The leaves fall lightly
On your relaxed shoulder
They're blanketed with green
You don't even bother
To brush them off
You're standing still and begging me
To look straight at you
As you spoke warm words engulfed my thoughts
I can't even resist saying 'I do'
Then in a blink of an eye
You disappeared from my gaze
Everything went black
fell into a haze
My mom holds the plug
and she tells me straight
"You go to bed,
and stop watching anime!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello!
This is my first time reviewing a poem so sorry if this is bad.
First some corrections, I think that you should have a more defined rhyme scheme.
Though i thought that the poem was amazing. I thought that the ending was unexpected and funny. You were descriptive throughout it which was amazing.
Overall this was a great poem that i enjoyed reading and i can't wait to see some of your other works!
Thank you for reviewing :3
Hey, this is a great work, but I almost think that the way you try to rhyme your words dictates the way you wrote it. Also there wasn't any real rhythm to this poem. However, I like the expressiveness in your writing. Happy Writing,
MsPoetry15
Thank you :3
Hello! Rae here to review!
I thought this was great! I loved it. There are a few things I would do though. Make it more intense and passionate! I would love to have it be so deep and romantic and then... Stop watching anime. Throw in a small tear when they disappear, and the line "You disappeared into my gaze" Sounds a bit off, maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like it should be "You disappeared from my gaze". You don't seem to have a syllable pattern, so I think it might work.
That was a great ending. I loved it! I think you did a wonderful job.
Rae
Oh sorry the disappeared into my gaze is a mistake xD I just copied this from the paper I wrote when I was having our exams. And, I do think it should be a little dramatic, however this poem just conveys my feelings when it comes to having a crush on, well, anime characters. *cough* UsuiLeviKouKikuchiRen*cough*
Thank you for reviewing
I thought it was marvelous! You did really good!
Thank you