Alex came in with two needles and syringes.
I rolled my eyes. I was getting so sick of this guy and his creepiness.
“Will I be able to see Neil again?” I asked, not sure why I had asked, as I was rather fearing the answer. Alex shrugged.
“Depends on how you behave yourselves.” The way he said it, you would have thought he was talking to a pair of unruly kids. I clamped my mouth shut, lest we got into more trouble. Inside, I was a mess.
“Why was Neil here? Why was this all so confusing? It shouldn’t be, really. I mean, Alex is a dangerous psychopath, Neil and Rick are being held hostage to make sure Natalie and I cooperate. He wants something that Rick has, something of value, but what? What was it that we were supposed to get? But wait a minute….Didn’t Alex say that we had passed the first test? But then why is he keeping Neil and Rick locked up? Is it just to scare us? Or is there really something that Rick has that Alex wants so desperately? And if so, what? What could he want so desperately? He said….What was it?….. “Something to help me conquer the world?” Was that it? Yes, that had been it. Now that made no sense. It was impossible for anyone to conquer the world. Impossible! That kind of thing only happened in movies….Right? Of course it only happens in movies! What am I thinking? Alex just wants to scare us. That’s it. But again, Why was Neil here??? And how the hell? I mean, Neil had kicked him in the face! And how had Natalie and I ended back up in our rooms?”
Those were the thoughts going through my head. I had been so absorbed that I hadn’t even noticed when Alex stuck the needle into my arm. I groaned and laid back on my pillow. I felt sick, extremely sick. My head was a whirl, I had a headache, and worst of all, I was nauseous, I was sweating, and on looking in my reflection in the mirror, I saw that my face was white. I sighed and closed my eyes. I felt so…..detached. I felt like I was just floating around in space, in a black void, not caring about anything. I didn’t care how Natalie was doing. I just wanted to sleep, and so I did. Within a minute I was sound asleep.
Blackness. Noises. Confusion. Cold. I couldn’t see. I could only feel. My hands were bound, my eyes were covered, I was gagged, and I was sweating and shaking. Shivering. Clanging noises. Steps coming towards me. My bonds are cut and the gag removed. I feel fingers at the back of my head. The blind falls off. Yet I still can’t see. I can feel a brightness… suddenly I am jerked up. I stumble. I am shoved back against the wall. A harsh voice laughs. A knife is poked into my back. I cry out in fear. Another laugh, a voice of disgust. The voice is Natalie’s.
“I told you she was weak.” Her voice dripped disgust, disgust that she didn’t bother to disguise, it was a voice that hurt.
“Weak. Weak and sentimental.” Her voice continued. “She’s weak. Did you hear how she cried out in fear? She will scare easily. That is our advantage.” Her voice stopped. I was trembling now. What was going on? Why couldn’t I see? A mans voice broke into my thoughts.
“You told us that you would help us break your sister-” He stopped, Natalie had broken in. Her voice was cold and hard.
“She is no sister of mine. She is to weak.”
“Understood.” The man said, “You have told us her weaknesses, mainly her boyfriend Neil. However, you shall have the honor of breaking her yourself.” The man laughed. I struggled against whoever/whatever was holding me.
“What have you done to Neil? Who are you people? Natalie, I am your sister! How could you betray me like that? Why can’t I see?” I asked, almost panicking. Natalie answered this time.
“You are blind. I forced the light on you myself. Don’t you remember?” A wicked laugh. “And now, sister, I shall have the pleasure of killing you myself. I owe you for the death of our parents. You, so sentimental. You just had to have that cat, didn’t you? That one eyed, limping, pathetic excuse of a cat. Our parents died in a car crash, going to get that cat for you!” Her voice rose and I felt a knife at my throat….something warm dripping down my neck….blackness once more, the final sound, a harsh, evil in it’s joy, cold, laughter.
I jerked upright, the ropes cutting into my feet. What a nightmare! Of course Natalie was in the bed next to me, but I still had to look over there. The door opened and Alex entered. He laid a tray of food at the foot of my bed.
“You know,” I said, “I’ve had plenty of time to think. This whole “taking over the world” stuff is impossible. Nobody can take over the world.” My voice was shaking, but I needed to clear things up before I went insane.
Alex smiled. It was a nasty smile, a sinister smile. It made me shudder.
“I know. I just wanted to see if the two of you would believe that. I may be a villain, but not like that. No, last night was just a test. It’s true that Rick has something I want, that I can’t get, and will die trying, which is why you are here, but no, I don’t want to take over the world.”
I stared at him. What was with this guy? First, he was a creepy, messed up person, then a person who tried to kill us, now he was sitting here, talking like a sane person! It was weird, being able to have a normal conversation with someone like Alex. This friendliness was freaky, and it raised a red flag.
“So what exactly was the test? How did we pass?” I asked. I was really confused.
“The test was seeing how much of a…..ah….heart. What I mean is, some of the people before you, one would kill the other, just because he thought he cared for his friend, until he was put to the utmost test. Then he realized that he would rather save himself. Pure selfishness and cowardice. The two of you, you two are always there for each other. And when put to the utmost test, you stayed true to each other.” Alex gave a small smile. I was thunderstruck.
I jerked upright, the ropes cutting into my feet. What a nightmare! Of course Natalie was in the bed next to me, but I still had to look over there. The door opened and Alex entered. He laid a tray of food at the foot of my bed.
“You know,” I said, “I’ve had plenty of time to think. This whole “taking over the world” stuff is impossible. Nobody can take over the world.” My voice was shaking, but I needed to clear things up before I went insane.
Alex smiled. It was a nasty smile, a sinister smile. It made me shudder.
“I know. I just wanted to see if the two of you would believe that. I may be a villain, but not like that. No, last night was just a test. It’s true that Rick has something I want, that I can’t get, and I’ll die if I try, which is why you are here, but no, I don’t want to take over the world.”
I stared at him. What was with this guy? First, he was a creepy, messed up person, then a person who tried to kill us, now he was sitting here, talking like a sane person! It was weird, being able to have a normal conversation with someone like Alex. This friendliness was freaky, and it raised a red flag.
“So what exactly was the test? How did we pass?” I asked. I was really confused.
“The test was seeing how much of a…..ah….heart. What I mean is, some of the people before you, one would kill the other, just because he thought he cared for his friend, until he was put to the utmost test. Then he realized that he would rather save himself. Pure selfishness and cowardice. The two of you, you two are always there for each other. And when put to the utmost test, you stayed true to each other.” Alex gave a small smile.
I was thunderstruck. A heartfelt statement coming from someone like Alex, who had waved a knife in my face the night before, was definitely something I wasn’t expecting. It was weird. What had happened? Why had he decided to show us that he also had at least a small bit of a heart? It would be best to be on my guard. I had read how villains would switch tactics to throw a person off the track. Was that what Alex was doing?
“You’ll never understand.” I snapped. “Natalie and I are sisters, and that is a bond that can’t be explained. We have our fights, but then we apologize and move on. We always have each others back, no matter how many fights we have. That bond is called love. And it comes in several different ways and there are different kinds of love. But I wouldn’t expect a person like you to understand that.” I knew I had made him mad. His face became blotchy and red.
“I suggest that you keep your mouth shut as to what I would and wouldn’t understand.” He got up and left.
I sat staring at the door after Alex left. That had been incredibly weird. I hadn’t realized until he left that I had been sweating. That guy was freaky! I really don’t think I could emphasize that enough. I looked at my tray. I really didn’t want to eat food that was served by him. Who knows what he could have done to it.
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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Hey I'm back!
Here's my thoughts on the nightmare section. As usual I'll review as i go along
- The first two lines are great in setting the tone of isolation and fear but when you add 'clanging noises' especially in its own sentence it makes me question: what about the clanging noises? Where did it come from? And you also put 'shivering' in a sentence of its own but you already told us that she's shaking so this isn't needed.
-There are times in the first paragraph were you just cut off, leaving the reader confused. For example: ' I can feel a brightness...suddenly I am jerked up.' This quick change makes me confused because the contrasts is very dramatic and there's no explanation. What does the light feel like? Describe how she feels feeling the light. Hope? Fear?
-YES!YES!YES! I love this Natalie! She's so evil and cruel! The dialogue is excellent it tells of a hinted past with Kayla and her. And tells us her motives of betraying her. Great improvement!
-Though the dialogue tag in the first dialogue could be better:
“I told you she was weak.” Her voice was full of disgust.
For me the added details are too much.
Other than that great improvement! I suggest sticking to this version. it was short, concise and we got an insight of their relationship! Well done!
It may feel like when I review it, I always point out negatives and it feels like nothing is changing but trust me, you are improving and its shaping up to be better than the last. Professional writers always regret what they write and are never satisfied with the end result of their novels, its just how writers are. But don't give up
Thank you! And Thanks for coming back. I know I've asked a lot.
It's fine
Its nice to see someone else improve on their talent 
Raven Black back for the third review!
As usual I'll review as I go along
- ' That kind of thing only happened in movies….Right? Of course it only happens in movies! What am I thinking? Alex just wants to scare us. That’s it.' This is perfect, makes the idea of taking over the world seem possible and also her reaction to it shows the reader her fear
- Still think that paragraph should be condensed.
- I think I said this before but when you describe that she feels ill, you tell instead of show. I suggest writing something like: 'My head whirled as my vision became a blur. Sweat dripped from my brow. I could feel my stomach churn with nauseousness.' something like this.
- Plus the description of her feeling ill should be condensed. It shouldn't be that long.
- I don't know how to feel about this version of the dream/nightmare. In this one so much was going on it was hard for me to focus and understand what was going on. In the last one it is was short and straight to the point but in this one you waver a bit on details that don't really need much explanation. But the added desperation and fear of Kayla was a great edition.
- I don't think Alex was talking in a sane way when he admit that he'll die for something he wants.
-Wait, I'm confused. One minute Alex is talking to her next he just entered the room...I'm confused.
- “I suggest that you keep your mouth shut as to what I would and wouldn’t understand.” He got up and left. This was a great edition, showed he either has something against love or something happened to him in the past.
Overall, I love the changes you've made. But the nightmare needs work again. Looking forward to reading your next edit
Thank you!
No problem
@RavenBlack
Sorry it took so long. If you want to review or read it one more time, I redid the nightmare.
Guess who's back, back again. Raven Black's back, tell a friend. (I'll stop now...)
)
Anyway I'm back to read the edited version. I though you rewrote it somewhere else but then I realized that it was on this page. (Sorry I'm stupid T_T)
I'll review as I go along. Really excited to see the changes xD
-I think the first response to seeing needles would be to question the person's intentions with them rather than asking about your friend.
-I'm still not sold with the big paragraph of thoughts, I think it takes away at the suspense and tension of what Alex is going to do. I think you should condense it. Plus the thing about conquering the world is believable to me especially in fiction, anything can happen.
- BETTER BETTER! THE EMOTIONS. THE PANIC. THE DESPERATION TO FIND HER SISTER! I FEEL IT! BETTER! WELL DONE! (Sorry it's in caps just had to convey my happiness, proud of ya
- I think Natalie shouldn't tell her which room, Kayla should use her hearing to know. Here's my suggestion:
“Where are you? Which room?” I asked, the desperation clear in my voice.
“Kayla! Kayla help me!” she repeated. I couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. The sound was like church bells ringing in my ear. Then my eyes darted to the door at the end of the hallway. It was black and a crimson pool leaked from underneath it. My heart quicken at the thought that the blood belong to Natalie. I ran towards it.
It's not the best but you get the idea
- I love the mind games 'evil' Natalie is playing with Kayla, I didn't like it before but I've changed my mind. Would love to see more of this Kayla...
- Not a fan of this line: “Alright! What do you want? And don’t tell me you’re Natalie, because your not!”
- So Kayla has just woken up from the nightmare she just had. Wouldn't she be shaken by what she saw, sweat dripping from her brow, unable to breath?
- Still not a fan of this conversation afterwards, that Alex and Kayla have. As I said, in fiction anything can happen. So if he wants to take over the world he can it's not impossible. But I understand what you mean it's just the way you want around it. She should be questioning him about what just happened. Here's my suggestion.
"What did you do to me?" I demanded.
Alex smiled sinisterly. "I injected you with a serum that would convulse your brain to a psychotic madness and I must say, you performed beautifully." he laughed devilishly. "To be honest, I thought you'd betray your sister like others before you. But the saying is true. Blood is thicker than water." He said that with such detest, as if the words were revolting.
"I pity you," I said, his eyes grew dark as shot a glare at me. "your heart is so cold and dark that you shut out the light. You'll never be able to experience true love that me and Natalie have because you rip apart everything you touch. Maybe that's why your mother abandoned you!"
Alex grabbed a knife from his toolbox and put the tip against Natalie, I trembled in horror. "Speak out of turn again and I'll rip her throat open." Kayla didn't utter a word, she wasn't going to test his patience.
But that's just my idea.
Anyway overall great improvement! Well done
@RavenBlack,
Thank you. Can I bother you for another review of my edits that I did, again?
Yeah sure. Glad to help
Hello!
This freaked me out for a moment because I'm not too fond of needles either. I was like what the heck?
There are a lot of thoughts here that could be better presented within the main narrative. It's obvious Kayla has a lot of things on her mind, but I think it would be cool to show how confused she is. Like, "So many things aren't making sense, like how did Alex beat Neil? Alex is scrawny, and Neil is twice his size (i'm jumping in mid-story, so I don't what they are like).
I'm going to assume this is a slower scene in the story. This chapter felt a bit info-dump-y because we have all of Kayla's thoughts and how she's supposed to feel with little detail.
This is a perfect scene to pump in more details.
I particularly like the I felt so detached line, but I was waiting for some type of symbolism. Hold on, I'm about to use a cliche example—I felt so detached like a floating jellyfish in outer space (gosh, this was bad). Okay, that example would probably mess up the serious tone of the story, but you get the idea.
Suggestion: I heard her laugh cruelly.
I like these lines a lot but "sounded" sounds a bit awkward. Maybe use "vibrated?" Like, the noise vibrated off the walls and filled the hallway.
I think most people would say: Who are you?
Also, you need to use "you are" here. Your is for possession (EX: Are these your clothes?)
I got confused with the "and will die trying." Who means that? Will Alex stop at nothing to get it? Or will Rick protect it until his death?
I have never heard this used before. I guess she's baffled?
I'm sorry if this is a bit long, but I hope you don't mind. Anyway, Keep writing! This reads like a thriller. c:
Thank you for the review! I have edited my chapter, if you would like to give it another read.
.
Much better! I like the new details c:
Hey Raven Black here!
I'm a bit conflicted with this piece, it doesn't seem to work with me. But that's just my opinion.
I'll review this as I go along.
- Oh God, I hate needles! T_T I feel so nervous
- In my opinion ('Alex laughed, a hard, cold, spine chilling laugh.') this is too much description for a laugh. ('Alex laughed sinisterly) sounds better to me.
-If Alex is a psychopath why doesn't she sound afraid of him, she seems too calm.
-I don't think 'that' 'hell had Alex beaten him??' and 'face' should be in bold. I understand that its meant to be emphasized but i don't think that it should. It adds nothing to the scene. Or makes me curious or worried. 'Something to help me conquer the world' is perfect.
- There's a technique called show not tell and so far your telling me rather than showing. Don't worry a lot of writers struggle with this, even me. For example: You said that your character felt sick, show us through her actions and emotions. I suggest taking out: 'I felt sick, extremely sick.'
- (“You’re in the wrong room, dummy!”) this doesn't feel appropriate. The use of the word 'dummy' makes it seem like their joking around or nothing's wrong.
-The excessive uses of question marks after what isn't necessary, one is enough. Same with the exclamation marks.
- (“Very funny Natalie!” I called out, “now where are you, really?”) Again this isn't appropriate. Sounds like their playing a game.
- Throughout this scene there's a lot of inappropriate dialogue: (“Alright! What do you want? And don’t tell me your Natalie, because your not!”) if you want the reader to feel worried for your character or to make your character relatable the dialogue need to reflect this. Just think, if you were in her shoes would you say what she's said?
- (“You know,” I said, “I’ve had plenty of time to think. This whole “taking over the world” stuff is impossible. Nobody can take over the world.”) This seems too calm. He's a psychopath but she's talking to him like he's an acquaintance or friend. Plus this is fiction, anyone can take over the world.
Sorry for the harsh review
Keep Writing
Thank you for the review! In the dream scene, I was trying to have Natalie taunt Kayla. Do you have any ideas as to how I could make that work? I am open to corrections and suggestions.
. Thanks you again!
Sorry for late reply.
I was thinking that Kayla should seem frightened, she's in an area which is unknown to her, plus it looks gloomy and dark. Instead of making remarks like %u201CVery funny Natalie!%u201D I called out, %u201Cnow where are you, really?%u201D she should be cautious and distraught.
I understand the motives behind Natalie but the way it was written didn't express it well. If she's going to taunt her Natalie needs to have a serious, frightening, manipulative dialogue. Unless she's like the Joker who's mentally unstable and sees everything dark and evil as fun.
Those are my suggestions, hope it helps
Thank you! Can I let you know when I edit it to get your opinion?
Yeah sure, happy to help xD
I have edited it! If you would please read it again, I would love any suggestions or remarks. Thank you!
Is it on this one, or a different one?