I haven't written poetry in a while. This is sorta a rewrite of another of my poems
that I wrote for NaPoWriMo (which I failed horribly at). I'll provide the swords if you'll
promise to rip it to shreds.
Seriously, don't hesitate to be mean about this
one, it needs some major work. Edit: I edited it January 4, 2009. I'm still having a little problem with the advertised thing and repeating myself.
~~
Garage Sale of Memories
Garage sale!
Get things while they're cheap
The sign was old and faded,
Just like what it advertised
Follow the road to an old house,
and look at what's left
A golden teddy bear,
Repaired over and over,
Price: $1,000
A picture, worn and faded
of a little boy
and his grandfather
sailing.
Price:$889.95
A blanket,
colors faded,
and holes taking over
Price:$1,220
"Why such high prices for all this junk?' they ask.
"That's not junk,"
The man replies.
"They're memories."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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If I could give you an A plus I would—I just loved this piece! I almost think it should be longer…
Hm, I don’t know, just a thought. It may give the readers more sense of where they are if you added a little hint of imagery here and there, oh god I sound like my English teacher…sorry.
Anyway, I loved it…seriously no sword needed to rip his piece to shreds.
I don't believe it needs much fixing,
I like the idea, and i may steal it for a story, if you don't mind that is.
the idea that memeories are much more expensive than we usually give them credit for is an interesting view,
you know someone with alzheimers? or other memory problems?
i reall enjoyed hte poem, it was... almost sad, it had very tired feel to it, as you will see with old age,
if you have any idea what i''m tlaking about, well, great, if not, oh well,
gold star.
Peace,
God
Thanks guys! I'll have to fix this tonight. I would right now, but I'm trying to review some poems (and then I noticed people had critiqued it). Pm me if you want anything reviewed (critiqued).
~MV
I reall like this
Pretty much the only problem I have with this stanza is the last line. You make a great rhyme up to that point, and then kapush.. rhyme out the window. Maybe use the word dated to describe the memories?
This rest of it is free verse, and you pull of the transition between the two types of poetry pretty well.
I rate this poem 87l100
That was a really good message you sent out there; that memories are priceless.
But other than that, it was good.
Oh goodness! I love this. (And I think it's fine here.) Really, your idea and your words and everything are great! It's awesome. So I'm sorry, but I only have some nitpicks for you:
Anyway, just read it again and see what you think.
PM me if you need anything.
Quote: and holes taking its place
Taking what's place? The blanket's? That's odd. Or the colors' place? Then 'its' should be 'their'. I suggest, instead, and holes taking over. That conveys the same message, but a bit more smoothly.
Quote: "Why such high prices for all this junk?' You ask.
Hum...second-person sounds a little strange here. I think it's partly because it's not using "you" as a collective, "everyone else" sort of you, but a specific person kind of you, just like one might say he or she. Does that make sense?
And the only other thing I noticed was that you used the word memories a lot. I get that that's the point of the poem, but I also think it would be stronger if you held onto that word and then used it just in your line at the end, and then it's like, bam! Memories. Reflections, remembrance, recall, retrospection, those are all synonyms for the most part. Just think about it
Again, good job. I look forward to seeing the slightly edited version?