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Young Writers Society



Danger and Risk vs chance.....?

by Midnightmoon


I realized I had been holding my breath and let it out slowly. What was he holding behind his back? The person on the bed fidgeted and I turned to the bed, Natalie covering my back. The person lying on the bed was a man of about 20, and looked very familiar. As I undid the ropes and the man sat up, I gasped. It was Neil Parker! Neil was my boyfriend, a year older than me, and the best person I knew. What the hell was he doing here?! I whirled on Alex.

“You…..You….beast!” I shrieked. “Of all the low down, stupid, psychotic things to do!! Why. Is. He. Here?!” I screamed as I rushed at Alex, but Natalie saw something I didn’t and tackled me to the floor. I looked up at Alex. He had a knife right in front of my face! His eyes were glittering and he had a grin on his face that made me shudder. I picked myself up off the floor, slowly, my eyes never leaving the knife. Natalie followed me, still keeping a tight grip on my arms. Alex chuckled.

“Well, I thought you might need some motivation.” He said, his voice was soft, which was extremely blood chilling. If his goal was to totally freak us out, he was succeeding. Admirably.

“You see, I thought if you had your boyfriend here, it might motivate you to...let me see….do exactly what I want, without any fights.”

Natalie and I glanced at each other. Something was definitely wrong here…. Alex continued, his voice a purr.

“What I want you do to, is to keep going through this hall, down to the door at the very end. There I think you’ll find someone that Natalie is rather familiar with. I want you to take this gun, and shoot him. He has something I want, something dangerous, something useful, something to help me....conquer the world. It’s better you die getting it for me, than me dying.” I watched Natalie. Her face was turning red. We both knew who Alex was talking about.

“NEVER!” Natalie shrieked, and she dove at Alex. I lashed out and grabbed the knife. Alex wretched his arm and the knife slipped, cutting into my hand. Natalie managed to get one of his feet and tripped him. The three of us were rolling on the floor, me, trying to get the knife, Natalie, trying to knock him out, Alex fighting us both off. Then the lights went out again. Great! Suddenly a hand grabbed mine and squeezed it, cutting of the blood flow. Neil! At the same time he kicked out at Alex caught him somewhere vital. He loosened his grip on the knife. Natalie saw her chance and grabbed the knife. She scrambled up, keeping the knife pointed at where we hoped Alex was, all we could see was a dim shape on the floor, holding a hand to his face. Neil helped me up off the floor and the three of us cornered Alex. Natalie pointed the knife at him.

“Turn the lights back on.” She said, her voice low and dangerous. Alex cackled.

“Make me.”

Neil took the knife from Natalie and held against Alex’s wrist.

“Would you really like me to cut you open?” He asked, and Alex growled.

“Alright.” The lights came back on. Alex was laying on the floor, his left eye was swelled shut, his mouth was swollen and bleeding and he had a small cut above one eyebrow. My hand was still bleeding, though not as bad, Natalie had a lump on her forehead and she was tendering one leg. This was just lovely.


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373 Reviews


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Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:13 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Midnight. I'm just sending it out of the Green Room now.

Alex feels like a flat villain to me. He cackles, which is a really typical sign of villainy in my opinion, and there seems to be no reason he behaves like that. Is there some reason he wants to hurt people like that? Why does he want to hurt the MC and whoever she's close to? "Conquer the world" motivations are rather common too, and while I'm not saying "it's bad", does he have a reason for having that wish? I believe he needs some complexity to be a rounded character--all those major characters need a degree of complexity.

I liked the pacing in the action bit, but I wasn't fond of this sentence:

The three of us were rolling on the floor, me, trying to get the knife, Natalie, trying to knock him out, Alex fighting us both off.


This is a rather weak sentence and sounds like it's trying to summarize. Even though a blow-by-blow description of an action scene will lead to monotony, I suggest expanding on this a little.

In the early stages of the fighting, I was a little bemused as to where Neil was hanging about. Was he still groggy? Trying to get out of bed? This is probably not a good question to ask because knowing everything that's going on during a "battle" won't make so much sense.

Alright, so I'll be heading out now! Hope this helped.

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Fri Jun 02, 2017 3:21 am
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello! Feather here to review!

So I know I haven't read the rest of this, but I needed to review something, so...here I am.

All in all, it was good: well-paced (fast but not too fast as to have it be confusing) and you did a good job of describing the various characters' actions without confusing who was who, which is quite the feat with four characters in a room.

"What was he holding behind his back? The person on the bed fidgeted and I turned to the bed, Natalie covering my back." Back twice in two sentences is repetitive; perhaps "What was he holding behind him?" or something like that would be better. It's the same in the next two sentences with 'the man'. Maybe substitute 'him'?

"What the hell was he doing here!?!?" Two things: first, it's kind of weird to have half of it emphasized and the other half not. I'd either choose one word to emphasize or emphasize all/none of it. Secondly, the '!?!?!' though seen in literature, isn't really correct, especially when you get more than two. I'd keep it to ? or maybe ?! but that's all.

"It’s better you die getting it for me, then me dying." Grammar time! 'Then' refers to when something is happening; the dog went to his bed and then slept. 'Than' is used when comparing things - the dog went to his bed; it was much more comfortable than the floor. Thus, this should be 'than' instead of 'then'.

See you around! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

~ Fea





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