Blood drive

Hello this is Foxmaster!!!!
This was so good! I could already tell from the title, Ooh something bad is going to happen here, interesting! I personally feel bad for Emily, considering she sounds like such a good person! And I just realized how ironic it is that I just understood the title- Emily is technically donating blood- except someone is well eating it instead! Did you mean to do that, or was that just an accident? I really enjoyed this! That's all! Also, if you are looking for anything to review, you could do my work?
-Foxmaster!!!

-Cleo Carson speaking

Wow, is the nurse a vampire? This story had me on the edge of my seat from about the 4th paragraph.
The story seems well-rounded with little to no grammatical or spelling errors. I don't see anything to complain about!
Overall, nice story, I can't wait to see it continue(if you plan to continue it)!

-Corp. C. Carson
-Bucklin County Sheriff's Office

This story was very well written! It kept me at the edge of my seat(literally). It built up anxiety and then ended without something to relieve that anxiety so it leaves it there for a long time. The little details that you mentioned gave it a suspense factor and made it scary. I say this a lot to my friends: "Little details make it suspenseful and scary!!" This story was amazing! You are very good at putting a story into words. The entire time I was reading I tried to guess what would happen next and then, it gave me a surprise. For instance, when Emily was showing her ID I thought she'd be perfectly fine to go and take her blood. But then, she couldn't but still ended up going because of the nurse. I also like how at the end of the story it almost forces you to guess what is going to happen but it will never tell you what is going to happen. I enjoyed this story a lot!

- Cher

Hi There!

First of all, this is a really good story. It kept me in suspense, and the ending was pretty insane (okay, yes, I said insane, can't stop me grammar police!) Second of all, you really put a lot into descriptions in the story. Good Job! Anyway, I am just going to rap this up real quick because I have to take a shower ('_'). This story is really good. Keep Writing!

Hi there

I just wanted to say that this book is outstanding

You can really put yourself in the characters shoes and the suspense makes it a million times better outstanding work no unnecessary details great work

Hi there!

I just wanted to give you a short review

There are so many good things to say about this story, to start: this story was very suspenseful. especially toward the end. Second, I love how you can see the plot very clearly. Third, I love how there is no confusing extra info. Fourth, you can tell what the character is feeling without needing to figure it out.

That's all I wanted to see, this story was a suspenseful read

Hi @Mikatsune

I am here to leave you an review!

First impression: This is just mindblowing, fantastic, interesting with a lot of awesome sauce added. You had me totally hooked from the beginning on.

Your character development can be a bit better. Maybe you can talk more about her background and backstory. And maybe more detail, I dont know. I feel like its a bit empty, but I think that will come later.

You did do a great job of showing Emily s motive and the fact that she would do anything to participate in the blood drive. I like that.

This part is so full of suspense, I like it very much.
(Feeling bored, she turned to look out of the window. It was then someone caught her eye. It was a lady who was striding forward, dressed in a light blue uniform who seemed to be a nurse. Emily smiled to herself. But as soon as she had spotted her, the lady disappeared. Had she just vanished into thin air? Emily gaped at the spot where the lady had been standing seconds ago.)

You describe the way Emily saw the nurse very good and how she vanished is also a great thing. That was one of the things that really made me want to read on. The fact that you chose the part where she was bored is good, because that way we (the readers) also don't get bored.

About your characters:
1. Emily
2. Mother
3. Mystery nurse
4. receptionist

1. Emily:
I think the way you described Emily's movements and her goal is very clear and you did an amazing job portraying that. I love how you use the words, glancing at her watch for the fifth time, frustrated sigh, she bit her lip, etc... That way she's more relatable to living people, I mean people can relate to her and it's more fun to read then.

2. Mother:
The fact that the mother is driving Emily to the hospital shows that she has interest in her daughters life and supports her trough the way. That's a nice thing to do for a mother. The part where the mother says "Emily isn’t that much younger, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” supports my statements of saying that her mother supports her. You did an great job writing the mother character.

3. Mystery nurse:
So, about her... I think you did an mind-blowing job, because you blew my mind. You described her vanshing and apprearing back so good. And you did it with so much emotion and everything. I am very excited to learn more about her in the next parts. Her physical apprearence was also greatly described. I am probably thinking she's a vampire. (which is nice, i like that)

4. receptionist:
The fact that the receptionist was against the fact that Emily was underaged is good. Why? because that's what most of the nurses will do, they will just talk and talk and try to talk you out of it, because they're doing their jobs. That was also good, it did seems she was a bit scared of the mystery nurse. I don't know why, I guess i'll have to find out later.

About the story itself:

This first paragraph,
(Emily glanced at her watch for the fifth time. She let out a frustrated sigh. She was going to be late for the blood drive, the blood drive she had waited months for. The car had barely moved a meter from half an hour ago, and all Emily could see in front of her was an endless line of glaring red dots. This was the last thing Emily wanted. She had already waited through the whole day because her mom was at work and couldn’t drive her to the hospital. It was blood donors' day, one of the most important days of her life. It only happened once a year and Emily was really looking forward to it. She enjoyed helping others and wanted to save lives, and she volunteered whenever she had the time.)

I feel like you did an amazing job showing the fact that Emily really really wanted to get to the hospital ASAP and that she didn't want to be late or miss anything. I love her motivation. I think you got that part very right.

Second paragraph,
(Emily chewed on her lips nervously, looking out at the traffic and wondering when she would reach the hospital. She had prepared everything for the blood drive, having healthy meals and drinking plenty of water the day before. Feeling bored, she turned to look out of the window. It was then someone caught her eye. It was a lady who was striding forward, dressed in a light blue uniform who seemed to be a nurse. Emily smiled to herself. But as soon as she had spotted her, the lady disappeared. Had she just vanished into thin air? Emily gaped at the spot where the lady had been standing seconds ago. Perplexed, she turned to her mom who was sitting beside her. “Did you see that, mom? The lady on the pavement just disappeared!” Emily’s mom frowned, “Sorry, I was focused on the road. But she didn’t disappear, Emily, that’s impossible. You must be mistaken.” Emily knew what she had seen. She was sure she had just seen somebody disappear. )

Here you make it even more clear that Emily was desperate to help where she could. Great job is the only thing I can say. The confusion wether she saw someone or not is also clear and very outstanding. I am happy you did that, I love such mysterie thingies.

Third part,
(The car finally reached the doors of the hospital. Emily leaped out, her heart soaring. She was finally here! Emily’s nose tickled from the clinical sanitizer smell and her eyes darted around the waiting rooms, and she heard the squeaking of wheelchairs on the floor. As she scurried up, a receptionist greeted her. “Are you here for the blood drive?” She asked. “Yes!” Emily exclaimed. The receptionist led her to a counter where Emily registered and fished out her identification card. The receptionist peered at the card and a frown creased onto her forehead. “You’re underage. You must be seventeen or above to donate blood.” Emily nodded blankly, then slowly registered what she had said. Her jaw fell slack. She was underage! “Hold on,” Emily’s mother piped up, “Emily isn’t that much younger, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Emily nodded vigorously, hoping to somehow persuade the receptionist. The receptionist shook her head dismissively, “If anything happens to you, Emily, it’ll be our fault that we allowed you to donate blood.” Emily’s heart sank.)

There are so many obstacles from keeping Emily to do what she wants to do (to reach her goal). Her mother isn't a really great help, I think. You did point out the dissapointment very good, that nice.

Part four,
( “It’s alright. I’ll be fully responsible for Emily. If anything happens, it’s my fault,” an angelic voice came from behind. Emily whipped around to see a nurse with long blonde hair cascading down her back and a white face that looked like it belonged to a doll. Emily felt a surge of happiness and found herself doing a bow of gratitude. Then she noticed the nurse looked familiar. She couldn’t quite remember when she had seen that nurse and she racked her brain for the memory. The receptionist sighed exasperatedly, “Fine.”)

Oehhhh.... here comes our mystery nurse again! You know because you wrote her face was very pale and it looked like it belonged to a doll (very nice detail over there) You made me wonder, is...she...maybe...a...vampire?

Also your title gave that a little bit away, I think. Not to forget: I am obsessed with Vampires, werewolves and that kinda stuff. So, I'll be very very very happy if your story is about that. (*squeling with excitement in my classroom on my chair, with no one watching me)

Part 5:
( Emily followed the familiar-looking nurse to a small room where the nurse would be testing her blood and would be getting her to fill out a few forms. Emily was still trying to recall when she had seen the nurse. When she was finished, the nurse escorted Emily to a comfortable seat. Emily held out her hand, her breath coming out in short gasps. She didn’t know if she was nervous or excited or maybe both. Just as the nurse was preparing, Emily remembered. This was the nurse who had mysteriously disappeared! Emily's breath caught in her throat. An evil glint had appeared in the nurse’s eyes. Gulping, Emily hung her head, trying to ignore the knot that started to form in her stomach. The nurse smiled. Her teeth were dazzling and pearly white and her tongue slid over her bottom lip, two teeth peeking over it.)

Oh my god, the teeth and the who descriptions there makes me wonder even more. If your planning on going all vampiry, I'll say definitly go for it. I am so excited already and your description of the last parapgraph over these is world class.

You did an amazing job, Mika. Keep up up the amazing work and I am definitly looking forward on reading more of this story if you want to continue it ofc. I would say go for it! You already have one reader, that'll most definitly read.

Blood drive forever,
- Rinisha