Scammed
*Aaron is walking down fifty-third street where he saw someone having a garage sale at his house giving away small objects. He saw one thing that he liked; a purple light bulb. He slowly walked towards the garage sale and the owner looked at him. * (Aaron) How bright is this light bulb? (Owner) One hundred-twenty watts. (Aaron) How much? (Owner) One hundred-twenty dollars. *Aaron reached in his pockets to see if he had enough money, but all he found was $2.75. * (Aaron) All I have is 2 dollars and seventy-five cents. (Owner) If you find a quarter, I can give this to you for three dollars..
*Aaron walked through the front door to enter his living room. He looked to the left and saw a 3x3 ft door to the basement. He crawled in it and immediately fell. He was falling for seven seconds until he finally hit the ground. He didn't know if there was an earthquake or something was holding him up, but he did know that the basement ceiling is only eight feet away from the basement floor. He fell to his hands, but quickly stood back up. He looked at an area covered in trash, but all he saw was the quarter behind it, reflecting the light from a small opening in the living room floor. The whole place was dusty so he could see the light shining. He was startled when he saw dust randomly flying over the quarter for a half-second. Two seconds later, the quarter was moved to the right, two centimeters. He gasped in fear, but he was determined to buy that purple light bulb for less than half-price so he quickly ran to it and picked it up. He felt a quick blow of wind on top of his hair hair and at that moment, he knew that something was going on. *
*After buying the light bulb from the garage sale, Aaron couldn't wait to lighten up his room so he didn't wait two seconds before putting it in. He flipped the light switch and the light didn't turn on. He flipped it again and it still didn't turn on. He flipped it two more times and it finally turned on, but it looked like 40 watts instead of 120 watts. * (Aaron) I knew it was too good to be true! *The light only brightened up the room 20%, but Aaron saw it suspiciously shining on something; the heat vent. It captured the light, breaking up everything in the room to pieces and only leaving the light bulb in place. Aaron tried to take out the light bulb, but it blasted a lightning bolt and electrocuted Aaron's hand. He quickly pulled his hand back to him and ran to the basement. In the basement, the furnace was burning up everything that the heat vent caught. The fire was unexpectedly blown out by an unknown force. Aaron ran over to the furnace to turn the switch off, but it was already turned off. He ran back to his room and saw that everything was back in it's place and clean. The light bulb finally looked like 120 watts. Aaron wondered what happened and finally realized, the heat vent always did that.*
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I know I could do a lot more, but I'm just telling a short story. When I said "It electrocuted Aaron's hand, I meant that the metal on the vent had electricity flowing through it and and it electrocuted Aaron. Are all of you mad because I didn't write it like one of those other stories? People sometimes write like this. But I will take some of your suggestions if they don't include anything about the stars.
I'm a new member to the website, but I'm not new to writing. I sometimes write my stories in a different way like in between the stars, an action is happening and after the name in parentheses, that character is talking. It's the way I write, creative.
Hey Mike!
Try formatting it like this:
Also you switch from present tense (I talk with you) to past tense (I talked with you) so it seems a bit weird!
Finally, this story seems very much like a nightmare! It has little fragments of the plausible, but everything is twisted so it's largely unrecognizable. Interesting writing! I want to recommend to you "The Man Who Was Thursday." I think you'll like it a lot.
Hello Mikesly!
Technically, it can't do that. Even for a sci-fic, when you specify 120W, it can't do such a thing.Welcome to YWS!
Well, I do have to agree with Tam, you'll need to edit it to make it look better.
I'm not sure what to make of the second paragraph. If it's some past incident or a dream, maybe put the entire thing in italics.
You should work on description. I would like to see more of description in this. You can show us what the surrounding looked like, describe what the garage-sale guy looks like. You could do a lot more than this, I'm sure.
PM me if you have questions.
~Lava.
Hey Mikesly,
Welcome to YWS (I can see that you're a newish member)
Now, I've never read a story set out like this. I mean, what's with all the stars? Don't you think it would look better like this:
Aaron was walking down fifty-third street where he had seen someone at a garage sale who was giving away mysterious objects. He saw one that he liked; a purple light bulb. He slowly walked towards the garage sale and the owner looked at him.
"How bright is this light bulb?" Aaron asked.
"One-hundred and twenty watts," the owner asked.
"How much?"
"One hundred and twenty dollars" Aaron reached into his pocket and pulled out two measly notes.
"All I have is two dollars seventy five cents."
"If you find a quarter, I will give this to you for three dollars," The shop keeper negotiated.
If you don't want to change it, that's fine. Now the next bit is really coo, if you are going to follow my advice, I'd say:
1) Get rid of the stars
2) Don't start every sentence with 'Aaron'.
Strong Points
The plot idea is very funny and made me laugh. You use a good amount of dialogue, and you explain what is going on very well.
Weak Points
You shouldn't write numbers as numbers e.g. 7 should be seven. Also, you could've described what the garage sale looked like and how the owner spoke.
Well done though, I enjoyed this piece!! PM me if you want me to review anything else
~Tamara