Published July 27, 2017
What is it like, being a human? I think I used to know. Before they experimented on me. Before they took everything out and stuffed me. I don’t know. I just know what happened. They turned me into a stuffed machine. I do what I’m told. That’s my job, to do what I’m told. Usually it’s killing people. Normally, I didn’t care. I never felt anything. Until the last one….
It was Thursday, midnight, one hour before it turned into Friday morning. I had been told what my job for that night was. This is what appeared on the screen I held in my hands earlier that day:
Target: Hazel Belcam
Age of Target: 23
Business: Coding disease case drives
Name of Business: Dangerous diseases encryption org.”
Work Address: 897 Midnight Road
Home Address: 541 Twilight Street
The Framed: Cameron Lare
The Job: Kill Hazel Belcam, Get the drive,
Frame Cameron Lare.
Report to Room 14 for more details.
I got up and walked down the hall to Room 14. That was where I got all the job details for all the jobs. Except for the really hard ones. Those ones were handled by the people in Room 99. I knocked on the door of Room 14 and was told to enter. I did. There was no conversation. No words. I was handed a folder and told to return to Room 10 and to carry out the instructions stipulated on in the folder. Room 10 was my room. I returned and sat down on the cot. I took the paper out of the folder and began to read.
Subject 12, you will receive an ear piece at the time of departure. You are to report to headquarters every 15 minutes.You are to go to 897 Midnight Road at 23:30. You are to wait until the Target has left 897 and you are to follow her to Twilight Street. You are to wait until she has entered 541. You will then wait until 24:00 when you are to enter the house and kill the target. You are then to retrieve the drive, which will have the number 7454 on it. The drive should be in her purse. You are then to make it look like Cameron Lare did the killing. At 2:00 AM you are to return here and await further orders. DESTROY AFTER READING.
I finished reading and looked at the clock. I had half an hour to prepare. I got up and went to the fireplace. I threw the folder into the flames, which were always going. I didn’t need to keep the folder. I remembered what I had read. I went down the hall to Room 15 that was were they kept the weapons. I walked up to the desk and handed the person my screen. After unlocking a cupboard in the desk, I was given a revolver with a silencer and a knife. Five minutes to go. It would take me five minutes to get to the northeast door, which was the door I’d be exiting from for this job. I was handed an earpiece which I turned on and then walked out the door. I stayed in the shadows. By 23:30 I was at the designated address.
I pulled out the gun and made sure it was loaded and ready to fire. I cocked it, put the safety on and waited. After about five minutes the door of the building opened and a young woman walked out. I locked my sight onto the woman and the information came up on my screen: Hazel Belcam, age 23. I crept along the street, staying in the shadows.
“Subject 12, do you have eyes on target?” The voice came through clearly. That was one thing they knew how to do, make good, high-tech equipment. I guess it made sense, I mean it’s kind of hard to do a job with bad equipment.
“Subject 12, do you have eyes on target!?”
“Yes. She has just turned onto Twilight Street.”
“Subject 12, you remember your instructions clearly?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Very good. Report when you have finished. Over and out.”
There was static and then silence. Headquarters wouldn’t check back in until I called to tell them that the job was finished. That’s how it usually worked…until tonight.
I followed the woman until she entered a two story house. I looked at the address on the mailbox. “541 Twilight Street.” Exactly where I needed to be. I put the silencer on the gun and walking slowly and quietly, I came up to the door. I looked up. The light was on in the top floor. I carefully eased the door open and crept in, carefully shutting the door behind me. I looked around, it was a neat little house. I had entered into the mudroom, a coat rack hung to the left of the door, to the right there was another door. I went and opened it and saw a car. Now that made no sense. Why would she walk to and from work when she had a car? It didn’t matter. I came here to do a job and that was what I was going to do. I went through the door that was straight in front of the first door and entered into a nice little kitchen. To the right was a set of stairs. To the left there was a door that entered into a small livingroom. I stopped and listened, making sure that she was still upstairs, then I cautiously proceeded to mount them. I came to a door and gently pushed it open. The woman was standing outside on a small balcony. There was a bed, and next to it a little nightstand with a phone on it. A message was blinking on the screen. I activated my screen and heard:
“Hey Hazel, It’s Cam. I was just calling to see how you were doing. I need to talk to you. Can we meet sometime, like maybe tonight? I know this is hard for you, after what happened, but it’s important. Give me a call back.”
I smiled. Perfect. If Hazel had Cameron come over tonight...I activated my earpiece and notified headquarters.
Hazel turned to the door. I darted into a closet and waited. Hazel came in and sat down on the bed. She held the phone in her hand and seemed to be extremely reluctant to dial the number. I sat in that closet for about an hour before I heard a car pull up. Hazel hadn’t moved, but now she got up and left. I waited a few minutes then came down behind her. She was in the living room and a young man was with her. I turned my screen on and this is what appeared:
Cameron Lare,
Age: 24
Business: Manager of the Lare Disease coding Company.
Home address: 214 Shilo Rd.
I smiled. So this was Cameron Lare. I switched my screen off and concentrated on him and Hazel. They were still trying to ask each other how their lives were going. I had better wait until they were really engaged in conversation, basically once they got to the reason why Cameron was over. They sat down, facing each other.
“Alright, what is so important?” Hazel asked. Cameron looked around, then leaned forward.
“Someone’s going to kill you. Tonight. They want the drives you’ve coded.”
Hazel snorted.
“Sure. I’m not sure why you would care.” She said in a voice that dripped sarcasm and iciness. Cameron sighed.
“Look, I know you’re still mad at me. But I’m not joking, besides, you’re the best we’ve got.”
“Gee, Thanks.” Hazel said, “Even if it is late.”
I couldn’t wait anymore. I jumped out of the closet. Now was the time. Especially if Cameron knew about them. Except I had a slight problem. I couldn’t let Cameron live, unless I wanted to gamble my chances on the fact that nobody would believe him. I pointed the gun at them. Hazel screamed, Cameron jumped up, but didn’t show much emotion.
“Which one of you should I kill first?” My voice was cold and emotionless. I didn’t feel. I was a robot. Thanks to them.
“Wha-...” Hazel didn’t get any further. I pulled the trigger and she fell, right onto the floor. Cameron jumped back, his mouth hanging open. I walked over to him and putting the gun against the side of his head, I pulled the trigger. He fell into the chair. I pulled out a handkerchief and after wiping the gun down, I put it into Cameron’s hand. Going back to Hazel’s bedroom, I opened her nightstand and grabbed her computer. I then made it look like a tornado had gone through her room. On my way out the door, I notified headquarters.
“Headquarters, this is subject 12. The job is done. Hazel Belcam is dead along with Cameron Lare. He knew to much, somehow. I killed him too, but I made it look like he committed suicide.”
“Well done subject 12. You have the drives?”
“I have her computer.”
“Very good. Report straight to your room as soon as you are back. Over and out.”
I slipped back along the street, taking a different route this time. I went along a back alley, gun cocked and ready. In these back alleys, one never knew what kind of character one would find. I had fifteen minutes. I began to run and made it back to headquarters right on time. I turned my gun in and the computer and went to my room. After about half an hour my door opened and a short guy with no hair and a name tag that read “Bob,” entered.
“Come with me.” He said. I got up and followed him out the door. We went down the hall to a door marked ‘Room 24.’ As we entered, I saw a bed, next to it was a table with a bunch of cords and wires hooked up to a computer.
“Lay down on the bed,” Bob told me. I did while he turned on the computer and handed me a headband looking thing. I put it on and laid back down.
“Just close your eyes,” Bob said, without looking at me. I did and suddenly I received a shock and I was left floating in blackness.
“Subject 12. Subject 12. Wake up.” Bob’s voice came to me slowly. I groaned and sat up. I opened my eyes and gasped. My head hurt and everything was spinning around.
“Easy subject 12.” Bob said, I looked at him. Bob? Something told me that I shouldn’t remember his name.
“What did you do to me Bob?” I asked, while my eyes sought out something I could use for a weapon.
“What did you say?” Bob’s eyebrows shot up and he looked a little alarmed. That told me to be a little more wary. I blinked and groaned again.
“Subject 12, are you okay?” Bob was waving his hand in front of my eyes. I looked at him, with what I hoped was a blank look on my face.
“Who are you?” I asked. He looked relieved.
“Where were you last night? What did you do?” He asked, looking at me intently. I stared back.
“I didn’t do anything last night. I stayed in my room all night. Can I get up now?” He nodded and I took the headband off and stood up. Bob was shutting the computer down and I heard him say “Memory wipe complete and successful.”
I stored it away in my data files for later examination.
“You are free to return to your room Subject 12.”
I left without saying anything.
Back in my room, I sat down on my bed and thought. This didn’t make any sense. Where was I? Who was I? Was my name really Subject 12? Why did I have my memory wiped? Wiped for what? I looked at my screen. It was 1:00. I laid down to try and get some sleep.
“Someone’s going to kill you. Tonight. They want the drives you’ve coded.”
“Sure. I’m not sure why you would care.”
A woman’s voice, cold and sarcastic. Something had happened between these two. What killer? Who? Why? Suddenly a tall blond with green eyes jumped out of a closet and pointed a gun at them.
“Which one of you should I kill first?” The girl’s voice was cold, emotionless, robotic, and there was something very familiar about her. A flash, a cry, the woman fell, then the man. The girl took out a handkerchief, wiped the gun and then put it in the dead man’s hand. Who were those people? Hazel and Cameron. Now how did I know that? And why was I dreaming about this girl? This murder? The girl ransacked Hazel’s room, grabbed a computer and ran back downstairs. Then I heard a familiar voice. Headquarters voice.
“Well done subject 12. You have the drives?”
Subject
12. My name. My job. I woke
up and sat up with a gasp.
I knew who I was now.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
First of all, this story is awesome. I loved it! As alliyah said, you began the story well on a nice, mysterious note.
I did not notice any grammatical errors as such. Writing certain words in the uppercase and in italics was a good idea since it made the words more impactful.
Now coming to the actual content of the story. The title of the story "The job" complements it as it gives the idea to the reader that the story is going to be a thrilling and mysterious one. Even though I liked the story, I couldn't help but think that it could have been better had it been more detailed. I mean, you wrote about the place where you were in and all those things in a descriptive manner, but not much about your feelings and emotions. Towards the end of the story, humane feelings start blooming in you, so I feel that the conflicts in the feelings between your loyalty to your organisation and kindness for your target should be emphasized upon. You may have wanted to keep the story short and simple on purpose, but I don't know that. Moving on, I was also a bit confused about the doors and stuff, but I guess that was the point of it: to arouse a feeling of mystery in the mind of the reader.
Overall, it was a nice, mysterious story in which the setting of the places and people were detailed. It was well-written. The end of the story on a positive (and somewhat thrilling) note made it quaint. I loved it! Keep up the good work!
I'm trying to get across that she doesn't have feelings. She was experimented on, basically a machine. Any ideas as to how I can make that come across more clearly?
Um, you could add a line or two towards the end about her emotions, when she throws the folder
into the fireplace (which is an indication of developing human feelings). Anyways, it was an awesome story!!
Hi there! Just wanted to leave some quick thoughts here for review day.
these details don't move the plot along but adds to the machine like characteristics of our narrator.So I really like the initial concept you have at the beginning of the piece -- I love any story with a bit of mystery into it, you have a great hook at the beginning with the mysterious "they" and the experiment.
One thought I had while reading is that the speaker is very very very detail oriented (especially with numbers) for instance this line
I think that the instructions ought to be formatted a little bit more similarally and maybe in italics like a note rather than bold? The first bolded section just seems to have a little bit too much spacing in it. All the different addresses seem a bit un-needed and distracting for me as well. I also don't get this: I just don't see the connection to what this means in the story at this point. A short physical description or more about the target might generate a bit more reader sympathy to the character if added though.
Another small criticism is that I think the room switching from room to room was a bit confusing and didn't really build up more suspense for me, I think if you went more into detail about each of those locations or cut out that section entirely it might be more effective.
So far, the piece does not seem quite complete, but I'm curious to know where it will go. I like the set-up you have and the beginnings of some characterization. But I'd love a bit more suspense built up and also some more information or clues as to the experiments the first paragraph talked about.
Best of luck in your future writing!
~alliyah
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I'd say the biggest problem with this story is that it's trying too many ideas at once. It seems to jumble together everything without leaving any proper substance. I'm wondering if you're planning to do a follow-up since you've labelled this as a short story.
I'm not going to correct grammar mistakes, as usual. I tend to just skim over them. Your work doesn't appear to have any big ones at first glance, so you do have good writing.
The first paragraph has an entirely different tone to the rest of the story. If this is going to be a multi-chapter thing, then it's possible to make the opening paragraph its own prologue.
There are some minor details that should be addressed about the list of information. People don't name their businesses that literally. You also label Cameron to be framed twice.
The rest of the story seems to have minor unnecessary details that a protagonist wouldn't say or notice. They wouldn't try to explain things like how room 10 is their room, they were always going to throw the documents in the fire, or how they always remembered what was written. I wrote a bunch of paragraphs about this problem:
Difference between First and Second perspectives
I know it's a lot to read, but it's a common problem some people have when writing stories. Yours are tamer compared to others, but there's still a bit of it showing.
To sum up my points, your story seems to be a prologue (but I'm not completely sure) that you mislabeled, the first paragraph has a different tone, and you write about details people wouldn't normally notice. I hope you write more about this story so I'm able to get a much firmer grasp on it, and if you do I'll write another review that'll try to point out some story problems you may have. Sorry if I've been harsh with you, but you have something interesting, and I hope you'll fully realise it.
Hello, midnightmoon! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!
First comment: Wow! What a story! I really love how you described the people that stuffed the main character as just they. it has a very mysterious vibe to it, I love how you didn't give all the information! But my one question is if the main character is only known as Subject 12, does she/he remember his/her name?
Second comment: There are a couple words in the fourth paragraph I feel could be taken out. The sentence(s), "I was handed a folder and told to return to Room 10 and to carry out the instructions stipulated on in the folder. Room 10 was my room." I feel it could be changed to, "I was handed a folder and told to return back to my room, Room 10." The flow goes along much better.
Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry if I was harsh in any way you didn't like. Keep writing!
Pastel
Thank you!