Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
I sit at the bottom of my bottle
Trying to forget who i am
Where I've been
And what I've seen
Because i am no one
I have been no where
And i have seen nothing of relative importance
The walls of my bottle blur my view
And obscure my vision of the world
My friends become blobs of redundant advice
That never make any sense
There's not much here at the bottom of my bottle
Just a few pipe dreams, broken hearts,
And a gun that mocks me
Because i can never bring myself to use it
But,
As i put the cold steel between my teeth
For one more try
A ladder descends from the neck of my bottle
When i climb out i find you waiting for me
With open arms and a patient heart
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hai there! AlexSushiDog here to review this poem!
it was very powerful and effective. For one of your first works here this is very good! However there are some big problems.First of all, I like the concept of this poem but it could do with some work to make it better and the best.
I especially liked as @Mindfang said the line
One, for example, is the lack of no verses anywhere, you need to break up the poem otherwise it all blurs together and people will miss stuff; it also makes it look a tiny bit sloppy.
Next your punctuation use is a bit varied, on a few bits it is ok but on most you have none. To start with in poetry you must always have either a comma or a period at the end of each line! Some sort of crazy rule in the world of poetry
Finally 'i' needs to be 'I'. Period.
Besides those problems, this poem is very good and you have created some very interesting metaphors, similes and a amazing choice of vocabulary.
Good luck!
Thank you
and when i typed it i got confused with the spacing lol
Right, let's go down to business!.
I can spot a few grammar errors but that can easily be fixed easily. I liked the way it flowed but it never said how they got their but I guess that's my views. Oh the other hand I loved 'and the gun that mocks me', oh it just gave me chills! Anyways, great poem! I totally loved it.
Thank you
, and sorry about the grammar lol