Prologue
March 13 2079. A soldier stared out over the land that would be a battlefield. Mountains rimmed the horizon like massive walls reminding all that there was no escaping. The soldier watched from the edges, patiently, in silence, as the two massive armies stared each other down. Just a little longer, he thought to himself. In-between the two armies was a river flowing slowly though the middle of the valley, almost like the earth knew that this battle would happen, and drew a line dividing the two adversaries. to his right there was a forest going out to the edges of the mountains. However they stopped just after the foot hills. It seemed like the mountains were unreachable by anything, even life and from there frozen heights gazed down upon the armies in their silent defiance.
He waited, and for that moment so did the world. No one moved. it was misleading, almost peaceful. The first cannon was fired, battle cries rang out, and men charged to their ultimate if not instantaneous doom. With that the solider turned and, like a ghost, he was gone.
Walking away from the first of many conflicts, his eyes stayed locked on one place. There stood a mountain, one of many in the Andes chain. At the base of this stood a rather large foothill with a massive rock jutting out from the massive forest upon it.
He began his trek up the hill. Though it was steep and treacherous, he pressed onward. His eye's blazed with a subtle rebellion, never looking back.
When he arrived at his destination, the soldier was met by the sight of his associate staring out onto the fight below. The man stood there like a tree in a vicious storm, his coat flickering like a flame. But he never moved an inch, even in the harshest of winds, Acknowledging the soldiers approach. The man glanced out of the corner of his sharp eyes.
“Well, Shafer?” the man inquired.
The solider stood still, looking out over the battlefield. Content for that moment to make the man wait. from now on he could make no mistakes. Everything had to be executed, with no margin for failure. This made the situation truly terrifying.
“Shafer, I understand your need to think, even if only to distract yourself; however, we need to start the project. Are you ready? We don't have much time.” The man said in a tone commanding attention. However he did not raise his voice, he spoke only just above a whisper. Shafer sighed. He pulled his hand though his hair then muttered,
“Why even ask? We have been planing this for thirteen years, and it is about time it started.” The man who still had yet to move shook his head. It was a subtle movement like everything he did.
“You’re right. its time we got a move on.” He muttered. After that, nothing was said. They watched the battle for awhile then left, both thinking the same thing. I wish we never found them; Those hidden Spires.
(Note: I will not be posting the full story.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Not posting the rest? That's a shame.
To begin, you've got a fine lead on the plot. We're already getting a feel for the larger forces at play, without any bogging-down of the story. There's not much else to say about it; after all, it's a prologue.
So, stylistically, you're on a nice pace. While readers like me like a bit more description, you do fine carrying the plot with dialogue and action. The grey tone was brought out excellently by descriptions like "like a ghost," "harshest of winds," and even "muttered." But I did find a few places to advise on:
Aside from capitalizing the t in To, I'd like a bit more effort in description. Landscape views usually require powerful descriptive techniques to encapsulate scenery in as few words as possible. I'd suggest personification, imagery, or simile.
The descriptions here feel repetitive. I don't see why you'd need to mention so many times that things were "big." Try picking a different adjective for the forest.
This feels like it gives the wrong impression. Usually, flickering, in the context of flame, refers to a weak motion of the light. Maybe you could elaborate to say that it flickered like tongues of flame? It's more of a receptive opinion, but it's worth considering.
Slightly redundant.
The characters here have a grim sense of reality, and that easily outlines their predicament. It's interesting to see from such a powerful perspective. Their dialogue brings out their internal struggle, and the looming idea of "Spires."
Overall, it's an excellent start. While I do think descriptions could be touched up a little, the rest was spot-on, and enjoyable to the last word. A truly in-Spire-d piece of work. Cheers!
-Chaser
Thank you.
Well, I must say this is a great beginning to your story, MicoSoul.
You didn't give too much information away, but just enough to keep the readers interested and ensured than they were encouraged to read on. I think one of your strong qualities as a writer is you write your story quick and to the point, but you give enough detail to continue the story without creating confusion in your readers.
Before I continue, I did notice one spelling mistake, which I'm sure you would wish to correct:
After the line: "Well, Shafer?" The man inquired. The next paragraph, at the beginning, "soldier" was spelt "solider". Other than that, it was well-edited.
It's almost a shame that you will not be posting the full story, my friend, as this is a good story and I bet the readers would rather enjoy the parts you leave out. But, it's your decision, of course.
Wonderful beginning to the story! Hope you will be uploading some more chapters, my friend!
MissLyricz x
I will post some more of this story I just do not wish to post the full one here. Thank you for the feedback and you can look forward to at least 4 more posts.
You're welcome!
Fair enough, my friend, but I sincerely look forward to the next few parts all the same! x