Astorian Tales - Part 1

by Messenger

Published February 25, 2016

12+ Violence

In Astorian Tales

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The sleek black craft glided on the tumultuous waves, tossed to and fro, but never plunging beneath the writhing waters. The rain slapped against the ink black sails and mast of the boat. Though not visible through the thrashing water, wind, and rain, the cliffs of Dalen rose starkly to the heavens, somewhere up ahead. The boat’s captain fought against the wheel, keeping a steady, oblique course towards the shore, as his crew scurried about, keeping ropes tied and sails taut.

Below deck, amid the heaving and rolling, a man tied a waterproof bundle. He had stripped down to his trousers. He pulled the cinch tight on his equipment, strapped it to his back with a leather belt, then headed to the deck, steadying himself with his arms. The freezing rain stung his bare torso. He grimaced and made his way to the captain. The intensity of the storm cut communication to the bare minimum and so the man simply pointed in the direction where he knew the cliffs lay. The captain nodded.

Now, as the cliffs came into view as dark silhouettes with no distinguishable shape, the man carefully made his way to the edge of the boat and grasped the railing. The captain waved his hand. Without a moment’s hesitation, the man propelled himself over the edge of the boat. His body plunged beneath the ice-cold water, then he pushed himself to the surface, gasping and spluttering at the dramatic change of temperature. Then, once he found the cliffs in the hazy sky, he began to swim toward them with broad, powerful strokes.

The waves dragged him back and forth, helping his endeavor one moment, undoing it the next. At last, he came within view of a small beach, protected by jagged sea rocks. An undercurrent swept him below and he fought to regain the surface. He swallowed water as he went down, and came back up coughing and choking. The waves tossed him towards the razor-sharp rocks, but he managed to grab ahold of one. The sea tugged at his feet every which way, but he held on, grunting in exertion. Then, as a particular wave crashed inland, he used the momentum to pull himself atop the rock.

For several minutes the man laid on his back, regaining his breath. When he pushed himself up he surveyed what route he might take to get to the beach. The waves thundered against the sea rocks for another hundred feet before splaying out into a small pool that lapped at the sand.Now he had a choice. He could both hop from rock to rock, and hope to make it to shore without getting knocked back into the frigid sea, or he could wait till dawn, which by his calculations would be no more than two hours, by which time the storm should have subsided.

He chose to brave the storm and began to leap from rock to rock, hands out to balance himself. The rain intensified, and the waves crashing against the rocks showered him with frigid mist. He pulled his satchel tight to his back and leaned forward as he landed on a particularly narrow rock. He chanced a glance downward. Bad idea. The water was churning and foaming like a cauldron and a slight wave of nausea swept over him. He faltered, took a step forward, and lost balance. His right leg shot out from under him and he landed on his side. Pain vibrated down his arm and he yelled.

Despite his best effort he careened off the rock and was taken in by the waves. They dragged him back and forth, and although he tried his best to protect himself from the rocks, he was barreled into them time and again, until at last he was hurled up on shore, gagging and choking. His throat was on fire from swallowing the sea water, and his head was swimming from the wild ride. He rolled on his back, now not only frozen to the bone, but soaking wet and covered with sand. His entire body ached and was beginning to shut down. He huddled into a ball and slipped into unconsciousness.

* * * * * 

He awoke. To say that he was sore would be an understatement, but he managed to pull himself to the side of what appeared, in the dim candlelight, to be a cot. His eyes flicked back and forth, as he became conscious that he was in some sort of a room. The young man surveyed his surroundings, taking in the sights and smells. The room was small, with just a cot and a large chest at the foot of it. A candle sat atop, glowing with warmth.

The smell of salt invaded the man’s nostrils. The sea. The landing! He’d passed out. Had a stranger found him and took him in? Doesn’t matter. He felt the cool, wooden floor on his bare toes, and realized that he had been dressed in a loose gown. My satchel! He gathered his footing and strode to the chest, flung it open, and peered inside.

“Bingo.”

He pulled the leather satchel out of the bottom of the chest and blew out the candle. Now in the silence and complete dark he could hear the faint crash of waves. Still on the shore. He could hear the faint voice of someone outside the room, and below. Second story then. He quickly lost the gown and dressed in his outfit. Crimson pants and shirt, black leather vest and boots, and a blood red, hooded cape. He armed himself with his usual: rapier at his hilt, dagger in both boots, and bow with quiver in his back.

As he pulled on the black leather gloves, completing his outfit, he heard heavy footsteps ascend. He shrunk behind the door, just moments before the visitor opened it and peered in. The light that sliced through the opening allowed the hidden man to make out the silhouette. It stretched all the way to the opposite side. It was a man. From the heavy, raspy, breathing, probably later in his life. His footsteps thumped over to the bed. A grunt.

“Mari, come here!”

Definitely an older man. His voice had a slight quiver, and it didn’t have the power of a younger voice.

There was the sound of someone much lighter springing up the stairs. Another silhouette, and this time a gasp.

“Papa, where’d he go?” Female. Young. Maybe ten or so.

“I don’t know. I was out mending the nets. Did you hear anything, Mari?”

“No, Papa! Not a peep. He must be a wizard!” The girl’s voice rose to a high squeak, mixed with excitement, and apprehension.

The man laughed. “Maybe. Come, let’s look around. He may have fallen out of bed.” There was a groan, and the old man chuckled. “Perhaps you should check. My back isn’t doing so well today.”

The hidden man took a glance around the doorframe. Old man, young girl, both with their backs to him. He waited for the girl to drop to her knees and peer under the bed, and flashed around the door.

A stairway greeted him and he stole down it silently. It led into a circular room, about twenty feet in diameter. It was a quaint sea cottage, replete with a coral and teal blue rug, a few wooden chairs, a kitchenette off to the right, one section closed off by sheets, and directly ahead, a wooden door.

He rushed for it, and for the first time, missed a detail. One that came in the shape of a big white and black ball of fur. With barred fangs. And quick feet.

The man sprinted for the door as the dog sprang to its feet with a growl. The man slammed the door shut as he rushed out, and a split second later he heard the dog slam against it and begin to bark up a frenzy. Knowing that the girl and old man would hear the noise, he gathered himself, surveyed his surroundings – a rocky shoreline facing a dismal sea, with an incline to his back that was sparsely inhabited by trees.

He turned up the hill, back to a strong breeze that had a nip in it from the waterfront, glancing back to see if he was pursued. Sure enough, the little girl had opened the cottage door.. Out rushed the dog, a mangy looking thing, with dirty-white fur, speckled with black spots. It let out a ferocious bark as it spotted its prey, and bolted up the hillside.

The man gritted his teeth. Sorry about this. He drew one of the daggers from his boots, and danced lightly on the balls of his feet, waiting for the dog to attack. The animal leapt at him with surprising agility and height, but the man reacted quicker, and with cat-like reflexes he spun to the left. The dog landed hard, and before it could turn, the man brought the hilt of the dagger down on the dog’s head. It let out a whimper and slumped to the sand.

Ignoring the little girl’s shriek, the man dropped the dagger back in place and was up the hill in seconds. The trees grew thicker, and the ground leveled out for several hundred yards before plummeting again. He headed inward. There’s a mission to be done

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Attolia
Review
Attolia wrote a review Review · Mar 15, 2016

Hey Messenger!

I liked this piece too. Especially the bit about the wordless communication between the protagonist and the captain before he jumps off, for some reason. Now, everyone else says you have wonderful description and for the most part I agree that you are good at it, but I think the first paragraph would be improved by slightly less descriptive words!! (I'm all about the sparsity, as you can tell.) But only the first paragraph really - I feel that you probably try the hardest on the first paragraph (which comes across) and then throughout the rest of the piece your writing is more natural.

The sleek black craft glided on the tumultuous waves, tossed to and fro, but never plunging beneath the writhing waters. The rain slapped against the ink black sails and mast of the boat. Though not visible through the thrashing water, wind, and rain, the cliffs of Dalen rose starkly to the heavens, somewhere up ahead. The boat’s captain fought against the wheel, keeping a steady, oblique course towards the shore, as his crew scurried about, keeping ropes tied and sails taut.


So we have "tumultuous" waves that are tossing the boat to and fro, "writhing" waters and "thrashing" water -- they're all kind of the same thing and too many descriptive words make the reader struggle/slow down, it becomes laborious to read through. Also, "glided" means something like "sailed smoothly" right? But it's not really smooth sailing if it's getting tossed to and fro. That word choice is up to you though. Also, "sleek black" and then "ink black" describing the boat -- I get it that it's black lol. But you do paint a good picture so it won't be easy cleaning all this up, you'll have to make some strategic calls on where to get rid of words. Also the "keeping a steady, oblique course" -- having two descriptive words there makes it so you need the comma, but the comma disrupts the flow and takes away from the sentence - so if you can get rid of one of the descriptive words and the comma I think it'd be improved, especially since that sentence already has four commas.

But as I said, after the first paragraph your writing gets a lot cleaner so good job there! It is tough keeping the rich description with fewer words but I think that first paragraph would be improved if you could do so.

And then here:


Now he had a choice. He could both hop from rock to rock, and hope to make it to shore without getting knocked back into the frigid sea, or he could wait till dawn, which by his calculations would be no more than two hours, by which time the storm should have subsided.


Just logically, is it really much of a choice? You've painted a good picture of the freezing storm. Two hours up on that rock, half-naked getting drench by the rain and the waves that could reach him - he'd probably get hypothermia or something. Up to you - if you agree maybe you could just add something in there how the prospect of two hours of the cold sucking his strength helped me make the decision to jump on the rocks - "either now or never" sorta thing.

He awoke.


^ Personally I would just like more of a transition here, but it doesn't have to be much. Something like, sometime later he awoke, with no sense of how much time had passed. Up to you though.

Overall, good job! I don't think you need anymore about the personality of the protagonist yet. I'm sure we'll get that later on. You did a good job creating the atmosphere and the pacing and plot are pretty good - I'm intrigued!

Attolia

Hey Attol!

Thanks for the awesome reviews!! you seem to have a thingy for opening paragraphs XD I agree though that it's super wordy. I just wanted to paint a very stark image, and mighta gone a little overboard, no pun intended ;) The reasonfor the choice he makes is that when I originally wrote this it was for a blog I was doing where the reader chose what he would decide, and so that paragraph was the last one to let them choose, but I just never switched it in transitioning it because I wasn't sure if it would be distracting, or if it would help.
As for the awoke part: I think I'll keep it. I just like the suddenness of it. As you can tell, with the second part of the chapter I went in to His head more, so I wanted to make this a more abrupt entrance.

~Messy

User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2016

Hi Messenger, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day. :D

Story: The story so far is quite interesting and has left me with a lot of burning questions like why was the ship heading for that island, who is this main character and who are those people on the beach? I am sure these will all be answered in the parts to come. You gave a really go hook in the beginning that made me read until I had finished the whole story. Well done. :D

Characters: The main character is fairly interesting and I can't what to see what happens to him. You got his emotions across quite well with the use of his body movements since there wasn't really any dialogue. I don't really have much to say yet about this character since he hasn't said much yet. I am sure he with get more interesting as the story goes on. :D

Description: The description is where you truly shine. You throw the reader straight into a storm out at sea and you describe it so well that I feel like I am right there. You carry on with this wonderful description through out the story, weaving a perfect picture for me. You included all the senses for the most part, sound, sight, smell, taste and touch so that it is so real. I can't what to see what you do next with the description. :D

Small mistakes: (His throat was on fire was swallowing the sea water, ) I think you meant to say (His throat was on fire from swallowing the sea water,)
(and a split second later he heard the dog slam in to it) (into) is one word. :D

Overall this was a very entertaining story and I look forward to the next part. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

P.S please tell me when the next part is out. :D

Hey
Thanks for stopping by and reviewing! I'm really glad to hear it was hooking and especially the part about the senses. I have, with the story, tried to put a big emphasis on the look of it, hence a lot of colors. Good to know if it's paying off. I'll definitely fix those errors you mentioned.

~Messy

User avatar
jedd
Comment
jedd commented Comment · Feb 26, 2016

Noooooooo! Why did you have to make it a dog?

but it didn't diiiie!

User avatar
Xorsudite
Review
Xorsudite wrote a review Review · Feb 26, 2016

Interesting piece. The description is top-notch, the time is passed well, and you have a talent for hooking the reader. However...I have one major qualm with this piece. Who is this man (the main character)? What is his name? Pretty much no time whatsoever is taken to delve into the characters' personalities--as they are now, they are all very one-dimensional.

I would recommend revising this excerpt. In the beginning, introduce us to this character. Take some time to show the readers what he's all about, personality-wise. Also, what is his relationship with the ship captain, and will they see each other again? Who are the old man and young girl, and what role will they play in the future?

Overall, this was well-written, and the cliffhanger at the end was mysterious, but the main problem with this excerpt, I feel, is that the characters lack depth. Once this dish has that last crucial ingredient, I think it will be perfect.

thanks for reading! More will be explained later, I assure you :) I know not much is told of him, let alone a name, but it will come in time. Sometimes it's hard to get a name in, and if you do it feels forced. I'll give you a hint it starts with H

~Messy



I'll make sure nobody unauthorized runs off with the chamber pot, sir.
— Kaladin (Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson)