Dedicated to that person behind me having a hard time taking the test. *cough* I feel you bro *cough*
Here's to the guy behind me
There his pen goes
Click! Click! Click!
I slam my precious head
On my plastic desk
I know we both are confounded
By this notorious labyrinth
I just wish I had
A retractable pen too
I know we both
Don't know the answers
Or where to go
I thought I reviewed last night
Or the night before that
But why is it,
Down, down, down,
I'm falling down the cliff
Another blank line
I'm totally screwed
His pen still goes on
Click! Click! Click!
My mind feels empty
Yet I'm still not done
I don't know why his ballpen goes
Click! Click! Click!
But I know one thing;
I'm going to fail this test
Please help me
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hey there!
Let's me start with an overview and then proceed to make a few suggestions and nitpicks about the poem. Okay. First of all, the poem is about the narrator's mind going blank in the middle of a test, and there's a nice use of humor as the narrator tells us about the sound of the clicking retractable pen of the person behind him/her. While these are ordinary ideas, you've craftily used them to depict the predicament of the narrator. You play with these two descriptions throughout the poem, and without sounding repetitive.
I'm sure most readers will find your poem relatable. Ha!
Some suggestions that you may or may not consider, the decision of which I'll leave up to you. Notice the parts in bold:
Is there a particular reason you use this adjective here? I don't think it's necessary. In fact, the stanza would be fine even if you did away with 'precious' here. Or do something else, use some other adjective like 'empty' since that would further describe the state of mind of the narrator. Choose your words wisely and economically, that's a free tip I'm giving you!
When I read this part of the poem, I couldn't immediately make sense of the 'down, down, down' sequence. You can try fixing that. How about try to make this part more clear-sounding. It would be worth your effort!
Also, 'the cliff' or 'a cliff'? - you decide.
The rest looks fine to me. Just keep writing and improving. I'm saying this to you as a fellow poet and a fellow YWSer. Take care and keep it up.
Love,
Autumns.
Thank you for reviewing! I'll check my work next time, thank you for the tips :3
Hello lovely person! I'm here to grant you a review! Forewarning, I haven't reviewed anything in quite sometime and I might be rusty or harsh or not to the point. Sorry!
Okay, to start, I'll be doing punctuation/grammar/ etc. All that technical stuff.
First Stanza: In the very last line you need to capitalize On. That's the only problem in that stanza!
Second Stanza: Second sentence, By needs to be capitalized. That's all for that sentence.
Third Stanza: The second line needs Don't capitalized and the last line needs Or capitalized.
Fourth Stanza:The third sentence needs But capitalized, and the fourth sentence needs the first Down capitalized.
Fifth Stanza: The third sentence needs His capitalized, and the fourth sentence needs the Clicks! capitalized (Like you did in the first stanza but didn't do later on).
Sixth Stanza:In the first sentence, the word ball pen(according to Word because it helps me check my own eyes XD) says it is two words but the internet says one so....idk. Leave it or not it seems to be fine? The last sentence Please needs to be capitalized.
Okay! Now that all the technicalities are out of the way, lets continue onto the good part!!
I seriously really like this poem. It is really funny and comedic, but also something pretty much everyone can relate too. We have ALL been in a classroom, in a test, and there is either ONE person clicking their pen while we are trying to concentrate(or you're that person) and you have forgotten EVERYTHING. So, you've made a really comedic and easy to relate too poem. Hard thing to accomplish really
I love the way the words flow, even though there is a lot of punctuation trying to interrupt it. the way you word things and the restricted vocab of someone trying to focus on too many things at once is amazing, but not so restricted you're repeating all the same words. Which I find quite hard to do sometimes with poetry. I really like how talented it is!
I hope you keep writing, as I can tell you're pretty new here! Many positive reviews and amazing works too come! and a few not so good ones, just to get through writers block or something
~Kam
Thank you for reviewing and correcting the grammar :3 I didn't even bother editing it so thank you. The ballpen part was the only thing I wanted to edit, as you can see in the first stanza it's 'pen', but I kind of wanted to remain with 'the ballpen' since the title 'the pen' feels off to me. So I remained with ballpen but didn't change the 'pen' in the first stanza which is weird.
Great poem. Slightly funny, but mostly excellent. I don't really have anything to nit-pick about, so I am just going to say keep up the good work.
Thank you
Cool!
What was your result of the test anyway? >_<I still don't know. Pray for me brother.
I will! :3
I love this
thank you :3