Mystery Of The Golden Dagger

Misinterpreted wrote:THE MYSTERY OF THE GOLDEN DAGGER



There was a Cold and Icy I'm not sure if you want to have all these capitalized if Cold and Icy are characters or something. If they don't have a significance tied to them, I would make them lowercase. That goes for all the words you capitalized that you don't really need to. wind blowing upon Fair View banks this Monday morning
All the residents were Preparing to 'Batten down the hatches'
due to a Hurricane warning.

But on this particular day The Hurricane would be the least of the Residents worries, A Long held secret revealed which will Break the very foundations that Hold their lives together .. I see that you have some foreshadowing going on here but really...it's kind of obvious that something horrible is going to happen, right? My advice would be do maybe describe the hurricane like a horrible, ruthless storm and then the reader can pretty much infer that much, you know?


"Morning Jakey" "oh hey Jenny" Jake and Jenny went way back Huh? I'm not sure if you want this to be dialogue or not. I would just totally rewrite this.

Jake And Jenny were the best of friends and have been since birth , for you see their mothers were blood sisters and after a ritual event went wrong which took place at their Boardinghouse, they became even closer .. Ehh...I think I know what you mean but that means that Jake and Jenny are brother and sister, right? Ick if I am



"Hey Jake! Have you see the new Neighbour? Mrs Benson I think her name is" What, the dead lady is the same lady that just moved in??? Try to really get across what you mean here.

"what new neighbour?" asked Jake comma looking a bit perplexed

"Um the lady up on Old Hampton Street!" exclaimed Jenny, But Jake just stared at her in bewilderment

Then suddenly a thought crossed Jakes' mind and he gave a shudder for he had seen no one up there ever since that fateful and tragic night..
The night He had Found Mrs Benton Dead in her Study! He was only a boy at the time.
But He chose to block out those bad memories from his mind
"um no I haven't yet! What does she um look like?”

"what's wrong Jake? You look like you have seen a Ghost!

"Nah it's Nothing Jen just getting a bit chilly is all come on then lets go inside! Said Jake with a pale expression on his face Okay, something you have to watch out for is your sentence structure, and use of commas and periods. I'm not going to point out every little mistake but just know that you will have to go back and fix those.


Jenny had only just Recently returned to Fair view ,after moving away with her Mother at [s]9[/s] nine to Arendale county, because her parents split up period She then completed her 3 year course in Advertising and Business management And decided it was time to come home! Why the exclamation point?

So she had no idea of whom had been where or done what for that matter .. Needs to be reworded, this sentence.


"Okay I think maybe you need to sit down Jen!" now inside a fire lit and Hot chocolate

served, they sat in a cosy love seat reminiscing about their childhood

and the silly games they used to play on one another

"ooh Gee Remember when I went over to Cindy's house to Play teatime and then you .."And then I snuck around the side and peeked in through

the window" Arnold whose Arnold?? Where did he come in....? interrupted! "yeah and then we caught sight of you and you High-tailed

it outta there as fats as you could " chuckled jenny

"Er Yup I was one hella kid back then huh?" "you sure were" said jenny all the while gazing lovingly into his sparkly blue eyes Eeeeeewwwww! If they are brother and sister, that's nasty that they might have a relationship going on here...


But of course Jake was too busy sipping his warm beverage to Have noticed a thing! " Typical Men" she thought to herself, all the while hoping he would not notice her expression doing so,
But Arnold had noticed and he too was now Gazing lovingly at her soft lips and her delicate hands and her luxuriously Creamy Blond hair , which he longed to touch and smooth through his fingers “ what a fool I am she is my Best friend” he thought to himself , Jake saw such an angelic face then he softly murmured “I wish you knew ..”
“ Um Jen I have something I probably need to tell you. Remember when we were kids we made a Pact T always tell each other Everything!” “yeah course I do Jakey! why what has Happened?” asked a concerned Jenny
“ Well nothing Bad to me if that is what you mean It was years ago now and..”

Suddenly Jenny looked at her watch and said in a Panic " Ooh look at the time I gotta run sorry Jake tell me about later okay sorry" said jenny who rushed off down the passage grabbing her coat off the hook !
"see ya I'll ring later" Where is this all happening at??

" ooh yeah okay bye then Oh wait Jen you forgot oh never mind" Said Arnold Because in a flash she was already out the door and half way driven out the driveway to have heard a thing

She forgot her purse! and Arnold being the inquisitive man that he was was nearly tempted to look inside but thought it best not to since it was already hard to understand woman at this point to even consider daring to break the myth of the "handbag"
Jake said in a mock tone voice "hm that girl is always on the move she really needs to slow down a bit before she has a stroke!"

Jake went into his bedroom and stared at himself in his mirror wondering if Jenny could ever Truly love him.. “ You blew it big time ,You idiot!” he said mockingly to himself ,Staring back at him was a tall dark and very handsome man He had dark thick eye brows and Broad shoulders his Hair was medium length with a soft brown earthy tone and his eyes were light blue, his lips were soft and pale red and at the corner of his left lip was a slight scar he acquired as a kid .. but Jake never thought of himself as Handsome because he was always shut hi,self away from the light..This is good but I would work on your punctuation, ect. Need to really watch that. This paragraph needs all that.


Arriving home she opened her door moved towards the stairs , unbuttoning her top
as she reached each step she Threw her clothes into a hamper by her bedside and jumped into a hot shower
The Water fell upon her in an evanescent way Surrounding her beautiful hour- glass figure , her hair now damp and wavy shimmered in an incandescent ethereal light, she jumped out wrapped a towel around her trim waist and patted dry then combed Her soft insatiably creamy blonde hair for what seemed like an hour


Now laying on her bed toes high in the air and feeling refreshed and energised she picked up the phone and called an old friend

" Hi Cinds what's Up? been awhile Hasn't it! listen Can I come over?"

"sure you can! just be sure to bring the Tequila!" the woman on the other end said

It was a ritual with these two women that each time they visited each other they brought a bottle of spirits.


Jenny calm and peaceful now tossed a few outfits on the bed not making her mind up which suited her best

"oh let me just go with this lovely purple blouse and these Blue Jeans HM what do you think Bella?" she asked her Labrador pup who before been rudely awoken by the sound of her voice was sleeping soundly curled up in her bed.

"of course you do don't you yes you're my little angel aren't You yes you are" she walked over picked her up giving her 'ball of fluff' as she called her a kiss and began playing with her ears "yap yap" cried an excited Bella!

After dressing she Sweetly said “Okay hunny bunny i gotta be going now mummy will be back real soon I promise Whoa, this girl really loves her dog, huh?? I used to have a dog and sometimes I caught myself talking to it like this...but not to this extreme lol
Then we can go for a midnight stroll across the park hows that sound HM?"

Jenny loved Bella like she was her own child , as she felt more close to her than to her own mother!
"Bye My Angel" she bellowed as she walked out the door


At Cindy's house she felt secure knowing her friend would bring Comfort and she could confide with her about Arnold . What??!! I thought she liked Jake??!!

Wow you look fantastic Cinds!" " Huh? oh yeah i just lost a few pounds is all"

"A Few! looks more than just a few Cindy!" Jenny Said excitedly


" Kay You're right! I do look Fabulous don't I?" said Cindy striking a pose "My hubby seems to think so too"

she winked "please sit down" she said hinting to the sofa " ooh you naughty girl you I bet he does!"

"well come on then you've barely been back a week Now spill!" Cindy always knew just what to say to get Jenny to open up"

Okay well you see i Am really happy seriously i have never been so happy in all my life!"

the lie felt bitter as it slithered off her tongue , and Cindy could automatically tell it was

"Come on now You know me better than that I Can always tell when you're lying Jen!"

"what? how? asked jenny curious as to what she was implying

Okay well firstly you begin to sweat profusely" "What?"jenny butted in "yeah ha you do it a lot!"

" oh gee thanks! and I here I thought you were my best bud!"

ha ha ooh jenny you know I am just Kidding don't you?" she smiled wryly

"Yeah 'course i do Cinds" Jenny said self reassuringly


“okay well it's Jake!” “oh what has He done now hm” asked Cindy in a cross voice

“Ha ha he has done Nothing wrong! Actually I think I may have feelings for him!” Jenny could not believe she could be so candid about her feelings like this “Well has he suspected anything? I mean does he know how you feel Jen?” “ NO! I cannot imagine the embarrassing situation that will be Cinds! I just don't know if he may feel the same way” Cindy was about to reply until

at That precise moment She got an incoming call from someone she least expected

and never dreamed of hearing from again

“Hello this is Cindy speaking! Hello? Oh It's you! well what do you want now?" she said sarcastically, there was a pause

“What? Oh my God Well is everything okay then? No I haven't he doesn't know yet

are you sure? Okay yes I understand I'll be right over No I am coming He is My son!"

"what happened Cindy? is everything okay hows Robby? you look terrified?"

But Cindy replied hastily I gotta go I can't talk about it now Please Jen you just gotta leave please!" Cindy had tears in her eyes and Jenny knew her well enough to know when she was dead serious

"okay But the minute you get back You call me okay!"

"deal! i promise I am sorry Jenny I was looking forward to it just A Girls Night in.. We should take a rain check"

" yes of course oh and Cind" jenny gently grabbed her hand "please

look after yourself okay!?" said a Worried Jenny with a caring heart

" You know I do Jen" and with that she was gone


To be continued ?

I'm really sorry I've been busy these last couple of days which I know is a really lame excuse but it's true. Thanks for giving me the link cause I forgot where I was going
Here's the promised review!


You need to work on capitalization. You capitalize a lot of things that don't need to be. Proper nouns are always capitalized as well as the first word in a sentence, pretty much everything else isn't. If you want me to show you some examples of what you capitalized and shouldn't have I'll be happy to show you

Misinterpreted wrote:"Morning Jakey" "oh hey Jenny" Jake and Jenny went way back

Jake And Jenny were the best of friends and have been since birth , for you see their mothers were blood sisters and after a ritual event went wrong which took place at their Boardinghouse, they became even closer ..

Misinterpreted wrote:"Hey Jake! Have you see the new Neighbour ((neighbor))? Mrs((.)) Benson I think her name is"

"what ((What)) new neighbour ((neighbor))?" asked Jake looking a bit perplexed

"Um((,)) the lady up on Old Hampton Street!" exclaimed Jenny, [s]But[/s] Jake just stared at her in bewilderment

Then suddenly a thought crossed Jakes' ((Jake's)) mind and he gave a shudder for he had seen no one up there ever since that fateful and tragic night..
The night He had Found Mrs Benton Dead in her Study! He was only a boy at the time[s].[/s]((, but he))
But He chose to block out those bad memories from his mind
"um ((Um,)) no I haven't yet! What does she((,)) um((,)) look like?”

Misinterpreted wrote:"Nah it's Nothing Jen((,)) just getting a bit chilly is all come ((all. Come))on then lets go inside! ((inside.")) Said Jake with a pale expression on his face

Misinterpreted wrote:Jenny had only just Recently returned to Fair view ,after moving away with her Mother at 9 to Arendale county, because her parents split up She then completed her 3 year course in Advertising and Business management And decided it was time to come home!

Misinterpreted wrote:So she had no idea of whom had been where or done what for that matter ..

Misinterpreted wrote:"Okay I think maybe you need to sit down Jen! ((Jen.))" now ((Now)) inside ((with)) a fire lit and Hot chocolate served, they sat in a cosy ((cozy)) love seat reminiscing about their childhood and the silly games they used to play on one another((.))

"ooh Gee Remember when I went over to Cindy's house to Play teatime and then you .."And then I snuck around the side and peeked in through the window" Arnold interrupted! "yeah and then we caught sight of you and you High-tailed it outta there as fats as you could " chuckled jenny

"Er Yup I was one hella kid back then huh?" "you sure were" said jenny all the while gazing lovingly into his sparkly blue eyes

Misinterpreted wrote:But of course Jake was too busy sipping his warm beverage to Have noticed a thing! " Typical Men" ((italicize thoughts)) she thought to herself, all the while hoping he would not notice her expression doing so,
But Arnold had noticed and he too was now Gazing lovingly at her soft lips and her delicate hands and her luxuriously Creamy Blond hair , which he longed to touch and smooth through his fingers “ what a fool I am she is my Best friend” he thought to himself , Jake saw such an angelic face then he softly murmured “I wish you knew ..”
“ Um Jen I have something I probably need to tell you. Remember when we were kids we made a Pact T always tell each other Everything!” “yeah course I do Jakey! why what has Happened?” asked a concerned Jenny
“ Well nothing Bad to me if that is what you mean It was years ago now and..”

Misinterpreted wrote:Suddenly Jenny looked at her watch and said in a Panic " Ooh look at the time I gotta run sorry ((run. Sorry)) Jake tell me about later okay sorry ((okay? Sorry!))" said jenny ((you don't need to say Jenny here because you already established Jenny is talking with the first line of the paragraph. You can just say "she rushed off".)) who rushed off down the passage grabbing her coat off the hook !
"see ya I'll ring later"

Misinterpreted wrote:" ooh yeah okay bye then Oh wait Jen you forgot oh never mind" Said Arnold Because in a flash she was already out the door and half way driven out the driveway to have heard a thing She forgot her purse! and Arnold being the inquisitive man that he was was nearly tempted to look inside but thought it best not to since it was already hard to understand woman at this point to even consider daring to break the myth of the "handbag"
Jake said in a mock tone voice "hm that girl is always on the move she really needs to slow down a bit before she has a stroke!"

Jake went into his bedroom and stared at himself in his mirror wondering if Jenny could ever Truly love him.. “ You blew it big time ,You idiot!” he said mockingly to himself ,Staring back at him was a tall dark and very handsome man He had dark thick eye brows and Broad shoulders his Hair was medium length with a soft brown earthy tone and his eyes were light blue, his lips were soft and pale red and at the corner of his left lip was a slight scar he acquired as a kid .. but Jake never thought of himself as Handsome because he was always shut hi,self away from the light..

Arriving home she opened her door moved towards the stairs , unbuttoning her top
as she reached each step she Threw her clothes into a hamper by her bedside and jumped into a hot shower
The Water fell upon her in an evanescent way Surrounding her beautiful hour- glass figure , her hair now damp and wavy shimmered in an incandescent ethereal light, she jumped out wrapped a towel around her trim waist and patted dry then combed Her soft insatiably creamy blonde hair for what seemed like an hour

Misinterpreted wrote:Now laying on her bed toes high in the air and feeling refreshed and energised ((energized))she picked up the phone and called an old friend

Right A Complete Revamp of my Book
so to speak lol
It now has Plot Twist and Method and Motive the Main Characters are Now fully described

Okay so |let me know If you like it or Have any suggestions for improvement or any other opinions welcomed!
also i do not mind if you think of a better plot either I take into account everything!


Thanks guys

"It pretty good for a rough start. What you might want to do is have a little more character development. I didn't really know the characters. But don't give up, you should keep writing. You ;eft me wondering what happened. Word of advice though, know where your plot is going because you don't want to end up having a lot of words and no real story. Defenitely keep up the good work."

Okay well Thanks JJ i see your point there

but as I Clearly stated at the very Beginning of the Story this is only Snippets
or short Paragraphs of the actual Full story
I broke it up into pieces which I felt were relevant to portray the story the way I see it without giving to much away .. yet!

but We shall See my next book is a Horror so this one may be put on hold for awhile yet ..
If i get more reviews and they THINK it's worth it that I should Continue this Particular story
then Okay i Will ...

Thanks again for the honest review

chow

It pretty good for a rough start. What you might want to do is have a little more character development. I didn't really know the characters. But don't give up, you should keep writing. You ;eft me wondering what happened. Word of advice though, know where your plot is going because you don't want to end up having a lot of words and no real story. Defenitely keep up the good work.

I'll review this!
But not now
It's late and I'm tired and I just got back from a football game where I marched so I'm gonna review this tomorrow cause I actually get to sleep in tomorrow! Yey!
Seriously though, I promise I'll review this tomorrow!

Okay So I take It that No one likes this? Fine i will scrap it along with other
pieces of mine
Well i came On here to get honest advice But so far All i have gotten is nothing NOT saying that I am begging for a reply but at least ONE would be great to tell me that it's okay at least and i should continue with it?!

I feel like maybe I am not meant to be a writer after all
aah well at least I am good at Cooking ... OH and Designing too!
i have that i guess