They gave him everything.
She got flip all.
She never really noticed.
But she didn’t doubt their love.
He was loud.
She was quiet.
They only noticed him.
But she didn’t doubt their love.
He was kind.
She wasn’t ‘kind enough’.
They didn’t notice her.
But she didn’t doubt their love.
He was happy.
She wasn’t.
She noticed it now.
And she was starting to doubt their love.
She was paranoid.
She was scared.
They never noticed her falling.
And she definitely doubted their love.
She isn’t happy.
She doesn’t trust them.
She notices everything.
And now she’ll always doubt their love.
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137,487 Literary Works • 672,036 Reviews
Hey there Mei!
I thought this was a super neat concept for a poem! You can feel the tension in the poem over the unequal treatment of the siblings - and the refrain continues to add punch to each stanza. I felt like the examples could have dug into specifics a bit more or maybe made them a little more complex by using metaphor or symbolism?
ie. it is very simple to say "She wasn't kind enough"
to make it more complex / poetic one could say "her star didn't shine bright enough for them" or something along those lines
incorporating some specifics / imagery / metaphor to these simple statements will really make your poem pop I think.
I also didn't quite follow what the phrase "She got flip all" meant - maybe I'm too old to understand that one!
Overall I liked the formatting and the concept and the theme quite a bit - it was very clear for a reader to see what message the poet was trying to convey and I felt empathy towards the speaker's emotional frustration!
Keep on writing! (Also if you are around during April, consider joining us for National Poetry Writing Month (aka NaPo) it's a lot of fun and a month-long of poetry writing! You can read more about it on my wall, would love to read more of your poetry.)
Have a great day,
alliyah
Hi! Thank you! I appreciate it! Also, I don't know if people use the expression everywhere, but flip is a non-swearing substitute for the f-word, and I don't swear, so I used flip instead. 'F*** all' I'm pretty sure is an expression, that basically means in this context 'she got nothing'. I hope that helps. Bye!
Hey there! Your piece beautifully captures the intricate feeling of being overlooked even when loved—a theme that really hits home.
The way you repeat “But she didn’t doubt their love” is really clever, because it sets up this deep contrast between the narrator’s inner chaos and their lingering hope. I also liked those short sentences. They brought out this urgency.
The subtle shift from trust to doubt is painted so vividly. The transition from “She never really noticed” to “She notices everything” is a brilliant way to show an awakening to some harsh truths, encouraging readers to think about their own experiences with love and perception. Your use of repetition and contrast really amps up the emotional punch. Maybe throwing in some varied sentence structures could take it even further. All in all, it’s a raw and gripping dive into love, doubt, and self-awareness. Keep up the amazing work!
Thank you so much! I appreciate it!