Young Writers Society

MidnightVampire wrote: Major work needs to be done. I also have an account on YWU so I didn't plagarize it,
I'm the same person...just to let you know. Feel free to rip it to shreds/
EDIT: New title! Though I'm still open to new ones. Edited February 22, 2009.
The Promise

Teardrops fall with the rain,
The wind raged on,
drowning out the sorrows, the cries,
the screams to bring him back.
Even though they're gone.

The trees were always there,
A silent warning, an unspoken law
It was a rule I kept to:
Don’t pass,
And there won’t be an issue.

Even when I met you,
We always kept the promises
That we were forced to make.
I never passed the line.
That kept you from me,
And me from you.

When our parents weren’t looking,
We’d climb them and talk.
“We’ll be together someday,”
You promised,
“When the trees are gone.”

As the weather grew worse,
So did the feud
Between our families.
“They’ll calm down someday.”
You said,
“The trees can’t live forever.”

A terrible storm hit that night,
And all the trees were gone,
But so were you.

The trees always divided us,
A sacred line not to pass.
But what separates us now?
Now that they’re gone?
Now that you’re gone?

Does it matter what you promised,
Now that you’re dead?

The trees used to separate us,
But now,
I do believe,
It’s the clouds.

I like the new title, Midnight Vampire. And I really like this poem altogether. I read the version you had before you edit it, and now that it is edited, there is really nothing to critique. I actually like how there is one stanza with only two lines, because it shows that you wanted emphasis on those lines. It's very sad, but great. It's just a lovely poem.

Hey there Midnight (: I really enjoyed this poem, I love the Romeo and Juliet theme. Now, onto the poem:-

Teardrops fall with the rain,
I like thiks as a first sentence, it drags us into your poem and makes us want to read on. Furthermore it sets the scene well without being overly descriptive. Good. The meaning of it is a bit ambiguous, are the teardrops the rain, or is someone crying at the same time as the rain.

The wind raged on,

drowning out the sorrows, the cries,

the screams to bring him back.

Even though they're gone.



The trees were always there,

A silent warning, an unspoken law

It was a rule I kept to:

Don’t pass,

And there won’t be an issue. I like this



Even when I met you,

We always kept the promises

That we were forced to make.

I never passed the line.

That kept you from me,

And me from you.



When our parents weren’t looking,

We’d climb them and talk. What is them? Is it the line? Perhaps it is in form of a physical thing, therefore they can climb it, as in an actual boundary? To me it sounded more like a mental/ emotional boundary though.

“We’ll be together someday,”

You promised,

“When the trees are gone.” I love the last line in this stanza, it's wonderful.



As the weather grew worse,

So did the feud

Between our families.

“They’ll calm down someday.”

You said,

“The trees can’t live forever.” Again, the last line in the stanza is wonderful.



A terrible storm hit that night,

And all the trees were gone,

But so were you.



The trees always divided us,

A sacred line not to pass.

But what separates us now?

Now that they’re gone?

Now that you’re gone?



Does it matter what you promised,

Now that you’re dead?



The trees used to separate us,

But now,

I do believe,

It’s the clouds. Wonderful ending.

I don't have much time, but I'll do a (very) quick draft of my opinions:

I liked this poem. It had a number of themes: the Romeo/ Juliet theme, that of forbidden love, a hurricane/ natural disaster, I don't know too much about these because I live in the UK, and nothing of the sort ever happens here. I love some of the descriptions in this poem, definitely worth reading Keep writing more poetry.

~Kirsten x

Hey guys! Thanks for the advice.(oh, and welcome to YWS word [if you don't mind me calling you that of course. : )
I'm still struggling for a title, so I'm still open to titles (and I always will be, probably).
Thanks once more.
~MV

I love this. It really reminds me of Katie with the last line, and how she is separated from her best friend (you know?). I like the title that you chose, I remember that you were having trouble with it, it fits perfectly. From English I remember something though in your poem and it's bothering me. You have stanzas that are different lengths and it is driving me crazy. Ms. Kisiki was very demanding that our stanzas stayed the same length. At least I think that is what she said. Hm. LOL. oops wasn't supposed to talk to you like that, haha. Um, I think that it is appropriate that this piece really has no rhyme scheme, it would make it to formal and i think that it would be unnecessary. Ahhh, really good.

Trees of Promise

The trees were always there,
A silent warning, an unspoken law
It was a rule I kept to:
Don’t pass,
And there won’t be an issue.

That kept you from me,
And me from you.

“We’ll be together someday,”
You promised,
“When the trees are gone.”

But so were you.

Now that they’re gone?
Now that you’re gone?

Does it matter what you promised,
Now that you’re dead?

The trees used to separate us,
But now,
I do believe,
It’s the clouds [s]this time[/s]

Very nice , although I have a feeling that in the first stanza it should be screams not screems? Also the last line of stanza one, “The trees are gone.” Doesn’t seem to fit for me, it may just be a personal thing. Other than that I really enjoyed it, I also found a sense of Romeo and Juliet in it. Finally I would suggest a different title from “The trees of promise,” throughout the poem I felt that the trees referenced the parents not the lovers, therefore the promise was not made by the trees, just a suggestion. Anyhow, good job, it was very enjoyable .

The trees were always there,
A silent warning not to pass.
It was a rule I kept to:
Don’t pass, The repitition of 'pass' bothers me. Synonyms, perhaps?
And there won’t be an issue.

Even when I met you,
We always kept the promises
That we were forced to make.
I never passed the line.
That kept you from me,
And me from you.

Cool.

When our parents weren’t looking,
We’d climb them and talk.
“We’ll be together someday,”
You promised,
“When the trees are gone.”

Love the last line.

As the weather grew worse, Weather? Kind of random, don't you think? It came from nowhere.
So did the feud
Between our families.
“They’ll calm down someday.”
You say, Earlier you did 'promised' in past tense. Stick with one tense, or majorly confuse your readers.
“The trees can’t live forever.”

I like it, but I still don't get what the trees have to do with anything. Is there some symbolism going on that I'm just missing?

A terrible storm hit that night, Weather. Ah. Got it.
And all the trees were gone,
But so were you.

The trees always divided us,
A sacred line not to pass.
But what separates us now?
Now that they’re gone?
Now that you’re gone?

This is my favorite stanza so far.

Does it matter what you said,
Now that you’re dead?

The rhyming here is distracting, since its the only rhyming in the whole poem. Don't rhyme it, please. I beg of you.

The trees used to separate us,
But now,
I do believe,
It’s the clouds this time.

Holy guacamole! I love the ending!

So, I liked this a lot. I'm getting died in a storm (hurricane?) vibes. Am I right? Either way, you should probably mention 'wind picking up speed' or 'a teardrop falling like rain' earlier in the poem so that the 'weather' line isn't quite so sudden. Since the storm is obviously important, add it to the beginning. The first line, even, if you can.

And, I'm not sure about the title. Maybe, instead, 'The Trees are Gone' or something? I don't know, I fail epically at titles. But 'Trees' doesn't quite cover it for me.

PM if you have any questions. I liked it a lot!

~Evi

Hey!
I love this.
It sort of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet!
I think the line "So did the feud

Between our families."
Did that for me!

I really like it!

I think the title can remain the same, but maybe title it like, "The Tree of Promise"?