Published September 6, 2011
"All we need is your story." The CNN lady said to me, passing out a peice of notebook paper to the thirty others next to me.
I looked down at the paper with my pencil trembling in my hands.
"Sandreth Cuine- 9.11 Survivor.
I was there- in the second tower- the South one. I was working up on the 88th floor; only one or two floor below where the plane crashed. When we got word- when I saw- the north tower fall, we all rushed out. I got pushed, pulled, battered and bruised, feeling the utmost pity for the few who had fallen and had gotten trampled.
As soon as we got out, were faced with the black, ash-heavy and smoke twisted air, we were told immediately to go back up to the tower- it was safe, and free from toxins.
I never even saw the plane crash into the building. But the noise it created! It caused most of my hearing problems, if not all of it.
I paused, hand shaking and tears freely falling. One fell onto the paper. Without thinking I traced it's perfect pattern, making a tear in the middle of a sentence.
"The plane came only a few floors above me, making most of the roof cave in and crash over my head. I didn't think twice about my bleeding head- I only could think about escaping. I felt nothing at that moment; only the ash, the pressure from the crowd, the clogging of the stairs. Around the 50th floor, most of us knew that, between the air that lie ahead and the toppling of the towers, we weren't going to make it. I looked at that very moment at the person next to me. I can still remember her chilly, ice blue eyes. I felt her hand grabbing mine and she whispered in my ear : 'Tell them I love them'. By that time, my tears knew no bounds. I nodded to her; I've never been sure if she saw me nod. She grabbed the hand of the person on her other side, and I did the same. Not long after, we had and at least fifty person long chain.
We were somewhere around the 20th floor- I had stopped counting long ago- when the lady to my left, the one who gave me the message, tripped. I screamed, but it got lost in the twirling chaos that was this building. I couldn't keep her hand secured, and with one last, unheard scream, I completely let go of her. I grabbed the hand of the other person who was next to her, and muttered a prayer.
The light itself nearly blinded me- we had lost power in the building almost immediately after the impact. I remember, right then, I tripped. As I got outside. I remember the cruel twisting of my ankle when it got caught in a hole- and I remember the arms that grabbed me. 'It'll be alright, I've got you,' the voice had said. Someone cradled me like a baby- a man in a tucked in white shirt, black suit pants, and a red plaid tie. The man put me on my feet with a nod and ran backwards. I could almost imagine him being one of the many heroes memorial pictures lined up on a wall of many. I remember not much else but the harsh cry of a million sirens and the inferno of pain spiraling trough my leg with every fidget. I somehow made it about a mile from the place, where there was a police car busting it's way through the masses. It pulled up next to me and a harsh police officer's voice cried, 'We're going to the hospital.' I got it the crowded car, along with two smaller girls with severe burns who sat on my lap. But the only thing I remember was my 20th floor Unheard Scream in the building- for my life, for everyone else's life, and the death of the savages who had caused this. My Unheard Scream- and the Unheard Screams of many others. But together we made a wail- a powerful, ear-splitting wail that could never die."
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138,357 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Hi Milkandcookies!
You need to research the chain of events, because some things are not factually correct, and for those of us who remember this time quite vividly, the lack of research is a bit annoying.
I don't quite think you understand. You said before that there was ash, and this is true. But, I don't think you understand the impact of the ash. The ash blocked the sunlight. It looked like evening.
The word "piece" is misspelled.
It's a decent piece, not a great one, and its subject helped the feature. You get many facts wring about the towers, the attack, you give us no real description of character or the chaos, it's all just detail anyone can imagine, nothing stands out. You don't get into a cop car on route to hospital and if these two kids had severe burns they'd be cared for by paramedics not sitting on the lap of a stranger. The CNN lady line threw me as well, why not say reporter? The narrator isn't a child. Please don't use exclamation points in decryption. It's sloppy.
You forgot a " at the end of first text block.
I'll admit for your age this is solid, and the final line was excellent, though I hated the added "and for the deaths of the savages" no one knew it was a terrorist attack until the second plane. Not those inside the building, and not those who missed the crash entirely. Your safety and life would be above all concern.
You need to lengthen this, give us more standout description, tell us what she was doing before the crash, the trip to the hospital, the flights down the stairs.
The plane in the South Tower actually crashed below the 88th floor
The South Tower fell first. Also, this part of your story happens a little fast. It would take a very long time to reach the bottom, not to mention that they would have to find a way out first. Most of the stairways were blocked and the elevators weren't working. There was no way that the person could have simply seen another tower fall and just rush down the stairs. I think this is where your story lacks most. Why not add parts of the person making their journey down the stairs?
I won't nitpick everything because for the most part, everyone covered it. You really should fix the details in this story. Make the person in the north tower on the 88th floor. The plane crashed about 5 floors above, and make it the south tower that fell first, because that really is what happened. This is touching, but the details are wrong, and it takes away emotion from your story.
Very poignant, but how on earth did the protagonist survive if most of the roof caved in above her head?
But I like the way you brought out your story- somewhat creative, instead of the cliched, conventional style whereby the main character narrates or reminisce about something he/she experienced.
wow.....just wow. I absolutely love how you wrote this. I can literally see everything athat's happening in my mind. And it's such a powerful message. Great job and keep up the amazing work!
Wow that was very touching! Loved it!
This is amazing! I noticed only two major problems with the plot. First of all, the South Tower was the first one hit, not the second; secondly, the North Tower had already been hit by the time the South Tower collapsed.
But it is truly an amazing story. Thank you so much for remembering all those innocents who were, in a way, massacred that fateful day ten years ago. It's inspiring.
Good job with this, hon.
Other than the stuff in the purple I didn't see anything wrong with it. It just seemed too fast for me, that's all.
But, great job!
Keep writing,
Just
Hi! This is an awesome story! Very emotional and I guess that's just one of the many things I loved about it. Overall, I'd like to say great effort! A few grammatical errors here and there but nothing too major. I suggest proof-reading it but besides that, I loved it! I particularly thought that your use of description was probably what helped you create such an amazing piece of literature.
So thanks for reading this comment and I'm really looking forward to checking out your other texts.
Amna
Hi
I thought that this was a really amazing piece. It conveyed a lot of emotion. There isn't really much I can say that hasn't already been said except this:
There isn't any need for the repitition of the word many at the end because you have already stated that there are many heroes.
- apple96
I'd have to say, with such a touchy subject and with the memorial coming up for 9/11, I'd have to say this was a beautiful story that captured what happened on that historical day. There are a few mistakes that were made:
I'm confused with this sentence. Could you please try and reword this sentence that way readers have a better understanding of what you're saying? I like the details you created to describe the ash and the smell of the air, but the beginning had me quite confused.
It should be "floors" and not "floor". I think to help keep the the tense correct in this story, you should change "the plan crashed" to "the plane had crashed", but that's just me.
I may be wrong, but shouldn't it be "hands" shaking instead of "hand shaking"? I'm not sure if "hand shaking" is the kind of phrase that can be left singular and still fit within a sentence correctly.
The word "it's" should be "its" for there is nothing that is claiming possession of something. (If that made sense O.o)
Again, with the tenses. It should be "laid", not "lie".
The ending made no sense to me and I was confused. Could you please reword it differently?
Other than that, I think this was a great story.
Hi there!
This is a very powerful piece. I'm glad you decided to write a story about this. It's a very tragic event that I still cannot seem to wrap my head around. It seems unreal that anyone would attack the US like that.
Anyway, this is a great story. Your character is real and the situation is beyond real. You did a great job describing the day and the chaos that could've possibly gone on inside the buildings as they collapsed. Throughout this piece I found myself almost getting lost within it, but that's one of the best parts. That way I felt like you brought the chaos out into the real world rather than keeping it locked in the story.
On little nitpick:
You don't really need to say the 'facing backwards' part. It would be good enough just to say that Sandreth never saw the plane, only heard the noise.
Overall I really enjoyed this. Good job! Keep writing!