Something I wrote earlier today.
Thoughts?
Depression,
The cold metallic feeling in your tongue,
The lonely swing, all alone in the rain.
The feeling that you've been shrunken short,
Your blurred vision, from your endless tears.
You're screaming on the inside,
Your sadness suddenly tinge red.
Rage overcomes you: murderous and powerful.
Then, all of your sadness and pain come crashing down.
Like the soggy, uncaring rain.
Battering and pushing you down.
You try to find your inner calm.
But you can't:
You can't find that warm, comforting feeling.
Instead, you feel a sharp pain at your chest, threatening to resurface.
Like glass; smooth, delicate and fine. But truly dangerous.
The glass threatens to cut through you.
You long for the cool, fresh wind on your face.
To rid of all your misery.
Instead, you find your salty tears.
You anticipate for a new dawn, a new beginning.
But instead, you get the scorching, burning pain instead.
You feel as though all off hell's army have targeted you and brought out their best weapon:
Depression
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I really like this poem. The description and imagery are amazing and the last line sums it up really werl. Keep Writing!
You feel as though all OF h****'s......
To rid ALL OF your misery, not to rid of all your misery......
Shrunken short is a little repetative
Really great poem; can't wait to read your next!
Good afternoon, poet.
I didn't quite like this. What you have here is nothing more than a carbon-copy of every other 14-year-old's poems, all smashed into one with some recycled images. If you're going to write about depression, darling, then I suggest you rethink your descriptions. Consider the power of actually describing the life of a girl suffering depression. What made her depressed? Could we put her in new environments while she lacerates her skin? See, it's a subject that can pack power, that depression, but the way it's executed these days, it may as well be Barney the Dinosaur.
Now, given the way this is written, I'm sure you have potential--you've shown me that; however, I want to see more, and by that I mean fewer disappointing things: less razor and more edge, if you would.
-Karma
Hey,
Well, the first thing I have to say is that I really like this. You can tell that you put real effort into writing it. Being a survivor of depression (I say survivor because three of my friends died of suicide) myself I can honestly say that you hit the nail on the head with this poem. Depression is a big topic to write about and you did it well. Actually you're the only writer, besides myself, that I know can write about it without sounding like they have no clue what they're doing. So, congrats on being the first one to hit the nail on the head with this topic.
ShadowPrincess16
Hey,
Well, the first thing I have to say is that I really like this. You can tell that you put real effort into writing it. Being a survivor of depression (I say survivor because three of my friends died of suicide) myself I can honestly say that you hit the nail on the head with this poem. Depression is a big topic to write about and you did it well. Actually you're the only writer, besides myself, that I know can write about it without sounding like they have no clue what they're doing. So, congrats on being the first one to hit the nail on the head with this topic.
ShadowPrincess16
Oooh this is good
But this is good, perfect; simple yet powerful... "And then tinged red," or whatever you put 
And I'm sure that this can describe a lot of people. Including me, sometimes...
Xxx
I can't even see one cliche thing in here, and I really hate cliche'!
I can't really think of anything else to say - you're obviously more articulate than me!
Just one thing - maybe you should have cut your last stanza into three
But that's all the critisism I have! You have talent
This is very impressive! Your poem is very simple and yet it is expressive.......Man! I think you must have been on a roller coaster of emotions;) You write very well. I would love to read more of your work.
This is a really great poem! You really took the emotion and drew it out and explored all the feelings that go along with it.
I do agree though, that you should explain more - why the character is feeling this way, how others perceive her, how it affects the character in everyday life... you gave amazing detail with the the internal side of things, but i think it'd be great if you deepened the external aspect.
Whatever you decide to do - it was terriffic!!
Keep writing!
-PurpleHeart
Hi,
So, this was an interesting poem. You deal with a serious subject here, and you take it as such; yo knew what you were writing about here. There was definite effort put into this, and considering that you write about a feeling that I and so many others can relate to, I feel like I should be emotionally involved by the end. But I'm not. There are many types of depression, and they all have you feeling slightly differently. You don't really seem to strike a chord with anything specific.
This may be just me, but I've noticed that when reading literature and watching movies that I tend to get emotionally involved if the experiences of someone else reflect my own because I know that there is someone out there, real or not, that could feel the same way as me and that the emotions I'm experiencing are real and human since they are being reflected in a certain character. So I would try to make this more into a story. You don't have to say what caused the depression, but I would definitely include how it affects them not only internally but also externally; for example, how they react to other people when going about their daily lives.
You seem to have a good sense of imagery and know how to make things flow, although there are a few lines that are clunky towards the end, but I don't think that's really much of a problem. You have a good poem here, but just needs a little more substance.
Hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to PM me with any questions you may have.
~ Elinor