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Numb

by Miraculor77


I stare at the gray around me

A flat expanse of nothingness

Empty

I'm so tired

Life comes and goes

I don't care

I want to

But I don't

I know what I need to do

I know what I want to do

But I'm trapped

Inside my head

Trapped

trapped

I try to smile

Try to cry

Laugh

Sob

I scream into my fist

Try to feel something

Nothing

I can't

There is no meaning

Not anymore

I want to feel

but

i'm

numb


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Points: 40
Reviews: 3

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Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:58 am
erennaci wrote a review...



Hello there, my fellow writer.

First of all, I want to say that I really relate to what you have written.

As a person who has gone through depression, every word affected me as I read it.

Especially the "but I'm trapped, inside my head" hit me in the feels; to me, it's the worst situation a person can be in. Being able to understand everything around you but not doing anything about them is a feeling, that not everyone can get quite right but you nailed it in your poem with your choice of words almost perfectly.

The last 13 words...what can I say...you executed the end flawlessly.

I hope you keep on writing because I am really curious about your next work.

Have a nice day!


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Sat Sep 14, 2019 11:15 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Miraculor,

this poem actually sounds like the speaker is going through a particularly rough time. I generally find these sorts of poems cliche because even though the poems often express very real emotions, the author doesn't always communicate them in a way that the reader can empathize and understand, so the reader reacts by feeling a disconnect that the words/meaning/interpretation aren't meeting up. I didn't really find your poem to be that cliche though and I think it's mostly because you went for minimalist language and didn't try to heighten or hyperbolize the emotions, you just stated what was going on very matter of factly.

I think the poem does have some potential for improvement though.

First "i'm" at the end I believe would better capitalized since you capitalize it elsewhere in your poem, so it'd look more consistent and polished.

Next, I think the poem could use a bit more imagery and metaphor --
I enjoy this line, "a flat expanse of nothingness" but there's not a ton of interesting/unique imagery elsewhere in your piece. I think expanding on that image or bringing in some new ones would make your poem more unique and also help it resonate with readers.

I actually like how your broke up the lines at the very end, because it gave a dramatic finish without drawing out the poem forever and ever and ever.

The poem sort of covers a lot of different secondary feelings/thoughts someone might experience when going through depression / feeling numb to the world - and I think one of the interesting ones your hit on is the guilt of not doing anything or feeling anything. I think it'd be interesting to explore some of those feelings in a bit more detail.

Overall, there were parts of this poem that I certainly found relateable and I hope if this is autobiographical that you're in a better spot now.

Peace,

alliyah

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Wed Sep 11, 2019 4:12 pm
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LadyAstella wrote a review...



I want you to know that THIS. IS. RELATABLE. The mind is a scary thing and when you get trapped inside it is the most horrific thing you can ever endure, I recommend that you put just a tad more detail into it like....What is it that you want to do? What is it that you need to do? How does it affect your average day? How does it make you stuck? Maybe when you say "trapped" you could include it like this...."Trapped....Like a lion behind unbreakable steel bars, itching to escape." But then again I love what you did with your feelings and how you can take your emotions and realize what they are and put them on paper (Or in this case online >.<) I'm loving your work so keep up the great pieces.

“We May Encounter Many Defeats But We Must Not Be Defeated.” – Maya Angelou




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Mon Sep 09, 2019 1:40 pm
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26Gemini says...



We all feel numb at certain points in life, it doesn't mean you are heartless, but you do need someone to lean on. You can feel free to pm me, I will listen.




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Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:52 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello my dear writing friend! FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's begin shall we.

So may I start off by saying this was a really good poem and I think it it off to a really great start, your emotions were deep and they struck my heart allowing me to fall all that you did when you wrote this work, writing poems with emotions hanging onto them and making it feel like a real problem is a very hard task to do and I think you have done that very well over here. Oh and great choice of name by the way, it is the very thing that made me come and read your work, it alone is holding so much emotion and well let's say I was very interested to see what it meant.
But I have a few things to day that will help you polish it up a bit. So let's start.

What I noticed the most is that you have no punctuation in this work. Although most poems done use it, to me it will help if you add some commas here and there were it fits, why you may ask, well by adding some punctuation you will be putting more feeling in for the reader. Like when you say Trapped for the second time in a row that would be a good place to but a exclamation mark, it would show the reader that they are yelling and are feeling very frustrated.
Another thing you will add by putting punctuation in is the flow, it really helps your reader no when to stop and start again, giving your work a good flow. And it doesn't give it a rushed feeling.

Another thing I saw that is up to you to change is that you should try and make all your sentences the same length. That to also helps with the flow, like your first two sentences they aren't to long but when you suddenly go to short sentences after that it can knock your reader of palace.

Anyway that's all from me for now I hope this review helped, if I said anything rude just let me no, because I did not mean to be rude. Well It was a great joy reading and reviewing your poem, I hope you will write more soon because I look forward to seeing more from you. Have a great day or night, and post again soon.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

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Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:42 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @Miraculor77 I am here to do a review on your poem here. So lets get right into the review shell we.
So the first thing that I really wanted to say when I started this review is,
Wow this poem is great, you shed so much emotion into it, and I don't read much poems any more, but wow this one was great. you just filled me up with want to keep reading the review. I loved reading it. I hope that there is nothing going on in you life that's really that bad. I hope your okay, if you want to talk about things then my PM box is always open. I really felt this it seamed so true and just real. The first bit of this poem was just a great start, I loved how it started and ended, its great. I can say that there is nothing that needs to be added or taken away from it.
it was just wonderful to read this poem of yours.

So that is all that i can say. So keep up the great poem writing. I look forward to reading more by you in the future your poems are great. This was a great read. I'm sure you will make a great poet one day.

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews





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