I’m starting to think that hating is a professional sport. While some people do it as a hobby, others will strive to be the best hater on all social media, I think to myself as I walk down the darkened street.
The moon is almost non-existent tonight, just barely a sliver peeking through the clouds. It gives the street an almost suspenseful way about it, and I set my pace faster.
Today was not the best day to begin with, and I don’t want any more trouble. I turn the corner, almost at a slight jog now, heading towards the only store open 24 hours a night.
One of my good friends, or so I thought, Lilliana, decided that she would rather hang out with the more popular group. I shudder as I remember how she humiliated me in the town square just a few hours ago.
A small gas station just off the main street has its bright sign lit, and I share a quick smile as I think about the people behind the registers tonight. It could either be Hector or Olivia.
I hope it will be Hector smiling back at me, I think, as I open the door.
A blast of cold air hit me, and I close my eyes, savoring
the feeling, quite unlike the humid sticky air outside.
“You know, we should start charging you for using our fresh air,” a voice
chuckles from behind the small counter.
I smile, and retort, “You know Hector, they should start charging you for all the cups of soda you drink while you are on shift.
I open my eyes just in time to see his scowl form. It was true, whoever was on shift got free refills, although the manager, Diana, isn’t too happy about it.
I prowl over to the small table with 4 chairs tucked into it: our usual meeting spot behind the counter. I don’t work here, but Diana is a friend of my mom’s, so I get a pass.
Usually, the working group isn’t allowed to sit down while on the clock, but the graveyard shift gets special perks. Hardly anyone comes into the small gas station at 2 am on a Wednesday, besides travelers and people who are night owls themselves, like me.
I pull the chair out and take a seat, waiting for Hector to do the same. He raises his eyebrows in question.
“Is the news really so bad that I need to sit down?” He asks but obliges a second later.
I clear my throat, trying to figure out how to tell him without hurting him.
“So, you know how I met your dad a few years ago, when he
came back to try and seduce your mom?”
He scowls and mutters, “I don’t need you to remind me what happened. He came barging into the house and when she wouldn’t
go out with him on a date, he burnt the house, blah, blah, blah.”
“I know. I’m sorry for bringing it up,” I say apologetically.
I take a deep breath and say, “Uh, so forgive me for being the one who has to tell you, but your dad is back in town.”
“What?!” Hector yells, his eyes wide.
He stands from the table almost knocking the chair down in the process.
“Are you sure?” he asks, staring at me with big brown eyes.
“I’m positive it’s him. The very devil, in the flesh,” I say, nodding.
I sigh. It is going to be a very interesting summer if Hectors father is here, I think to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello, MenacingFish! A belated welcome to YWS. I'm Wist and I'll be reviewing your lovely short story today. I was intrigued because I don't see many first-person present-tense stories here.
Your short story painted a vivid picture of a protagonist grappling with personal and social challenges that often come with school and adolescence. The use of descriptive language effectively sets the scene and conveys the protagonist's inner turmoil. The interaction between the protagonist and Hector at the gas station adds depth to the narrative, introducing an unexpected twist involving Hector's father. However, I would say that the twist about Hector's father being an arsonist isn't given enough weight. The following "blah, blah, blah" kills the dread the reveal carries because it's not taken seriously. Also, there were a few problems with the tense I found:
Since you're writing in the present tense, it should be "Today is not" or "Today isn't."
I'm not sure if this is more of a typo, but either way, it should be "hits."
Overall, you have a good story here. The audience has a good idea of who the protagonist is, even though we don't know their name or gender. There are only a couple of problems that need to be addressed to make this quite a strong piece. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading. Again, welcome to YWS and I hope you love it here.
Happy Writing!
Wist
Hi hi!
It's exciting to see an intro! I always see chapters on here, but never something from the beginning. This way, there are so many paths to imagine! ^-^
This is so vivid! The description of the darkened street and the barely visible moon... that's so suspenseful! I'm not sure how the narrative will unfold, but I expect there will be a lot of tension. Maybe you could add more sensory details though! How does the air feel? Are there any sounds that could foreshadow something? Small details like that can do a lot! Everything can help you build the scene more.
I love the first sentence, too! It's so cynical, but it's not too overboard. It's a strong hook, but I do think there is a risk of it being *too* abstract. If you don't continue the theme or elaborate on the meaning now, then it doesn't make sense!
This is just the intro though, so I understand not all of the ideas are explored! Though, I'm not sure where this story is heading at all. I think it will go somewhere, but the introduction should have some backstory! For instance, the secondary characters like Olivia and Diana have no essential role in this introduction. I imagine they will later on, but you could start working on them here!
I guess I'll have to check out the rest of the story! This is good so far! :>
~ Seoyoung