory at the end with the parents is way too long. I think generally, you've put in a lot of information in this chapter which could've been scattered out a bit more in different chapters. Putting in lots of information which isn't yet relevant to the story won't draw your the readers in, so just don't feel like you have to show everything right away.
Overall, I liked this. It was really intriguing, and makes me want to read more. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hey! I really loved this and I'm looking forward to the next installment
Hi there!!! I loved it. keep trying baby
Hi. This is very well written. (It's sooooo much better than my work!) You did a great job describing the handsomeness of Ethan. I absolutely love the line, "his voice smooth like honey with a slight accent". I never thought of comparing the sound of a voice to honey. Very clever, descriptive and unique!
Hi there, MissAtomicBomb. GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this fabulous Monday night. Before I start this one up though, I just gotta tell you that your username is my favorite one that I've ver seen on YWS. To be blunt, it's F-in cool. Also, I shall be following you immediately after I finish this 'cause you referenced fruits basket. Though I haven't read that one I've heard great things about it. I guess you could say that I am wildly obsessed with anime and manga, and my manga reflex has won the battle with my self control tonight.
I love the character of Corra and am actually really looking forward to seeing where this goes in chapter 2 and beyond! I hope this review is helpful for you and remember, NEVER STOP WRITING, Buddy! ;D
Now then, back to business lol.
*clears throat*
Before I hit you with the constructive criticisms here, I want to commend you for some of the things you've done well in this opening chapter. Please excuse the longevity of this section of the review, because there are quite a lot of things that I liked about this chapter.
The first thing I'd like to point out that I thought you did well was the way you developed your main character, Corra and your supporting character, Ethan. One of the hardest things for a writer of a first-person novel to do is to give their main character a unique and interesting narrative voice while also keeping it fairly realistic. No matter what, we should always aim to create three-dimensional and dynamic characters that require some kind of emotional engagement from the audience, but whenever we overdo it, it becomes quite obvious and our characters stop being relatable and interesting. With both of the central characters you introduced in this chapter, you seem to have stricken just the right balance between realism and uniqueness. Equally unique and enthralling is the dynamic between the two of them. It's going to be very interesting to watch their relationship develop and evolve and to see just where you're going to take it with this. They often say opposites attract, and as an extrovert who almost exclusively has fallen for more introverted and quiet girls in the past, this work felt remarkably familiar to me...minus the bruises, the anxiety, and the Irish accent. Still, way to go with character design and planning there. That actually brings me to my next point because what I love most about what you've done with the character of Corra is that you've made her vulnerable.
When I say that you've made her vulnerable, I don't mean that you've turned her into a victim and nothing more, because judging from this chapter, she's much, much more than that. The image I got of Corra (which btw I'm sort of hoping was a play on Korra because i love ATLA and ATLOK) is one of somebody who has had a tough go from the very beginning of their life and had almost nothing ever get any easier for them, but who isn't quite ready to let it do them in. I also received an image os somebody who has more love to give than they realize and a burning need to give it. I have had my personal struggles with depressive thoughts and social anxiety disorder, so I definitely relate to some of the feelings and thoughts she's describing in this chapter. What I see in Corra is actually a little bit of myself. Or rather, I see that there's a little bit of Corra within my own emotional make-up. By making Corra such a complicated and vulnerable character, you've provided your audience with someone to root for as the novel progresses. Don't get me wrong, nine times out of ten, we want to root for the protagonist, but it's always great when a writer can make that protagonist someone who's really worth rooting for. I think Corra fits the bill pretty well. In the same token, her vulnerability coupled with Ethan's seemingly well-refined self-assurance is something else your audience can root for too. I guess the big hope here would be that each of them gets something from the other out of this relationship. So far, you've already laid out what Corra needs from Ethan; she needs someone to love and someone to offer that same love back as well as someone to tell her she's more than just a victim. But you haven't outlined exactly what Ethan needs from Corra. That's actually a really good thing because it leaves the reader with some questions in mind going forward and makes them think harder about the dynamic between the two and how it will progress.
The next thing I love about this chapter is the way you have managed to work in some outside elements (no ATLA/ATLOK pun intended) to illuminate the central themes and ideas of this chapter. The whole running idea about life not being like a John Green novel is really profound and I think that it works wonders towards helping the reader better understand your main character. I also like the whole theme of the depression/anxiety. Not just because it makes Corra unique and relatable, but also because it serves as a pretty good juxtaposition from Ethan's presumed characteristics and further emphasizes the idea of love as a form of healing. From that simple idea, you cpuld explore and entire dichotomy of ideas about how love/romance can impact someone's life for the better or even for the worse. Will this relationship stay platonic? Will it become romantic? If it does become romantic will it become obsessive, abusive and dark? Or will it become warm, open, and therapeutic like we hope it will? What exactly you choose to do with that really matters a lot less than the fact that you've given yourself all of those options here. In addition, those are all questions that the reader can latch onto and look forward to receiving the answers to later on. Good work; Jolly-Good Show, Old Sport.
Now we'll move into the constructive criticism portion of this review. Fear not, it's much, much shorter than the last section LOL.
*clears throat* *looks determinedly out into the cool night air* *takes deep breath*
Although this chapter is just so full of awesomely awesome awesomeness, I'd recommend a couple adjustments to pacing and word choice.
I'm not sure whether you were in a hurry when you wrote this one up, but it seems like there's a few places where you've used a word where you probably meant to use a different one. It doesn't really take that much away from the greatness of this chapter, but I think a few nice and slow proofreads could do this some good. Try to focus on figuring out your word agreements and syntax. If I were you though, I wouldn't let it bother too much. Like I said, it doesn't subtract much from how good this chapter is.
Pacing! Oh, pacing. It can often make or break a literary work, especially a novel. Pacing, my dear friend, isn't everything, but it's certainly half the battle. Okay, okay, more like one third. Even so, it's important to have proper pacing of events and descriptions when writing any narrative-style piece. In this chapter, you've done a great job setting up the foundation for the rest of the novel. That's extremely important for any first chapter. However, the way you've opened this thing up has come at a small price. I'm not quite sure why, but the pacing of this chapter just seems like it's a little bit fast. It's always cool to get your readers right up to speed and put them right in the middle of the characters' world, but if you try to do it too fast, it can make it difficult for your audience to keep up. When Corra and Ethan first start talking, everything's going pretty great. Your dialogue is nice, things make sense, and the early dynamic between the two is starting to take shape. When you get to the climax of their dialogue though, everything cuts off and you end the scene by saying that they talked for an hour or so and Corra felt safe and secure around Ethan. I understand what you're going for there, but I think that there needs to be some more progression there leading up to that change in her feelings. In other words, you should spend just as much time deconstructing Corra's insecurity paradigms as you did building them up. The ending just seemed to come a little bit too quick. I also felt like the answers to some of the big questions you could've used to keep reader's interested going down the road came a little too quickly, specifically the story behind Corra's bruises and her mental health difficulties. I think that a mention of her mental health issues was very important to include, but I also think you could've touched on that just a little bit lighter and provided the audience with more context as the story unfolds. All in all, this chapter was awesome, though.
Thanks for sharing this one. I wish you luck as you continue your journey with this one!
Thank you for your full and honest critiquing! I always appreciate it. In an answer to your question: yes, I originally did play the name off of the name Korra from the Avatar. I'm happy to meet someone who also likes anime and manga on here. I hope you will continue to read this story to answer the rest of your questions and I will keep in mind the things I need to change. Thank you!
No problem. Same here!
I'm glad I could offer you a helpful review. 