Hi Messenger, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful evening.
Sorry about the unforgivable lateness. I hope the review will make it up to you.
Story: So I'm not getting much on the whole plot of the story here. You show us a map with the marking The Emerald. Could you expand upon that please. Maybe include more of Hawks thoughts. What are his doubts or fears. How is he feeling about this whole quest. Another thing you could do is give us a bit of information on how he got here and why.
Characters:
So you explain that the bird just cut his hand and not lightly I don't think, but you don't mention it later. I would include some detail further down about how it feel and what he does about it. I am sure that if he just leaves it, it will become infected and that wouldn't be good.The bird slammed into his hand with talons extended, slicing flesh.
you said that this was a ten foot drop, so I am guessing it is going to have some sort of impact on Hawk. Maybe expand a bit on this and give a feel of his senses. Did the force of the impact send jolts through his legs or did the hawk screech when Hawk grabbed it?The archer grunted, and with one swift motion snatched the bird’s wing as it zoomed past, and slammed it to the ground. For a few moments it laid stunned on the ground. As Hawk picked up the rabbit, the befuddled bird limped away.
I really think you need to work on your character's emotions a bit more. Is he sad or happy. Is he afraid of the mission ahead. You need to include more thoughts for the most part.
Description:
Just a quick nit-pick. You said forest twice in the sentence and it was a bit repetitive. Maybe change the second forest into woods or trees.The archer had passed through forests and hills, and now as he came to the edge of the forest
I'm a bit confused here because in the first sentence you say that he'd already seen the road, but in the next you say that he needs a map to find the road?he spotted a trodden dirt, or in this case, extremely muddy, road. He pulled the thick map from his side pocket and found the road quickly.
Your description on the whole is okay, but I think you need to include more of what Hawk is feeling.
Grammar and Punctuation:
I think you meant to sayhe spotted a trodden dirt, or in this case, extremely muddy, road.
he spotted a trodden dirt, or in this case, an extremely muddy, road.
This should be one sentence with a commaHe stopped at the top of it to survey the surroundings. Just like the hawk.
He stopped at the top of it to survey the surroundings, just like the hawk.
Same here.The archer leapt off the drop for the rabbit. Just like the hawk.
I think you meant to say lay instead of laid.For a few moments it laid stunned on the ground.
Overall it was another great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
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Reviews: 524
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