Published June 3, 2014
(I haven't posted anything in forever. I felt I needed to get over the barrier that made me so afraid of writing/posting anything)
goodness!
how i marvel at my mediocre married life
in our abandoned midlands cottage,
no cars, just broken computer games -
stacked.
newly painted white, white walls
and freshly mowed greenery -
the odours, entwined, surround us
like the clean sheets and windows,
cracked.
the evening breeze dries the bleach
and sweat from our late-august spring cleaning.
we sit with stitched sunny smiles and sweaters
under the orangeing skies; divinely
jacked.
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
Hello.
)
Okay, first of all, I really like the poem and choice of words, but it feels like it needs more, and it also needs to be edited (at least I think it does, you don't have to listen to my words, I am just suggesting).
"how i marvel at my mediocre married life"
"no cars, just broken computer games - "
"newly painted white, white walls"
"the odours, entwined, surround us"
"the evening breeze dries the bleach"
"we sit with stitched sunny smiles and sweaters" - At these lines, the first word of each line should be capitalized, including your first word 'goodness' ..
Also, the word "odour" is spelled incorrectly, unless this is a weird universe way to spell it.
I also liked the rhyming of the last word of each stanza ( I think .. yeah!
Other than that, I don't see any major errors that would change the poem completely .. so keep up the good work!
I enjoyed this, thanks for posting. I liked the subtle storytelling and the homely atmosphere. The last stanza was fantastic.
In stanza one I didn't like the contrast between "goodness, how I marvel" and the subsequent imagery of monotony. It felt disingenuous as an opener and unengaging. Stanza two was better in that sense but the transition between the first two lines and the third was very, very awkward; you illustrate the two objects purely in terms of color, and the sensory shift makes it disconcerting to read through smoothly. "Cracked" also feels out of place alongside a stanza of words denoting cleanliness; if it was there to lend some sense of allegorical depth, it really just comes through as imagery due to its context.
As a whole though this was pleasant to read, as I've said.
Hey Mikko, Messenger here to just tell you some things real fast and then whiz away!
This en-captures so many cool things at once. It reminds me of just sitting on a porch, looking out at your neighborhood. I really like the lines with the mowing. I just like all of it a lot!! Good job, and you deserve to get featured!
*Whiz's away*
~Messenger
This is alright. The only thing that's bothering me is that you said "late-august spring cleaning." The month of August is in the fall, not the spring.
Exactly!
Feels like there should be more.
I thought so too but then I decided that adding to a piece that talks about how much of a drag reality is would make it boring.
This is really good - wonderful word choices! I also like the rhyme scheme. It had a great flow, juxtaposing lively descriptions with their mundane meanings.
I also like the message of the piece, how the character lives what might be considered a privileged life, with a clean house, fresh lawn, etc ... but feels something lacking. I can absolutely relate; I live in a suburban All-American community rife with narrow-minded, high-achieving but low perceiving families living out the "American Dream" ... one which discludes anything seen as weird or different.
I should print this and put it on my fridge to help keep me sane, LOL.
Keep up the awesome writing!
Hey Mikko! Strange here and I have a review for you!
It's obvious that you're not rusty from the absence. This was a good poem. I liked how you managed to create a story. This poem says the whole story. The imagery used to describe his sub-par life is well executed. His somewhat self loathing. He wants a better life, as it is currently mediocre.
For some reason this reminds me of A Midsummer's Night Dream. Don't know why, but it does.
I honestly don't know what to say about this. Usually when a poem is good it just leaves you there. All this really is is a good poem. The storytelling is spot on, the emotion and theme about loathing your life is good. I don't have much more to say. I give you props for making me near speechless.
Overall, great job
Strange gives you..
9.4/10
Great job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
I really like this poem. I really enjoy the symbolism and descriptions are great. The imagery is fantastic. You do a great job at telling a story. The way you describe life in the boring redundant way is brilliant. You are an amazing writer! Keep it up! I LOVE YOUR WORK!