We were allowed to walk around the room to stretch our legs, but always under watch. We were given food and water, but we were never allowed to leave the room except to use the bathroom. We weren’t told anything more about what was going on or what was happening, but we had established the fact that we were in the hands of a psychopath. It was at the end of the second week when Alex came in while Natalie and I were eating dinner.
“I do hope you’ve covered every possible corner of your mind as to what the tests could be” He said. Natalie and I exchanged a glance.
“The test will begin after you are done eating your dinner. I hope you've enjoyed the peace and privacy we've given you. It's highly unlikely you'll make through the test."
He grinned with apparent relish and walked out of the room. Natalie and I stared at each other again. This was so encouraging. Natalie took our trays to the door and slipped them through the slot and then came back and sat down on the bed. Rick came in and tied up our feet again. After he left, Natalie and I sat talking.
“Well, what do you think this psychopath has in mind for us?” Natalie asked. “I’m sure he’s in control here, so whatever is going to happen is definitely something of his design.” I stared at her. Why was she stating the obvious?
“Have you ever notice that you are really bad about stating the obvious?” I asked her. She shrugged.
“Sorry. I’m just trying to think.”
I sighed and laid back on the pillows.
“Lets try to sleep.”
I had been asleep for about maybe an hour, when I suddenly sat up in bed, wide awake. I saw Natalie sitting up in bed as well.
“What is it?” I asked her in a whisper. She shook her head at me and pointed to the door. It was open. The hall was dark, and we couldn't hear anything. Was this our chance? I pulled myself up and started to untie the rope around my feet.
"What are you doing?!?" Natalie hissed at me.
"Look, the door is open, and the guard isn't there. This is our cha-" I stopped. Where was the guard? This was the test, but what were we supposed to do? I shook my head.
"To hell with it. I'm tired of being here. Even if this is the test, I'm getting out of this room. At least for a little bit!" I said. Natalie looked uncertain, but started to untie her ropes. Finally! I had my infernal knots undone. I stood up and waited for Natalie. Carefully walking to the door, I poked my head into the hallway. Nothing. Natalie went out, hugging the wall. I followed. The hallway was long, and there were rooms on either side, but they seemed to be uninhabited. It wasn't exactly dark, but it wasn't exactly light either. It was the kind of light you would expect to see in a horror movie in a nightly forest scene. That dim, eerie, bluish light. It wasn't at all comforting. My heart began to race. Where was the end of the hall? I shook my head. I was getting scared. How come there was no guard? Why had our door been ajar? I shook my head again. This was the test, but it might be a way out.
We were near the end of the hall, hiding in the shadow of one of the door frames, when a noise came from within.
"Help!" the cry was muffled, but we heard it. It was repeated, this time with more emphasis. Natalie and I looked at each other, I nodded and began to turn the handle. The door opened. We stood in the doorway, waiting for our eyes to adjust to the darkness. There was the small glow of a night-light, and we could see a bed. Then it moved. We let out a stifled squeal.
"Help me!" the cry came again. Moving a little closer, Natalie and I saw a figure on the bed.It was strapped down and had a gag in it's mouth. The person had been struggling so hard that the ropes had cut into the skin. My hands were just about to touch the bindings when the lights came on.
“For dog-gone crying out loud," I grumbled. "If they keep doing that I’m going to be blind within days.”
Natalie looked at me.
“Mixing your curses there, sis.”
I glared at her.
“Who cares? As long as it gets the point across.”
“You should also stop exaggerating. You aren’t going to go blind within days if they keep surprising us with lights.” I stared at her. SHE was lecturing me on exaggerating!?
“Coming from the girl who exaggerates everything!” I snapped at her. She shrugged her shoulders. I sighed in exasperation.
I heard a chuckle. Alex stood in the doorway. He had this blood chilling grin on his face, and was holding something in his hand, hiding it behind his back.
What would happen to us now?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Well, everybody's already mentioned everything I would mention! I can't wait for chapter four - you ended us on a cliffhanger!
Thanks for reading!
Hey-a there, Midnightmoon.
I've never read any of your previous chapters so if I get something twisted or dreadfully wrong, I'm sorry! I'll do my best here.
I do have to say: under these typically horrifying circumstances, being held hostage and having to go through these tests, I found this chapter amusing. A lot of the dialogue between the girls reminded me so much of my sisters and I, it was hilarious. I loved the irony in the "stating the obvious" point and "Coming from the girl who exaggerates everything!” statement. xD Great job.
So, I don't know where you're going with this story, but I don't know what the test was supposed to point out here. In most stories like this I read, it's to glean some info from the person or break them, or something along those lines, but in this case, I don't know what Alex is trying to do. I'll just go with your statement that he's a psychopath. However. Even though you say he is, I don't see that established in this chapter. These are the only words he says in here:
But those seem like something a regular Bad Guy would say. Not necessarily the abnormal, violently aggressive, mental disorder of a psychopath.
Then again, your whole tone er, voice of the story is kind of light-hearted, and not extreme give-you-goosebumps horror. It was actually kind of refreshing. xD
Anywho, sorry I don't have much to say on this. If you have any questions or comments about anything I said, just let me know! Thanks for the read, and you know what they all say: Keep up your writing!
cheers!
Hi Midnight. Clearing this out of the Green Room as a frantic Knight of the After Watch. I believe I reviewed your first chapter and this is much much better.
I was interested by the tests! I knew the ajar door was part of the test, and I was waiting for when the "chuckle" would happen. Now, I'm not saying this is a red flag for "bad" predictability, but this is something that ramps up the tension when the MC announced she wanted to go out.
The scene when Natalie and the MC felt a little rushed in my opinion. I mean, the test was SO fast! I would have loved to hear a little more of the MC's inner monologue, though not too much though. Is she wondering more and more about the test? Is she nervous about it? I'd love to feel more of her emotions? Is her adrenaline up?
I also think, though it is a tension-high scene, it can also do with a little more setting. Setting can really enhance the atmosphere! For example,
Is it dark? Is it bright? If there's light, what kind? Any kind of creepy feeling they get? Do they hear any faint sounds other than the muffled "HELP"? And when describing things, choosing words with care can really ramp up the "feeling" of the scene. This may be for later drafts but remember that choice of words can build up an atmosphere.
Well, since BlueAfrica covered the dialogue, I think that's all I've got to say here. Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and message me if you have any comments!
Princess Ink
Of
So first of all, I wanted to say that I liked this.
It really makes the characters feel like sisters, because even in the midst of a dangerous scenario they can't help poking fun at each other and arguing just a little in a sibling sort of way. It got a lot confusing as to who was speaking sometimes, though, because you've got stuff like this
which for a moment made me think the narrator was saying that, even though I was pretty sure she was the one who had just said the previous line. If you break the dialogue up a little differently - so the speaker's actions are by her dialogue instead of by the other speaker's dialogue - that would clear up the confusion. Like this.
Also, I thought this was a bit funny.
When the narrator thought "why was she stating the obvious," I thought, "Probably so the readers will know what the obvious is." I mean, it made it a little better because the narrator actually mentioned it, so it was kind of like you were poking fun at characters who point out the obvious. ("If there's a key, there must be a door!") But it still very much came across as "the readers might not understand this if I don't spell it out for them," which you definitely want to avoid.
ON THE OTHER HAND, this is the first chapter I've read. So for all I know, Natalie really does point out the obvious all the time, in which case this could just be a weird character quirk that you poke fun at throughout the story. Then it would come across as humorous instead of insulting. Like Tamatoa in Moana, where he's like "Ooh, a shiny little...oh, wait, it's a human who's covered herself in shiny objects. You can't run from me - oh, I see you can, well, aren't you full of surprises. Ooh, the heart of Tefi - oh, wait, I see, she's covered a barnacle in bioluminescent algae." That's my favorite thing about him, that he's always saying stuff like that as he realizes the obvious. So if you wanted to go in that direction, I think that would be the way to do it - have Natalie state the obvious frequently so it sort of becomes a running joke.
Thanks!