Teens, the word some of us go by
The youth of the world
here on earth to sludge through school,
just barely making it out of high school,
spending our weekends doing nothing
Well, maybe getting a job to make some money so we can buy a car
Sitting around while the world gets crazier and crazier
But it doesn’t concern us does it?
After all, we’re just teens!
Or are we something more?
Yes we are!
We were placed on earth for a purpose
We are the next generation
The generation that will decide our country’s future
Are we going to get to college, make it out,
Get married, have some kids,
Then die later on?
Is that all we are here for?
No we are not!
God put us here to glorify him
So I am calling all you teens,
No! You Men and Women of God
to stand up, and let’s start making this world a better place
Let’s pray that God will help us in our school,
pray that he will give us an unselfish heart
Give us an open heart,
because there is a world that is trapped in darkness,
needing a saviour, and we need to pray,
Yes! Pray!
Pray each day
Pray that our ambitions won’t get in the way
God gave us talents,
Use them! We have them for a purpose
Not for our own glory, but that we may use them for his kingdom
So I call you,
All of you!
Come with me,
And let’s stop sitting around
Let’s make the next generation a working,
morally strong,
smart and active,
God-driven world
I’m praying and holding out my hand
Will you take it?
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi there Messenger.
I'm trying to complete 400 reviews between now and Christmas and guess what? You are lucky number one.
I think I can kinda understand you purpose behind this poem but I feel you are really driving your message in the readers face. This piece really doesn't fall under the genre of poetry to be honest. You see there is a distinct difference between poetry and prose. Prose is meant to provide a message for the brain to consider and reflect on whereas poetry is about targeting straight to the heart.
To do that you need to build up imagery. Make connections between the ideas you are trying to communicate and feeling the reader can associate with. Your poem should be able building a negative or positive feeling through connotations, whether it be emotions of fear, anger, hatred, injustice, pity, empathy, or joy. (I love how only one of the things I listed was positive.)
I think for you to make your poem a poem you need to give it a massive makeover. Your message is brilliant all needs is some more suitable packaging.
Keep on writing,
Vicky/Veni
Hello! Here to review you.
But first off, let me link you to the topic that shows you how to format your poetry using YWS' new system of submission- How to format your poetry on YWS.
This poem is very... telly. You're not giving us any imagery the whole time, so how are we supposed to imagine the things you're explaining to us. You're merely telling us what's going on, how we're going to live our lives... And not very well either.
What does this line do for us, emotionally? Nothing. Because there's no emotion in the poem. It's a call to form ranks, but to form ranks for what? You say it's to make the world a better place, but why do we want to do that? How are we going to do that? This is almost a prose work with the simple language you use. In fact, if it wasn't formatted like a poem, I would think it was a poem at all. But even as a prose work, it wouldn't look right.
Because you give us nothing. If you would give us an emotional connection of some kind; a character or a feeling that flows through the poem, or even some kind of metaphor, this poem would achieve it's goal. But, because you didn't, it falls flat. Poems like this should be done delicately, so you don't sound like you're on your soap box preaching, but instead sound like you're weaving a beautiful call for other's like you.
If I were you, I'd take the whole poem, except for this line, and delete it. Start from scratch, with the conscious decision to make it a poem, not a sermon. There needs to be metaphorical images and an emotional connection of some kind. Take the poem, make a character. Tell the character's story, make it to where we want to help him or her by joining his or her cause. Make us believe that taking that hand is exactly what the world needs.
I'm not going to comment on the way you've written the poem, but it's odd. There's weird formatting and phrasing that just makes you stop and go 'what?'. Because of this odd phrasing, the poem ends up being very disjointed and all over the place for the most part. You're missing periods and commas. If you're going to leave the poem the way it is, you need to dissect it, and dissect it hard, to find the root problems in the way you've written it, because honestly, formatting (and I'm not talking about spacing), seems to be one of your problems. If you don't know how to format a poem, you can always ask me, (or I'm sure a poetry mod,) for help. I'm not the best, but I could give you some pointers. If you'd like to do it on your own, read it aloud. Pay attention to the way you phrase things, ignoring the conventions you have written down already. What words seem excessive? What words are missing? What conventions are in the wrong places or missing all together.
Once you do that, your poem will at least be cleaner. Then you need to work on the stuff on the inside. You have the bones, but you desperately need the meat.
-Spark
Hello my friend! Wow! This poem is beautiful!
Thank you for the encouragement! I love the emphasis on a change even we can make! I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes! It is truly encouraging to know that others are out there who wish to see a change in our generation! Praise the Lord! Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your writing!
Amen!! This really goes well with an essay I wrote recently. I totally agree with all of that. We are the next generation, we can truly change the future. God put us here to glorify him, not just lay around. Anyway, back to technical things. I'll forgive you for spacing, sonar you noticed and said something about it;) the beat was sometimes a little bit off, but other than that, great job!! Keep writing!! (Knowing you, I'm positive you will)
Lady Celestia, the Golden Knight
And it didn't give me the spacing!!! forget it.