Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Once upon a time, a young man was walking down a stone path in northern China, after along week of work on the rice fields, the man could finally return home for the winter and spend time with his wife and son, who he had not seen for a month now, when suddenly from within the clouds a beautiful goddess appeared, tempting the man she tried to take him to bed, faithful, the man replied'' I have a long journey, and my wife and children await'' and so the man continued his journey, later on he was crossing a river, when an astonishing attractive mermaid surfaced, she was also trying to take him to bed, and the man again replied'' I have a long journey ahead and my wife and children await'' and so he continued his long perilous journey. The next day, he was crossing a bridge, and from the planks a great and atractive woman formed, she was an evil witch, yet she wanted to take the man to bed, faithful to his family he simply answered'' I have a long journey ahead, and my wife and children await'' The witch in anger turned him into a dog and disappeared, the poor faithful man now had become a dog, yet he kept on his now even more dangerous journey home, upon reaching his village, the dog was suddenly confronted by a blue spirit, unlike the others she did not tried to take him to bed, instead she said'' Oh young and noble man, for your journey has been long, and you have kept your promises to your wife, never even thinking about infidelity, you brave and faithful man, turn back to your human form, and return home, for i will fill you and your family with health and prosperity till kingdom come''- and as she finished the scentence the man was back on his human form, bowing to the spirit and showing her apretiation the man sprinted to his home, hugging his wife, he couldn't help but smile, for the journey was long and dangerous... but he finally got home.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
*Drops from sky* Boo. Guess who. I'm here to review!
Hehe, see what I did there. So anyway, I want to say that I liked your story very much. It was cute, short, to the point, and still descriptive. BUT YOU NEVER USED A SINGLE PERIOD THE ENTIRE TIME. Oh my god, I want to strangle you right now because the entire piece was ONE LONG FRIGGIN RUN-ON! Now while I understand that it may be a stylistic choice, I personally think that instead of adding to the story it detracts. My OCD was grinding its teeth the whole time I read it. It took me fifteen minutes to look past the commas and read the actual story. So please... please... please... please... please... Fix it. Then keep writing.
-Ladcat13
I liked your concept. I'm going to warn you, this review is going to be fairly harsh. Punctuation wise, this was poorly written. You did well on everything else. Okay so here are my nitpicks on punctuation. You also need to indent, So I'm going to go by how I think your paragraphs should be set up.
Okay. So try not to start off your stories with "Once upon a time." I understand this is a folktale, but it makes this sound like more of a fairytale. Instead try to start it with "Once, a long time ago,". This is how this paragraph should be laid out.
"Once, a long time ago, a young man was walking down a stone path in northern China. After a long week of work in the rice fields, he could finally return home for the winter and see his wife and son whom he had not seen for a month. Suddenly from within the clouds a beautiful goddess appeared. Tempting the man, she tried to take him to bed. The man remained faithful.
"I have a long journey," he said, "And my wife and children await." So the man continued on."
I think you get the gist. Without a period, and without reforming some sentences, this is basically just one big run-on sentence. I hope this helped. Again, I love your concept and I love your style, I just think the punctuation is really distracting. Keep Writing!
-Gravity
Hey there!
Perhaps just mark if "mature content" if even that.
Right, I like the idea behind this short story, it is a good idea and you have good potential!
Now, a couple o' mistakes in it:
"atractive" should be: "attractive "
"scentence" should be: "sentence"
"apretiation" should be: "appreciation"
Also, um I can only see one full-stop here in the whole 200 words or so. You could be doing this to represent the fact it is a long journey and by the end it is drawn to a close by this full stop to show the reader it is complete and make us feel like we've gone with him.
Although, I think this could really work better if you used full stops, and broke it up into smaller paragraphs, appearance matters a lot here, at first glance, a reader might not want to review a block of writing, but if it's tidy, they will be more obliged to.
I don't think this needs to be rated an 18+, I mean, I'm 14 and this didn't disturb me beyond repair or anything
Last little thing, I'd love it if this had more description in it, if you described the mermaid's tail. What colour was it, what was her hair like, what were her eyes doing?
You can make this piece amazing, and I truly liked reading it and going along this journey with the man.
-CFG
Thanks for the tips! It has been YEARS literally since i stopped writing, and being English not my main language i keep having trouble with using the correct words. as far as the full stop, this was made more as a rush than rather a full blown story. More like a small idea. I used 18 because i'm new at this page and still trying to figure out their definition of ''mature content'' haha. But thank you so much for your feedback! i will keep on working hard to keep up with today's writers!