Chapter 1: The Assassins

by MemoryHunter

Published December 13, 2015

Master Olivia had her blood dripping down her silver axe. Her animalistic grin looked down at the ruby eyes as she slung her infamous weapon over her shoulders, as if it was that light. Hint: it was not.

Helen couldn't take all this practice. They had been in the training room for several hours now, sparring nonstop. She panted heavily as she stared straight into Master's shining eyes, grinning along with her lips. 

What good would this all do if she wasn't yet even allowed to execute an assassination on somebody? Telling her to gain more strength and then preventing her from doing what she was trained to do was tiring. Nine years she has been trapped in this hell hole she called home, a boarding school filled with experts in the field of homocide. Nine years she had dwelled in the presence of the most significant serial killers and the most deadly weapons in the entire globe, and yet they tell her she couldn't still go outside the school and hunt people?

Helen gripped on her daggers tightly and in a split second picked the most precious one, flicking it towards Master Olivia, her breath getting heavier by the minute. With luck on her side, the dagger came in contact with her master's skin, but simply grazed it a bit. Master Olivia winced, and with a sigh, called it a day off.

Finally. Hell week was half done.

Helen seized all of her daggers and put them inside a stash in the corner. It was almost time for the annual examinations in Serpent's Cordial Academy, and the week before it was this intense moment of training and prayers. The whole girl's dormitory was always active, but twice as much during hell week, and if Helen thought about sleeping, she would go somewhere else because the dormitory was barely soundless during the night that she could hear metal swords clinging in contact and maces being swinged every second and every minute.

She left the training room with a boulder pulled away from her shoulders. She could finally rest again as she could feel her feet getting numb from all that running away from Master Olivia's humongous axe.

While heading towards her room in the dormitory, she overheard screams and fists and crowds in the nearby kitchen, their yells echoing through the halls. Helen rushed to the voices, forgetting her aching body.

There was a pool of blood in the floor, and all of the girls were in a circle, surrounding two figures that were hidden by the thousands of bodies that were in that room. Helen pushed herself closer to the middle, and without heads towering over her anymore, she spotted two girls fist fighting, their faces messed up and their clothes somewhat tattered.

She couldn't make up the one on the right's face, but the other was someone that made her stop their fight and split them far from each other.

She looked at the girl on her left, a small, brunette woman with an evident scar marked on her face. "Gartha! What is this?!"

Gartha refused to look up at her and instead stared at the wooden floor. Her fists were worn out from punching the other girl's face repeatedly. "She laughed at my scar and bet me she could beat me with only those two hands of hers. I bet her she wouldn't even last a minute when I'm done with her."

Her scottish accent was heavy but Helen was used to it enough to understand what she was saying.

Helen faced the other girl and recognized her as a new student, a freshman, which was quite obvious. Freshmen had this subtlety and presence that deemed them still untouched. Untouched by the horrors of years and years of hell week. "Who are you and why do you speak what you cannot even justify?"

The freshman hesitated but spoke up, her eyes swollen, perhaps from Gartha's punches. "Edith Maill, from the Lira's."

Gartha scoffed. "Now, what in the hell was the headmaster thinking, picking up a fragile girl like her, someone from a pure place like that. Tch. She thinks this is a school for saints, eh?"

Helen glared at her even more, her eyes a burning red. "Gartha, shut your mouth or else this will be the moment where I tell them you come from an even holier place than The Lira's."

Edith cleared her throat and backed off, almost blending in with the crowd. Everyone was now eager to watch them fight again, their eyes pinned on the three, but Helen waved them all away, so they groaned and went about with their own business. Now, only the three figures remained in the kitchen, trying to clear misunderstandings.

"I do not think The Lira's are holy places. The Sacred Temples are full of corrupt officials and deteriorating laws. I only came here to relieve myself from those sugarcoated men and filthy scum," Edith spoke as if she was not from that place and hid her face from the two.

She had a white cloak to hide her sash, which from a distance may hold potions, but when Helen leaned forward, she could see the liquid of Blue Barrel, a poisonous plant. Her golden hair shone even from afar, and that was what the two were afraid of. Hair of the pure bloods.

Helen grabbed her by the shoulders and squeezed it a bit. "This place is not a refuge. This will replace all those pure memories in the Lira's with dark, impure ones. If you want to maintain your mental capacity whilst you stay here, you must never talk with arrogance and you must never battle with your brethren."

Edith simply nodded, but she knew that she understood well. This couldn't possibly be a refuge.

They decided to go back to their rooms. When Helen opened the door to her chambers, she felt a certain aura lingering in the room. She picked up the picture frame that fell, leaving shards of glass on the floor. There were two girls in the picture, one was a miniature Helen and one was a vague face with similar features.

A shadow cast on the wall in front of her. She put the picture frame down on a side table.

"Kiru, please don't do this again." She looked behind her, a tall man with a dark velvet cloak leaning behind a wall.

Kiru faced her with arms folded in his chest, a whip in one of his hands. "I just wanted to visit you. I have news about what will happen during the annual examinations. And it's the best one yet."

He grinned at her and moved forward until they were only five inches apart.

Helen pushed him back and shook her head. "What is it?"

"They will send us outside."

There was a moment of silence for her to take everything in, and then she jumped up and down until she fell unto her bed because of happiness.

"Woah, settle down, are you even the best assassin in Serpent's Cordial Academy?" He laughed but soon joined her in the bed, the two facing each other.

"You speak like we assassins have no right to act like children." She pouted. "Anyways, what are they planning? Do you think... Do you think we're going to assassinate someone real now?"

Kiru nodded ever so slightly. "Let's see."

Comments & reviews · 5
thegoldendragon wrote a review Review · Dec 21, 2015

Never seen this before, great look on what it would actually be in a real assassin's school, why wouldn't there be fights, violent training, and that stuff? I really don't understand a lot yet, as you don't inform the readers where they are as the story progresses, and that is what I will look for in the next installments, also, I like the use of a hook at the end, as you said in the start that she wanted to go outside for hunts, and at the end you find out she will (go outside) for the examination.

Thank you for your review!

twistedracer01 wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2015

great story. the anime/manga feel was great (i personnaly watch and read that stuff) The charicters were a little hard to keep there discription in mind (i would let the reader imagine the charcicter but your book have fun)Anyway they definitly are competitive (that creates a good plot) and really cot my intrest so please make chapter two. Oh and Give a reson for them to be at the school other wise GREAT JOB

YAY OTAKU! (Probably Shounen lover because you are a guy, sorry, I is shoujo <3) Thank you for the review :3

Yup and no problem

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Europa
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Europa wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2015

Hey there, stranger! I'm TheFantasy14! Hello and welcome to Young Writers Society!

Let us start off with the compliments.
Always best to start off positive, right?

First of all, I love, love, LOVE the plot of your story! There is nothing I like more than reading a good assassin thriller. (Except of course, WRITING a good assassin thriller! *cough* Pierpoint Academy *Cough*)

Second, your characters are pretty good too. So far I haven't gotten to know too much about them but I'm taking a liking to Edith already. She seems like a feisty little firecracker.
I'm curious to know more about these characters and their past. Why are they at this school? Did they choose to become assassins on their own? Is someone forcing them?

I'd advise maybe giving someone who has chosen to take up killing for a living to have a very good reason to do it. The best villain is and understandable villain. (If they are villains. I never can guess with stories like these.)

I'll use one of my characters as an example: Evangeline Lakewood. Famous assassin for hire. Big bad murderer, kills for the fun of it, blah, blah, blah, horrible person yada yada.
But she has a REASON for being the way she is. She wasn't born pulling the wings off butterflies if you know what I mean. Eva was part of a broken family and her own father murdered her mother and tried to kill her. And Eva ends up killing him. That's her motivation. That's the reason she's a heartless killer.

It's just my thoughts, you can choose what you do with it. I just feel like I connect more with bad guys who aren't bad for the sake of being evil. It also makes your villain seem more real in the eyes of a reader.

I (Think?) I've covered everything I could think of. (Since I'm not too good at spotting grammar errors myself...)

Would you mind tagging me when the next installment is out?

-Fanty

Thank you so much for the review :D As for your first question, I can answer that in the next chapter, if I ever get to writing it that is. The truth is, I have wrote this a year ago and I have to think of the plot all over again. Again, thank you so much for the review :D

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Charm
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Charm wrote a review Review · Dec 13, 2015

'Ello! I'm here to review your work!
My name is Rachel but some people just called me Mad

When I first started reading this I notice well.... just look at this quote:
"People don't like to be told what to think, they like to be shown what to imagine." -Rachel Helwig-Henseleit

Yes I did just quote myself. You got a problem with that?!

Praise:
I loved this:

if Helen thought about sleeping, she would go somewhere else because the dormitory was barely soundless during the night that she could hear metal swords clinging in contact and maces being swinged every second and every minute.

I love how this has an anime/manga feel to it!

Characters:
I didn't get a good feel for the characters. I don't really remember what any of them look like.

Plot:
The plot was very confusing. Pure bloods? And I thought this took place in our world by the way you narrate it. It was rushed and felt random. I think I take comfort though, knowing that you wrote this when you were a 6th grader.

Grammar:


Weird Sentences:
Her animalistic grin looked down at the ruby eyes as she sling her infamous weapon over her shoulders, as if it was that light.
This sentence does not make any sense to me. I don't know what you are trying to say.
yet they tell her she couldn't still go outside the school and hunt people?
This line made me cringe. Please don't use hurt. It ruins the assassin feel and I love assassins. Well fictional assassins.
Helen seized all of her daggers and put them inside a stash in the corner.
I think you meant to say "put them in a stash in the corner"
"Who are you and why do you speak what you cannot even justify?"
Your narration seems present day and yet this line feels like it belongs in the victorian era or something

Issues:
First thing I noticed when I started reading this was how you stated everything like a straightforward fact. By that I mean you are telling not showing! I know that this is a hard thing to master. I am constantly told that I tell instead of show. I am living proof that this is something that every writer needs to learn how to master.

Thank you for reviewing! :D I'm glad someone shares the same opinions as me on this work.

yet they tell her she couldn't still go outside the school and hunt people?
That is hunt, actually, not hurt.

I'm going to edit the chapter first. This horrible excuse of a chapter should not be published. xD

Shame on you, 6th Grader self

Charm replied · Dec 13, 2015

Oops sorry! I must have read too fast!

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MemoryHunter
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MemoryHunter commented Comment · Dec 13, 2015

Hey there I'm here to review this work of my old self~
I made this last year and only posted this now so I'm going to say the flaws of this chapter.

The scene wherein Helen picked up the picture frame was too sudden. I didn't even bother describing the bedroom and if there was a picture frame there. And then there's suddenly a picture frame lying on the ground? Whaaat?

It wasn't even described clearly. What are the Lira's? Well from inference I can say that it's a holy place, but what are they? Whaaat? And Gartha is from a place far more holy than the Lira's? Whaaaaat?

Kiru. Kiru. We don't know much about your face. But I love you.

This chapter is not that interesting, old self. I'm ashamed.

I won't say 'happy writing'. I'm still ashamed.



If I had control over the quote generator, I feel like I would put half of YWS in it.
— Kaia