Young Writers Society



A poem that I wrote

by MirrorOfTheSun


I wrote a poem

It touched my heart.

Heart– do you understand what I mean by heart? 

It passed through the walls of my pericardium

It didn't stay long

As the pericardial fluid do.

It flew away

After a few days,

I was exhausted, frightened

Trying to remember it

But...

It was no more in my heart

Cuz it didn't enter the inner heart

It only passed through the walls.

It had no place within me. 


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Sun Mar 07, 2021 4:46 am
MirrorOfTheSun says...






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Sun Mar 07, 2021 4:43 am
MirrorOfTheSun says...






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Sat Mar 06, 2021 5:45 pm
legendarycomputerpoetry wrote a review...



MirrorOfTheSun,

I like this poem! Though simple, I can understand your feelings in all their complexities. My only note is that repetition in poems is fine, but sometimes too much can confuse the reader. The formatting is a stylistic choice that isn't my cup of tea but that kind of thing is completely up to the writer.

I'd also advise that some readers aren't as well-versed in biology. For example, I had no idea what a "pericardium" is (which is technically on me), but there was an opportunity for more prose explaining what the pericardium is.

Overall, a good poem!

LCP




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Fri Mar 05, 2021 5:35 pm
spatula wrote a review...



'Ello there!

Heart– do you understand what I mean by heart?


There are three usages of the word "heart" very close to each other, so maybe try to find a synonym that means the same thing? You could go for some poetic sounding words like 'center" or "core," but if those aren't your thing, "vascular organ" has quite the charm. Of course, don't use that, but this site could help you out if you're stuck on another word.

And this could be considered me being stylistically picky, but I don't like the usage of the dash. It just kind of doesn't look appetizing. If you want to connect those, you can always try out a semicolon, or even just a colon.

I also don't understand what you mean there.

As the pericardial fluid do.


Not sure what this is supposed to mean. And again, similar words near each other, but this time I get why they're close.

Cuz it didn't enter the inner heart


I advise people to stay away from internet language or slang when writing poetry because, to me, it removes all of the seriousness from a poem. This doesn't seem like it's trying to be a funny poem, so give that a change.

There's also no inner heart? You've been using biology throughout this whole poem, so I'm a little confused. The inner-heart is "the doorway into our true nature," but that doesn't fit in with the rest of the ideas flying around.

I didn't have much to say here, but this is pretty solid. It has some room to improve, but everything does, even if it's written by a famous poet.

Good job!

lum




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Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:54 pm
Ryu says...



Wow.

I’m really impressed with your word choice, that is super intriguing and intricate to read! “By heart...do you know what I mean?” That was a very beautiful line that isn’t often seen in poetry which is really what sets this poem apart! Keep up the stupendous work <3






Thank you so much. You are the first one who told my word choice is good.



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:37 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello. Welcome to YWS. Hope you have a greqt time here. It's actually a vwry good site.

Now, review.
It was awesomw, especially for the first time. It was falwless and heart-touching. I liked it. It is really relatable. It happens many a times. I don't know why.

Whatever, keep writing. Bye for now.






Thank you so much for the review.



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:31 pm
Ryu says...



Great job, especially for a first time! <3






Thank you so much. Can you pls review it only if u don't mind





Hey, you too are a new user. Welcome to YWS



Ryu says...


Thank you! And of course <3



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:16 pm
MapleWay wrote a review...



Hey there! Maple Way here with a short review!!

This was a cool concept! It was very relatable too! I have many times had a great idea for a poem but refuse to write it down and later forget it. I liked how you give the poem magical attributes. It was as if it was really alive and all you need to do is catch it in your trusty poem net! Anyways great poem! Welcome to YWS! And congrats on making the literary spotlight!






Hey, thank you so much for it.





Sorry sorry it was a mistake. I meant to open my work but opened this one instead





Thank you so much. Actually not only for poems, it happens with other things also. Then, the idea is lost. I don't know why it happens. I hate that phenomena.





@ForeverYoung299 you did a great blunder! Was just joking lol! It can happen. No problem




The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451