It's edited, I've tried to add more emotion, but it didn't go to well, so I'm still trying to fix that, sorry. I also changed the beginning and added a little more to the end. I'm sorry if it's still rough, though.
The Person Watching Me
I see those eyes,
Those eyes behind the trees.
The ones that watch me, when you don’t think I’m looking.
But I am.
You hide behind the trees, and just stare.
I just try to act normal. It’s nothing too bad, right?
Wrong.
You want to find my every weakness.
I know that now.
To find the secrets of my life and bury them in the darkness.
I’m all alone and I can still feel your eyes,
See your eyes
And our broken past.
The past that you decided to hide in the darkness as well.
I see those eyes
I see that face
With the broken past.
I see you,
Watching me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
It was ok. Just ok. It was like a read this somewhere before. I don't know. I'm just talking outside of my neck. Keep writing.
Ah! This is most excellent!
I like the subtle hinting of the dark past, and the way both your character and the character of the one that watches really shines. It's really interesting, and well-edited!
~Nightfall
LOL I thought tht was great!! u and my freind kirsten would rlly get along!!
Thanks! That gave me happiness in this day that isn't the best .Still trying to make it better though.
Awww. That last part made it all clear. That was sad. -.- Nice job!
This was really good.....
I liked it.
Hmmm this is a sucky review but yeah.
I dont have any suggestions.
Shanan-cat - At least your honest.
I'll try and fix (and maybe rewrite) this in ELT today.
Thanx.
Hmm... it's pretty good.
Well, everyone beat me to all the technical stuff, although you might want to put a few commas in "I see those eyes
I see that face
With the broken past.
I see you,
Watching me."
Other than that, and what everyone else said, it's still pretty good.
I didn't really like it because it didn't really have much point to it... I'm really sorry.
The end wasn't very good, no offence, and the fact that all you're talking about is some person watching you and all you're doing is watching back. No offence but it's not really original and it kind of has no good point to it.
Maybe you should rethink redoing it, you know?
I liked it but it had no feeling to me, sorry!
shanan-cat!
Here, I think you can completely nix the fourth line and separate the third into two. I like how you expand on each line, but the part after the comma in the third line loses it a little because you’re talking in first person as if to yourself, then all of a sudden it’s “you”. Perhaps something like “when half lidded in fatigue”? Something that’s a bit poetic but still in keeping with your solid style.
One: “your” should be “you’re” here. Two: I think this line would be much better if it were shorter; perhaps merely “watching me” the shorter end here would make it stronger, more memorable.
The whole centre of your poem is weak. It’s all telling and vague telling at that. What do the eyes look like, do they smile at her, and can she see them slide across the room as she does? Perhaps he moved closer one time, perhaps she wanted him to. It’s all about subtle tales hidden in the words. I think this could be brilliant, it certainly has the base for it. The idea and your style work well together.
If you do some work on it, please pm me, I’d like to see. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I liked this ok, although it didnt really move me.
The reptition of 'eyes' is good to begin with, but it gets a little jarring after a while:
Maybe changing this stansa a little could really bring it to life.
The middle is good, the line at the end is quite effective
Hope that helps,
Eimear