The black Scorpian

Nice Writing. You described very well. The only problems I saw was that you wrote "Thank god the scorpion picked on me and spared my children." and you need to capitalized the G in God, and when you wrote "Darkness is a weird thing." instead of weird you should should write something like strange. You should keep writing.

All of the basic criticisms I was going to make were handled by Sunny. I loved your way with descriptions, and especially describing the main characters thoughts, her sacrifice. I do think the situation is a bit unclear at the beginning of the piece, but as you read on it is very clear what is going on.

Very well done
-alec

I don't get what's happening. I mean, I did, towards the end, but the beginning should tell me something that has happened. I like your descriptions, though. You can defiantly go far with your description.
First of all; what's with the child holding her breath? I don't get it Does she want to suffocate herself so she doesn't have to face whatever she is afraid of? What would the passers-by think when she just drops down seemingly-dead in the middle of the street? You may need to expand on this more.
Also,you have no description of your surrounding. I would like to know where she was; beach? house? Beach house? What were the neighbors doing there? Maybe you should expand this a little more, put more explanation into the story.

However, don't let my review get you down, as I said before, it's good. I liked it! it was just confusing for me, that's all. Maybe I should have read the poem you mentioned...

You are gonna get some high marks for this mads, A* all the way. I loved it, great take.

I totally went of topic with mine, gone on a woffle about an abuse victim seeking revenge on his father *gulp*


see ya at school tomorrow,


zaddie (izzy)

the person above pretty much pointed everything out. I have to say I think you're very talented. You describe the dark very well. I like how this piece flows together, too. All I have to say is that I loved this! keep writing and rock \m/(>.<)\m/ on. bElL3

Hi, MiriamHannah! I'm Sunny, and I shall review this for you today.

MiriamHannah wrote:The black Scorpion


Darkness is a [s]weird[/s] strange thing. ("Weird" doesn't fit in with the rest of your speech; it's a different kind of voice, and I think "strange" sounds much better, but you decide.) You feel so detached from the world. Your last thought, last feeling, is still menacing (Are you sure you want this word? Because it's doesn't make sense. Try "ringing" or "resonating", because I think that's what you mean.) in your mind. I felt so muted. Like I had been trapped inside myself, lurking just under the surface. All I needed was to break out. So much of me was put out of action; I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't see. All I had left was touch;the mud floor; taste, blood on my lips; and smell. They say you can smell fear. Well, I agree with that. I could almost smell the panic in the air, just as well as I could hear it.
I calmed myself. What had happened? Why was I in this state? An obsidian shell - that was the last thing I could remember. A speeding shape, scuttling towards my feet. It had uncurled its mirrored tail, striking my unexpecting leg. (I like this part a lot, very descriptive. )
It had burnt so badly, like the creature had been on fire, one moment of impact causing me to writhe, dizziness and pain taking control of my entire body. All I could do from then on was grip on to the cold floor, digging my fingernails into the mud, clawing the ground like a rabid animal.

Ever since I was a child, poor and lonely, I had [s]wandering[/s] wandered the mean, grey streets (of what? A city? What city?); every time I was afraid I would hold my breath. I would count slowly to ten, each of my seconds counting as a regular minute. One, two, three, four - my face would turn to a deep blue - five, six, seven - my throat would struggle painfully[s]...[/s] - eight, my hands would go limp[s]...[/s] - nine, my eyes would close... ten; my body would fall to the ground...

I was terrified; the poison was terrifying, the thought of leaving my family was terrifying, and the thought of endless blackness was terrifying. With that my lungs closed. I refused to breathe until my brain had firmly shut off.
I heard my husband above me, my [s]sceptic[/s] skeptical, rationalist husband. "Anything," he said. "Herbal remedies," he said. His usually soothing voice was so frantic, his low pitch wavering with worry. I heard him bless every potion, every powder that could be stuffed into my mouth or rubbed on my skin.
I attempted to move, give reason to my panicking husband, calm my whimpering child; whose voice was so clear through the buzz of neighbours. I heard, out of everyone, the cry of my child. I needed to hug him. To break through and calm the poisonous atmosphere.
So many people were speaking, gawking and gossiping at my expense. I felt so much shame through their vicious words, so tinted by fake religion and misused facts. They told my children that my pain was justice; they told my husband that my death was good.
If it were not for my numb, lifeless body, so broken by the searing poison, I would have returned their unjustifiable insults.
I gasped. Crashing through the crust that had separated me from the world. I could breathe again. I felt the air fill my swollen lungs as reality flooded into me. All I could say, through each excruciating breath was...

"Thank God the scorpion picked on me and spared my children."

You are talented. Honestly.
You described it all perfectly, and I have to say, knowing my mom, she would have said the same thing. You thought like a mother, you thought as a human being with a rough past, you described the darkness so precisely.I really don't know what to say. Words fail me. Writing is about making your reader get pushed into a different world. Well, Maddy, job well done. I hope you continue writing more and more and more! Seriously *shakes head in awe* this is wonderful. It has you written all over it with your own writing style, and it's glorious. It beats some of the books I read, and I'm not just saying that. Well done indeed.
PM me if you need anything,
ofir