~This poem goes with my saga "The Four Seasons." It's for the Eldwin daughters. Enjoy!~
For it is a burning nightmare
to gain a kiss of the immortal,
For it is a sinful attraction
to love those who lurk in the shadows,
For it is a breaking oath
to listen to those midnight whispers.
We are Daughters of Dawn
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For it is a burning nightmare <I like the imagery>
to gain a kiss of the immortal, <Cliche>
For it is a sinful attraction <Cliche>
to love those who lurk in the shadows, <Cliche>
For it is a breaking oath <Using a participle here doesn't make sense here>
to listen to those midnight whispers. <I like the imagery, here>
We are Daughters of Dawn <Period needed>
Ultimately, it was a solid poem. However, the length is questionable. I am a HUGE fan of short poems but this is almost too short. Especially, since with your subject, I want more details ... Imagery to be specific. You leave the reader feeling unsatisfied after reading it. Keep it short but give it length.
Adrian
in stead of "breaking oath" write "broken oath" it might make it flow a bit better but all in all i liked it
I agree with the others. Simple, beautiful yet dark and deep, so naturally I was gutted when I realised that it was only a few lines shorter.
Other than that I really really enjoyed it. Can't wait to see what you come up with next.
I had to read it two times to make sense of what you were saying. I kind of like how it's straightforward and you don't have to guess about what the poem is about. Anyway, I thought it was a good poem but, I think you should add more.
I'm new to poetry, so feel free to disregard anything that I say, but this was WAY to short.
*Scrolls down to bottom of page, rubs eyes in disbelief*
Where's the rest? I want to know more! Apart from that, the writing was beautiful. It was very easy to understand, and the words you used, while not particularly interesting, were put together in such a fashion that your poem breathed new life into them.
Then again, I'm new to poetry, so feel free to disregard this comment for a critique more helpful, but I think it's beautiful, intriguing, and I'm apalled at it's length.
Please continue!