A howler from Mars

‘The Red Planet’ they call it, no wonder! This place is covered by that dreadful Gryffindor colour! Argh! But at least I’m away from that school now and going to the best magic institution in the galaxy; they’ll see- I’ll be the greatest wizard on Earth! I’ll be the one who is totally awesome!

Pigfarts is- not a castle like Hogwarts- but a gigantic hovering space ship that looks as huge as Ireland! It’s fitted with an oxygen-producing air conditioning system that works all day, everyday and protects us from the external atmosphere and cold temperatures.

Well apart from the atmosphere and the wretched red rocks all over the place, this place is fit for a human. Strangely, yet pleasingly, they all speak English at school, and when I asked around how this could be I was told that Mars was the new destination for Earth wizards who wanted to migrate before magic was accidentally revealed to muggles. I just hope stupid Potter will not end up here. I won’t stand that!

They also have four houses here: Unihorn, Grizzlegrunt, Centaursabot and Slinkingsphinx. To know which house you belong to, you have to look into the headmaster’s Sink of Selection and it squirts out the name of the house in your face. When it was almost my turn I nudged the guy sitting next to me.

“As long as I’m not in Hufflepuff, I’m alright, eh?”

He looked puzzled.

“What on Mars is ‘Hufflepuff’?”

“Exactly!” And I exploded of laughter, but then noticed that he was serious. “Really?”

“Yeah, what’s Hufflepuff?”

“But I thought you went to Hogwarts?”

“What the- No, I’m a Martian.” I have to tell you that that was one heck of a shock! This dude looked more like a human than any of the Weasleys did!

“Oh, well it’s-”

“Malfoy, Draco.” Rumbleroar... well roared through the Immense Lobby. It was my turn to be placed into one of the houses. I quite liked the sound of ‘Slinkingsphinx’ so I hoped it would be like Slitherin; by the looks on the Slinkingsphinxes faces, I was pretty sure we would get along.

I walked proudly and smugly across the Lobby and walked up the steps to the Sink of Selection. The Sink didn’t have a long speech for me and just spurted what I had been anticipating: Slinkingsphinx. I was actually disgusted by the water on my face because it had reached my beautifully combed blond hair and destroyed a good fifteen minutes’ work. However, I am now an official Slinkingsphinx and a Pigfarts student and the best bit is that Potter is not.

Will I miss Hogwarts? Pff, of course not! That place was such a dump and a waste of time. It doesn’t even deserve to be called a school! I mean, what do they actually teach, if not DAtDA? That’s the only subject they spend so much time and attention on. Really, who cares if dementors attack you? All they’ll do is suck up your spirit- it’s not like you die or anything, you just end up looking… dull and stupid like Longbottom.

Instead they should concentrate on Potions because I know a lot of girls who are making potions to fix themselves up but have failed disastrously. Like Granger. I’m sure she’s tried it, at least once.

If she has tried it, I think she also failed because you can’t get any more beautiful and perfect than her.

Draco wake up! Get her out of your head. And anyway, I'm the only beautiful and perfect one.

Ugh, when I think that that Weasley has his hands all ove-

Ahem.

So, yeah. My intergalactic school. Things are going swimmingly though there is a very awkwardly happy and cheerful teacher here. He creeps me out. I am definitely going to dig deeper into what he’s hiding.

I love you two very much and please tell Goyle’s parents to tell Goyle that I miss him and that he should sooo come to Pigfarts too! Don’t tell Crabbe’s parents to tell Crabbe though, I can live without him.

Lots of love,

Draco.

P.S: Tell the Dark Lord I said thanks for the rocket-ship.

P.P.S: Pass this message to Potter: “In your lightning-scarred face!”

P.P.P.S: Sorry about the howler. Here on Mars they do things differently, just imagine I was speaking in a normal tone. I love you lots.