Astorian Myths - Part 1

by Messenger

Published March 9, 2016

In Astorian Myths

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Taven plucked the amethyst poppy and placed it in the sackcloth that hung at her side. It was the last ingredient she needed for her father to complete his experiment, and it had taken her some time to find it. Judging by how low the sunlight poked through the forest, it had taken close to an hour, and her father would be getting impatient. He wasn’t one to get upset, but when he was engrossed in his work he became quite passionate about what he was doing. Waiting at their cabin for so long, having nothing to do but wait for Taven to return with supplies, he was more than likely pacing back and forth with anticipation. That or he was already beginning to create some other sort of concoction.

Taven headed for the cabin, a good two miles east. She set off at a jog, squinting as the sun shone directly at eye level. She hopped the bubbling brook, the fallen tree with a large cluster of mushrooms growing out of the left side, passed under the woodpecker’s work-site for the day where he was still drilling away, looking for a meal, and climbed the hill with the berry bushes. Following her landmarks she arrived at the cabin in just under twenty minutes, and despite the cooling temperatures she had worked up a sweat. She wiped her brow and pulled off her headband, stuffing it in her coat pocket. Her hair - golden and shiny like a fine piece of jewelry - rolled down past her eyes and she ran a hand through her bangs to keep them out of her eyes. I really should cut my hair. But no, Father likes it the way it is. So does Malcolm.

Taven entered the clearing – it had a two-roomed cabin at the back, and a smaller shed/stable to the right. As she approached the shed area she heard the all-to-familiar, slightly annoying but amusing and charming, voice of her father as he tried in absolute vain to carry a tune to one of his favorite folk songs. Despite his lack of musical talents he belted away. Taven couldn’t help but let the merry laugh ring out, and wide smile come to her face. She entered the shed – brightly lit by a mixture of burning salts, which were placed in a metal bowl and hung from above – still laughing.

Her father spun around, wiping his straggly grey locks from his face.

“Ah, you’ve returned, dear. Did you find the poppy?”

Taven nodded, opening her sack. “I also found some ferns as well.”

Her father grinned to reveal a row of immaculate white teeth, credit of which he gave to some mixture of herbs he’d made in his younger days. “Good! May I see the poppy?”

Taven handed the little flower to him, and as he grabbed a small bowl and muddler from the counter – covered with plants, roots, mixing vials, and all other alchemist paraphernalia – he said “Tobias and his son will be stopping by tomorrow.”

Taven perked up. “Really?” her voice’s pitch rose.

Her cheeks flushed red as her father nodded, oblivious to her embarrassment. “Yes. He said he has a new powder he’s been mixing with oil. Apparently it burns even better than what we have now,” he said, gesturing to the light above.

Taven chose her words carefully. It’s not like I’m embarrassed. It’s just that he’s going to join the Royal Service. What if he gets sent to the sea to fight pirates? Or to the mountains to protect the garrisons from the dragons and trolls!

“So, are they going to be here for long? Perhaps I could make dinner for him. For them!” Well done.

Her father, who now had his back to her, or he would’ve surely seen the twinkle in her eyes and the rosy cheeks, nodded. “I’m sure you could convince Tobias to stay to sup.”

Doesn’t take much to do that. “What do you think I should make? My potato and carrots stew? Or perhaps I could steam-cook the rabbit we caught. Tobias does like a good bit of spice in his food.”

“He likes just about anything in his food.”

They both laughed.

“So, what is this drink going to do?”

“Well, if it works it should help to reduce anxiety. Jenny is struggling to sleep at nights.”

“Still wearing off the effects of that mage? I can’t believe what that maniac did! Stupid Emeralds!” Jenny’s nostrils flared and she clenched her fists.

Her father put the bowl down and laid a hand on Taven’s shoulder. “Now dear, just because one rogue mage attacked her doesn’t mean that they’re all like that. Take Galen for example.”

Taven took a deep breathe. “I know. It’s just that Jenny has been so different since he hit her with that spell. It’s lasted for nearly two weeks now. I’m just afraid-“ her voice trailed off as she stared at the dirt floor, twiddling her fingers.

“I can assure you that it isn’t a curse. She doesn’t have most of the signs. She’s yet to act differently than usual, barring the nightmares and sleepless nights, but that’s a common side effect.”

“Not to this degree,” Taven interjected. “And what about that stone that he was carrying. They say that only Emerald’s carry those, and that they have immense power!”

“But Taven, we never saw the stone. It was only mentioned by that half-drunk Victor. He probably made the whole thing up.”

Taven shook her head. “That’s not what a lot of people in the village think. Even Mathias has sided with him.”

Her father sighed. This was an argument they’d had twice since Jenny had been kidnapped and harassed by one of the Emerald, a group of mages located near the southern seaboard of Astoria. They were said to possess great magic powers and abilities. And in a young mind like Taven’s that was enough to convince her that Jenny, her close friend, had been cursed by the mage.

“Well, we’ll just have to see what happens. There’s not much we can do about it. Now, how about helping me with potion, because that can help Jenny.” 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Attolia
Review
Attolia wrote a review Review · Mar 11, 2016

Hi Messenger, I'm Attolia!

So overall you have a good piece here. You don't info-dump us with descriptions of your fantasy world or the character's place in it or what's happened before this, you ease us into of all it naturally with the dialogue. The pacing and flow is good as well. I also like how you make Taven closed-minded about the mage, due to her age, unlike many authors who make their teenage protagonists so omniscient about the world.

The main thing I think I can help you with is ridding your beginning paragraphs of unnecessary words. I'll try to show you what I mean but I haven't reviewed in literally years and I don't see how to quote or like italicize or anything with the new reviewing layout. Bear with me.

"Taven plucked the amethyst-colored poppy and placed it in her sackcloth that hung at her side. It was the last of ingredients she needed for her father to complete his experiment, and it had taken her some time to find it. Judging by how low the sunlight poked through the forest, it had taken close to an hour, and her father would be getting impatient. He wasn’t one to get upset at her, but when he was engrossed in his work he became quite passionate about. Waiting at their cabin for so long, having nothing to do but wait for Taven to return with supplies, he was more than likely pacing back and forth with anticipation. That or he was already beginning to create some other sort of concoction."

Let's start with your first sentence. When I see "amethyst-colored poppy" I almost want to stop reading because its length disrupts the flow and scares me that the rest of the story will be similarly over-descriptive. Personally, I would try to just get it down to one descriptive word before the noun, like "violent poppy." Next, the "her sackcloth that hung at her side" kind of jars - too many "her"s. It would be a lot better as "the sackcloth that hung at her side" - it's a pretty safe assumption that it's hers.

Next, "It was the last of ingredients she needed for her father to complete his experiment," would be much better just as "It was the last ingredient her father needed to complete his experiment," - it is still obvious she's retrieving it for her father and it's better not to spell everything out for your reader (and more importantly just stylistically it's a lot cleaner).

Also, "He wasn’t one to get upset at her," now this one could go either way. Is her father one to get upset at other people besides her? If not, I would just shorten it to "He wasn't one to get upset," - it sets up his character and you still have so much more time in the story -- even in this first chapter -- to show that they have a good relationship, you don't need to pack it in here.


Next, "She wiped her brow and pulled off the headband she had been wearing to keep her hair out of her face, and stuffed it in her coat pocket."

would be better as simply as "She wiped her brow and pulled off her headband, stuffing it in her coat pocket." Everything else is obvious (why else do girls wear headbands? and did she pull of a headband that she HADN'T been wearing?).

Now, "Her golden locks rolled down" -- "golden locks" is just really cliche, you can do better!


Overall, it was mostly those first few paragraphs that need improvement, otherwise you seem to be being well. The chapter piqued my interest about Taven's world and I want to learn about the certain mysterious hints you left (who's Malcolm? what's her relationship with Tobias?) Hope this helps! Let me know if you want me to see the next chapter!

Attolia

Hey!
Thanks for taking the time review!
Those were some really good pointers that I'll work on and re-phrase. :) did you mean violent, or violet, when describing the poppy?? XD
Oh, so for quoting it goes like this

Code
 [quote] quote here [/quote]
and then it'll show up in a nice tan quote bubble :) If you'd like I'll add you to the reading list?

~Messy

I just edited those two sentences if you;d like to see them, as well

Haha yes I did mean violet -- the horrible bit too is that I did edit and read over my review before submitting! And thank you for the help with quoting! I guess I could have gotten those codes from a different forum... ah well. The sentences look much better :) and yeah for sure add me to your reading list!
Cheers
Attolia

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Attolia
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Attolia commented Comment · Mar 11, 2016

XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review Review · Mar 9, 2016

Greetings,

This is really good. It seems like a good start to an entire story of adventure and magic. I have a few things that I want to point out. There are some points when you are missing a word that break the rhythm of the story for the reader. For instance, "He wasn’t one to get upset at her, but when he was engrossed in his work he became quite passionate about." This sentence just ends what does her father become quite passionate about? While I realize that you are speaking about his work, the way that it is setup here it seems like there is a word missing at the end.

Your descriptions are wonderful and imaginative. It let's me know exactly what to expect from the world around the main character. I really like how you started with her having already found the flower and sort of working her way back, as if she were thinking about something other than getting home.

I think that you should explain what an Emerald is before the end of the chapter. It seems rather important to know in order to understand the last bit of your story.

Happy Writing!

thanks for the review! I will fix that sentence. Must've deleted the end of it accidentally. :) The Emerald will be explained more, but it's a lot of stuff to explain, and I didn't want to overload the reader with too much info at once. would you like me to add you to my contact list for when I post the next chapter

~Messy

Sure that sounds great.

ok awesome!



more fish is always superior to less fish
— Shady