I wake up, sweating and scared. I frantically look around trying to remove the image I just saw from my mind. I place my hand over my chest to feel my heart beating incredibly fast. I could still see the blood that had just been plastered all over these walls. My ears ring from the screaming that I know I had just been doing a few minutes ago. I lean over the edge of my bunk bed and look down, making sure my grandma is still safely under the covers. I sigh, relieved to see her chest moving up and down with each breath she takes.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I applaud you for taking on the ever-difficult first person point of view. I understand the challenge of writing in first person: however, would've liked to see more sentence structure variety. Each sentence begins with "I" with the exception one. For example using the first sentence alone -I wake up. Clothing becomes a second skin due to the sweat. And I'm scared beyond belief.
It's minor details such as that that create a completely different mood. It also changes the flow of the story by shifting the focus from the narrator to tangible evidence that he or she is sweaty.
Unable to find Teddy (Chapter One), I would've appreciated hearing more about what brought on these circumstances. The fact she expects to see "blood . . . plastered all over" the walls and then immediately checks on her grandmother intrigues me. It feels much too short. This piece also begs the question: where's the conflict? This piece would benefit from more development.
It's a beautiful thing to come across a piece that is mechanically solid and lacking in spelling errors. Otherwise, I like where you were going and would like to see more. Hope what I've typed up has been useful and I wish you luck, mate.