z

Young Writers Society



My Messed Up Life

by Midnightmoon


                                                                           Chapter 2

                                                                               Alex and Rick.

I blinked, trying to clear the spots out from in front of my eyes, when suddenly my hands were free and I was able to sit up. There was a man standing at the foot of the bed. He was tall, at least six foot, black hair, green eyes, and looked to be in his early twenties. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Natalie sit up and rub her wrists. The man standing at the foot of her bed was shorter than the one standing at the foot of my bed, his hair was yellow, his face was rather pasty, and his eyes were dead. Absolutely no life in them. I had to grit my teeth to repress a shudder.

“You’re probably wondering where you are, and what is going on” The pasty faced man said with with a rasping voice.

“Nope, not at all. We get attacked by remote controlled mannequins and faint and wake up in strange places everyday” Natalie snapped, her voice gushing with sarcasm. I could have killed her. This was not the time to irritate people when we had no idea what was going on! Or what was going to happen to us.

“You have a sense of humor. that’s good. You might need it later on.” The man chortled.  Natalie glared at him.

“What, planning to keep us prisoner? Make us work? Makes us slaves?”

I thumped my head against my knees. My sister read to many books and sometimes she got a little too excited.

“Natalie, stop it,” I snapped at her. She turned her glare on me.

“It’s alright.” The man said. “The truth is, this is a lab dedicated to the research of the brain.” He said this with a straight face, betraying no emotion. Natalie and I were far from convinced. Had he really expected us to believe that!?After the way we had ended up here? Besides, this looked more like a hospital room and I saw absolutely nothing resembling a lab. They were most definitely lying.

“Oh, the hell it is!” Natalie spat.

“How about maybe telling us the truth? Or at least what you are planning to do with us.” I said. The man smiled at his companion.

“That’s great. The drug didn’t cloud they’re minds. They just might be the ones.”

“You said that the last time.” The black haired man grumbled.

My head was turning around and around. Drug? “The ones”? What in the world was going on here?

They turned back to us.

“My name is Alex.” The yellow haired man said.

“And my name is Rick.” The black haired man said. 

“You’re also probably wondering why we told you that. Sometimes the drug clouds peoples minds when they wake up. You simply would not believe the people who have woken up and believed that this is a lab.”

“What drug?” I asked, not sure I wanted the answer.

“After you’ve fainted, we inject you with a drug that tests how sharp you are. If you wake up and don’t believe what we just told you, and if you get through the tests, then you are the ones we’ve been looking for. If not, well, you didn’t have much of a life anyway.” Alex explained. Natalie and I both stared at him, not quite sure we had heard right. Then we looked at each other. Her confusion was just as obvious as mine. Drug? Tests? “...Not much of a life?” How sharp we are?

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455 Reviews

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Mon Jul 03, 2017 1:33 am
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Midnightmoon! Whatcha again for a review :)

Okay, so first of all, this is a really great plot.
I'll go through this, point by point. Most of my stuff is nit picky, so you don't need to worry your story sucks or anything.
''I blinked, trying to clear the spots out from in front of my eyes, when suddenly my hands were free and I was able to sit up'', could turn into ''I blinked, trying to clear the spots out from in front of my eyes, when I suddenly realized my hands were free and I was able to sit up''. That just sees to make a bit more sense, as you then say the man was sitting at the end of the bed.
One thing you didn't do most of the time was put a comma at the end of a quote, like: " 'I love cats,' she said."
You could also add more description of rooms and furniture.
Anyways, great plot and story! Keep writing! I love work!

~whatcha




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Thu May 11, 2017 12:33 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Midnightmoon. Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!

The writing itself wasn't that bad. It was easy to read and understand what was going on. However, there were some awkward sentences and grammar issues.

To be perfectly honest, though I haven't read the first chapter, this seemed fairly bland. There wasn't a lot of poignant emotion written in. Your descriptions also weren't powerful enough. They need to be stronger. Your characters are in an entirely new place, so they're going to be looking around, assessing their surroundings.

I found Natalie's reaction to being taken quite unrealistic. She should at least be frightened a little bit. Even the most fearless would be a little shaken up after being kidnapped and taken to some sort of hospital.

Overall, I found this lacking. It just needed more everything: more description, more emotion, more substance. The chapter was also pretty short, and it cut off in a less than ideal place. Make sure to add more urgency, I wasn't sucked into the story, but adding urgency and emotional stakes will invest readers very quickly. Sorry, this review was so short, but the chapter was pretty short also.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have in a reply or in a pm.

~Storm




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Thu May 11, 2017 9:51 am
DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm here to review this fascinating piece today.

So, first of all, I read the previous chapter as well as this one so I wouldn't miss anything. From what I've seen so far, you've began to build an interesting world. The killer mannequin from the last chapter was both chilling and nearly amusing due to the ridiculousness of the situation. That's an interesting combo. The brand was also mystifying. What will it mean?!

In this chapter you continue introducing how things are in this world, without giving away too much. The main characters are being tested for some reason and might be "the ones". Many aspects here match up with those of classic fantasy, but you have added and mixed in plenty of other elements so that it's still its own thing. I also like how you've used formatting. The bolding and italics are a great way to show your character's tone and emotion. Plot wise, I'm curious as to where the story will go and would be interested to reading the next chapters should you post them.

For critiques, There are a few grammatical errors that can be fixed with a quick proofreading, and I think the formatting in this part:

The man chortled.

“You have a sense of humor. that’s good. You might need it later on.” Natalie glared at him.

“What, planning to keep us prisoner? Make us work? Makes us slaves?”


could be rearranged to read like this:

The man chortled. “You have a sense of humor. that’s good. You might need it later on.”

Natalie glared at him. “What, planning to keep us prisoner? Make us work? Makes us slaves?


If you keep the dialogue and actions of the same person together it can help things be more clear. I was a bit confused during the first reading of who was talking.

Great job with this. You're still fairly early on in the story, but you've managed to craft a unique world and keep the reader engaged. I hope this was of help (:





don't try me bro
— Seirre