''Oh, look at you!'' I heard a loud voice exclaim from above me. I ignored the comment and continued reading. ''Now, you must be the most hated kid in school, huh?'' he continued. He laughed and stepped closer. I was forced to look up at the owner of the harsh, cold voice. He stood tall above me, towering over the small patch of grass I sat on. He had a hand on his hip, a gesture I usually found to be completely feminine, but he seemed to be able to make it manly. His broad shoulders shook as he laughed again. ''So, what? You must have a big reputation as the outkast around here, right?'' I was confused by his questioning. This was a small town. Everyone must know who I am. Then again, many probably had know clue about my existence. ''And what if I am?'' I glared at him, making sure to look as uninviting as possible. I could be just as intimidating, I didn't need to stand at his height. A big smile spread on his face, revealing astonishingly white teeth, crooked in an oddly attractive way.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright then well, this is an interesting piece right here, I can't decide if we've got a case of bullying going on here, or if this is flirting, because I can see this being interpreted as both, especially towards the end, maybe, at least that is the vibe that I am getting from this at the moment, which is definitely not a situation I've found myself in before with a story.
At any rate, the first part is definitely a bit hostile, cause it looks like person is specifically trying to target the protagonist here and calling them out on these things, but then the way that the protagonist responds is just a bit like they are being flirtatious and the description that's being done in the protagonists POV also seems to contribute to that.
At any rate, this was a really interesting piece here, the one issue I can point out though, is the dialogue, you need to break paragraphs there when the two different people are speaking, or the flow here isn't quite as nice there. At any rate, this seems like something that I'd certainly read more of.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey!
This was defitnaltly a great start! If this is your first chapter than I highly recommned you carry on writting and then end it with a cliff hanger.
Maybe intodouce the story more like give a reason why she's all alone.
Appereance as well and maybe give the mystrey guy a name. Currently we have no clue to whats going on except she lives in a small town and she hates the guy standing before her. Give more information unless your purposally holding back on information for a reason.
Well done though. i did enjoy reading this. x
Just to get nitpicky stuff out of the way
If the story is written in first person, there's no need to say "I heard" for things that are directly affecting the writer. At least, not always. remove "I heard" - A loud voice exclaimed from above me, works just fine since the author is hearing it and telling that she heard it. Right?
Semi-colon's are misunderstood. But in this situation it'd work better than a comma.
Aside from some minor spelling mistakes I thought it was decent. Short, but overall the picture is painted clearly. Not sure if I like the "but he seemed to be able to make it manly" line but that's just a personal aesthetic choice in wording so no fault to you.
Is this a piece of a novel? or perhaps a short story?