Ice

by MiRaCLeS

Published July 6, 2011

In Poetry

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Spoiler! :
This seemed a bit short to me. Although I'm not sure how to continue it. Please tell me your thoughts on it. Critiques are also more than welcome. :)


A silent teardrop shed;
A consequence of those hating words,
You will never understand,
The whirlpool of hurt that followed.

Or the direction my heart went.
But I'll tell you,
My heart took a worse turn
And plunged into icy hibernation.

Numb, forever-frozen and unloving.

The heart solidified.
A frostbitten icicle, it was.
I knew not whether it will heal.
Or whether it'll see spring's bloom again.

But whatever path lies ahead,
For now, the heart
Is a winter wasteland.
Not a winter wonderland.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
MamaLama95
Review
MamaLama95 wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2011

You overuse the word 'frozen' in some of the stanzas, but if you found good enough substitutes, then this poem would be fantastic. You've got quite a good grasp of the theme and you can feel the pain and retribution in it. Another nitpick, I think that in the first stanza, it feels a little like you're trying to grasp a rhyme scheme but you don't quite get there - that could just be me, but you might want to take another look at it.
Keep writing.

User avatar
artemis15sc
Review
artemis15sc wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2011

It's not really a matter of being short, so much as whether or not it said everything you wanted to say. It felt complete to me as a reader, but it's up to you as a writer.
I agree with the above suggestion, so I won't comment there.

Now that that's over with, I really like it. I was going to quote the lines I liked, but I ended up liking too many of them.
I felt like the last stanza didn't fit into the flow of the poem all that well. It just seemed to have a slightly different feel to it. I got just a little disengaged from the exquisite emotion you were portraying, (I really liked the message you sent in it though).

If you feel it needs tweaking, I would suggest you start there. If you don't think it needs tweaking, then don't change it, because you probably ruin the brilliance of it.

Overall though, a spectacular poem. This is the first work I've read on this site, so it's a great first impression.

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2011

I liked it! It was short but well descriptive. I could see the sad, frozen, broken heart.

I just have to ask: can you use colors? That always puts a vivid image in my head.

Other than that, nice poem. You should make more! ;)

-Ariel.



The world is your oyster. Well, it’s my oyster, but you can have some of it.
— Feltrix