The sun had barely poked its sleepy head over the horizon when Ash pulled herself from deep sleep. For a long while she kept her eyes close, listening to the world around her come alive. Birds chirped merry tunes, horses whinnied, children giggled and laughed as they ran through the street doing who-knows-what. Warm rays of sun pierced through the blinds over the window, warming Ash’s face. She wished she could stay here for a while, snug under her blanket, warm and content. But that illusion was burst when she heard her dad stomping up the stairs. He knocked quietly on the door.
Ash smiled internally. Over the years she’d grown accustomed to this routine of her father coming up the stairs, sounding like a stampede of horses, and then lightly tapping on the door, as if trying not to arouse Ash in a loud manner. It had long become apparent he was not gifted much in the way of quiet walking. Ash shoved the blanket off of her body and dragged herself out of bed, still feeling the remains of the hard ride the past few days. It made her all the more excited for the break from work she had coming up.
Once standing she mumbled something resembling to “I’m awake,” and she heard her father thunder back down the stairs. She got dressed at a leisurely pace, not rushing around like often happened when she was on the road and on a time table to deliver a message or package. Ash tied her hair in a ponytail and changed from her nightgown into a tan riding skirt and a white blouse. She slipped on her mother’s bracelet and necklace, and then proceeded out of the room.
Down in the kitchen she met her father who was making a breakfast of eggs and ham. On the table beside a steaming cup of coffee was a small white envelope sealed by a red stamp that was all too familiar looking to Ash.
“That arrived for you a few minute ago,” her dad said, nodding towards the note.
Ash gave a loud sigh and sat down in her chair.
Her dad smiled encouragingly. “Hey, it’s close to the border so you should be back in a few days. Three at the most with how fast you ride.”
Ash broke the seal and out slipped the small note.
“I’ll pack you some food while you eat,” her dad said, leaving.
Ash mumbled “thanks,” and read the note. To her surprise it was not from her boss, but rather from a military officer she’d heard about.
Take the enclosed package to General Fulling at the Big Cat Border Station with all speed. Payment upon arrival.
General Sewell
Ash folded the note and headed back to her room, pulling out a brown travel bag. She loaded it with two changes of clothes, her pistol, and a knife. When she went down to the kitchen she loaded two water canteens and a few simple cooking utensils as well as a few coins. When she was finished she wolfed down the breakfast her dad had prepared. Her dad came in just as she was finishing.
“You all set? I got everything else ready. The package is already secured to your saddle.”
“What is it?” Ash asked, taking a swig of water. “It’s for a general.”
“Yeah. It looks like some sort of radio transmitter. Kind of old looking. I thought that with the recent rebuilding of some of the electronic towers they could start using phones again.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“It’s near the border so it might be out of reach of the towers. Anyway, I better get going. I want to get back as fast as I can.” Ash said, standing. “My employer said that after this week he’d give me a week of break. Apparently he’s got plenty of couriers right now. Guess he just wants to save some money if he can.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, not every courier is a good courier. We have some idiots in the group who goof off and take forever to do their jobs. They arrive late and return late. They can’t really ask for more then what they get. They’re lucky they have a job.”
“It’ll be good to have you back around the place for a few days!” Ash’s dad said, a smile breaking across his face. “It’s been over a year since we spent more than a few days together without you doing some job.”
“I know,” Ash said, as she walked to the door, she opened it, letting sunlight pour in. Just as she was about to leave she said quietly, “I just wish you had some time off.”
Her dad caught her arm. “Hey, don’t talk so sad. It’s not as if I have a terrible job. Things are going to get better.” He held up a finger before Ash could protest. “And I’m not just saying that. The way things look, the committee is going to vote one way or another about how they feel. If people want to, they’ll be able to cross the border. They won’t be allowed to come back, but hey, at least some families will be reunited.”
“It’s just that you looked so stressed, Dad. You look really tired, and people keep getting angry at you. I’m afraid … they might do something crazy.” Ash stepped outside where Fury was waiting patiently cropping some grass. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
She gave her dad a hug, and then pulled herself into the saddle. She turned to go and her dad said, “Now you ride carefully. Don’t ride so fast you fall off. We’ve already had that happen before and I don’t want to risk losing you on account of you trying to get back to help me.”
Ash nodded and led Fury out of the yard onto the street which was now being traversed by the townsfolk. Candles were being blown out and fires started. The few street lights flickered off as Ash left the small town behind, nervous for her dad.
Within the hour she had shrugged it out of her mind, knowing that there was very little she could do. As she took a drink of her canteen she checked once more to make sure the package was secure. The last thing she needed was to lose something on her last job. She didn’t want to have to work for a break this close to receiving one. Her boss just might take Ash’s break away as punishment if she didn’t deliver the package.
~~~
A day and a half later Ash and Fury trotted into Big Cat Station. It was a grim and dingy place. An abandoned and run down gas station served as the Headquarters. A yellow and blue sign that was faded beyond repair swung carelessly off one of the corners, and several brownish tents were set up around the building. They were small in size, and looked more like the type that you would use on a campaign, then that of a permanent base. It was then that Ash saw two blackened skeletal frames of what looked like barracks. “So that’s why they have tents,” Ash muttered. “And we let these people protect our borders.” She rolled her eyes.
In the very near background Ash saw the wall several hundred feet beyond the tents, barbed-wired and solemn-looking. It wasn’t the first time she had seen it, but it did make her sit back and think if this was really as necessary as she believed. It looked too cruel, like the people on the other side were the enemy. They were, in a way. Ash shrugged it away with a groan. “I’ve got a job to do.”
She slid down from her saddle. She took off her gloves and grabbed the package for delivery. A few soldiers milling around, dressed in drab green uniforms, armed with big rifles, eyed her lazily, but paid her no real mind. A few were smoking cigarettes or reading worn books, but for the most part they looked bored to the point of exasperation. None of them looked happy in the least place. Ash didn’t blame them, working out here. She knew that in a few months when it got cold, this place would be miserable.
She entered the old station and snagged the attention of a young female officer. Ash stood tall, and spoke in a loud clear voice. “Ma’am, where can I find General Fulling?”
The woman barely glanced at her. “He’s in the back,” she said, nodding towards what probably used to be a storage area.
“Thank you,” Ash said, and slipped by filing cabinets and a counter littered with guns, oily rags, bullet casings, and other paraphernalia. Ash pushed open the creaky, cold gray door. Inside, at a desk much too small for him, sat whom Ash presumed was General Fulling. He had broad shoulders, a heavy build, and with a gun belt on, he looked like some guy out of a comic book. Ash surveyed the rest of the room carefully. The walls were boring white with random colored splotches on it. The floor was a checkered gray, covered in stains and dirt. Ash inhaled sharply. She hated dirt on floors.
She re-straightened her shirt and hair, and stepped forward. The general looked up and his face revealed a tired man who had quite possibly not slept in a week. He was about to dismiss her, Ash could tell, until he saw the package. His eyes flitted over it and then shot back to it. He pulled himself up in his chair.
“Good evening miss, what can I do for you?” he asked, folding his hands and resting them on his paper-covered metal desk.
“I have a package to deliver, courtesy of General Sewell of the State of Iowa,” Ash said, presenting the package with both hands.
The general smiled and scratched his two-or-more-day old stubble. “Ah, excellent! Thank you very much for bringing it with such haste!” He stood and approached Ash, reaching out to take the package.
“One moment sir,” Ash said, pulling a receipt from the binding of the package. “I need you to sign here, and also, if you wouldn’t mind,” she let out a short fake smile, “pay me?”
The general let out a bark of laughter. “Of course, of course!” He scrambled around to find a pen. Ash pulled one from her pocket and held it out. The general finally turned back around. He grinned, his face turning red. “Oh, thanks.”
The general wrote down his signature, and then went to a small cabinet in the right corner of the room. He pulled out a small, copper-colored chest, a few inches long and wide. Ash heard the unmistakable jingle of coins.
“There you are!” the general said, handing her the chest.
Ash took it, gave him the package, shook his hand, and then left as quickly as possible. Outside the sky was turning dark and stormy. Ash shivered. “What a dump!” she said. “And it’s going to rain.” She debated keeping her pride and riding away, or being smart and staying overnight. With a storm she could easily lose her way. She was sure she could find it again in the morning, but she would hate to get wet, more than to stay in this pitiful camp for one night.
Ash turned back and ended up asking for a room to stay. The general gave her a tiny tent outside. He rambled apologies about how a fire had wiped out their barracks. They had just cleaned up most of the wreckage and had yet to begin rebuilding. Ash shut most of it out and just made a quick supper by herself out of a pheasant she had shot earlier in the day. None of the soldiers seemed very cheerful or friendly, so it didn’t surprise her that none of them talked to her. The rain came just as she was finishing up. She left her cooking utensils outside and huddled up in her tent.
“This ought to be a fun night,” she said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Mess! Taken me a while, but I've finally made it here to review. It's a Friday afternoon and I'm actually being productive - who've thought? XD
I don't think there's all that much to critique on this chapter. So you'll probably get a fair bit of praise here and some really pedantic nit-picky stuff.
Okey-dokey. I think that between all the chapters so far (both yours and Biscuits') have shown the world-building at a steady pace. There hasn't been any info-dumping about what the world is like - everything has been revealed through dialogue and action with a bit of description. I don't quite feel like I'm solidly 100% about this world yet, but it's all on the right track. Definitely getting a feel for things, and since it's still early days and the chapters aren't massive, I think we're learning about the world at a good pace.
The bit where Ash is getting ready felt a bit stilted and 'tell'-y. It just had the 'she did this, then she did this, then she did this' feel to it, which stood out because the rest of the writing flows very well.
The last paragraph or two was a bit rushed, and I think it was just a case of the jump to summarising being a bit to sudden. I think there just needed to be a bit more meat to the conclusion of this chapter. Elsewhere, the pacing worked well, just was a bit iffy at the end, where I think you were trying to wrap things up quickly.
I really like Ash as a character. She seems normal in a way that's quite nice to read about, and I like that she's a logical character, rather than being the gung-ho, rushing into danger type. Even though they haven't interacted yet, there's a good contrast between her and Sam, which makes me keen to see how they interact when (or if, but I'm guessing they'll meet at some stage xp) they meet.
That's all from me. Please keep me posted, because I'm looking forward to reading more!
Thanks Tri! I was planning on working on those spots!! I will certainly let you know when the next chapter comes out!!
~Messy
Well something is definitely about to happen, or so it seems. Loved the chapter and am looking forward to the next. So is the border she is at a state or country border, because the story title makes it seem like it should be a country border, but I don't think Iowa is anywhere near Canada or Mexico. Which also makes it seem like every state is its own nation, independent and free from all other states. It also seemed odd you have her go horseback rather than in a car. I don't think you explained anything between now and the last chapter as for why cell phones are suddenly unavailable. That's a major plot detail you need to explain.
Anyway loved it and am looking forward to your next chapter
Well something is definitely about to happen, or so it seems. Loved the chapter and am looking forward to the next. So is the border she is at a state or country border, because the story title makes it seem like it should be a country border, but I don't think Iowa is anywhere near Canada or Mexico. Which also makes it seem like every state is its own nation, independent and free from all other states. It also seemed odd you have her go horseback rather than in a car. I don't think you explained anything between now and the last chapter as for why cell phones are suddenly unavailable. That's a major plot detail you need to explain.
Anyway loved it and am looking forward to your next chapter
Hey Mess! Night here for a short review.
Grammar/ nitpicks first:
A weird capitalization this in the beginning, and I felt that the sentence itself was a bit long and confusing. Perhaps rearrange it so that it's clearer?
Is ->it
Do you mean "borders"?
I think there should be a comma after "said".
This sentence also seemed choppy and confusing. I understood what you meant but it felt odd.
"Faced"->"face"
You've been doing this everywhere else, but you need a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of the period that's there now.
I think that the "p" should be capitalized, but I'm not sure. Perhaps look into that?
Yay boring stuff done, and most of it was typos I think. So as for this chapter itself: I think it's fine. I was kind of hoping for more adventure in this chapter after a slow beginning to Ash in the last chapter, but this one was, again, mostly background and daily motions. I think it was very well executed and I wouldn't change a thing, but I'd like to see more excitement soon. Hopefully the storm indicates that.
I love her relationship with her father. It's really sweet and I can connect to it well. I'm also very curious about the wall, and I'm very curious as to why it was put there, and why the soldiers are so badly prepared.
So overall, despite this being a slower chapter, I still think it was very well written and has still kept my interest. Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
Thanks night! There is a bunch of action coming the next few chapters so hooooold on!
Yayyy glad to hear it. ^-^