Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Narrative


Sight

by MeherazulAzim16


TAJITI (FIRST PERSON POV)



That night something woke me up—an explosion of light in my room. It left no trace, except maybe the rays of moonlight that were already there, slipping in through the drapes. That's when I noticed it—a silhouette before the window.



It took a few steps toward me. I was terrified. I was prepared to make a run for the door but I froze. "Did I wake you up?" the silhouette asked. I recognised the voice though it gave a chill.



"What are you doing here, Arii!" I couldn't believe my senses. I sat up.



"I just wanted to talk to you." She sat on the bed beside me.



"Wait, did you climb up?" I thought was being funny but now I know I really wondered about it. She said she was here anyway and she was here to tell me something.



"Is everything okay?" I asked.



"No. But everything will be. Believe that and know that I loved you till I—" Her face remained pale, her eyes lifeless.



"Arii?"



...



ALAM



Ferin is talking to Dr Alam in his chamber.



"Have you read Tajiti's testimony?" Dr Alam enquires.



"I couldn't bear to go on."



"He claims to have had an encounter with Arii's spirit the night of Arii's death."



"And what do you think?"



"I don't think he is lying," Dr Alam takes out a file from a drawer. "His polygraph result seems to agree with me," Dr Alam hands the reports over to Ferin.



"Do all of these mean that he had a paranormal experience?" Ferin frowns at the reports.



"Not necessarily. He may have passed the test because he has convinced himself that that's how the experience went down or that an event of the sort really happened. Maybe it comformts him and present him with a form of closure."



"If that's the case, doesn't Tajiti deserve to know?"



"Perhaps, this false memory gives him a sparkle of hope. He knows that she is out there. Everyone is vulnerable to the allure of afterlife—specially, following the loss of a loved one. I doubt he will take you at face value if you do tell him."



"That sounds like a pseudo-scientific explanation, doctor" Ferin says. There is silence in the room for a moment. "But I'll take anything other than a paranormal one at this point," Ferin returns the file to Dr Alam.



"Or perhaps, we are all wrong." Dr Alam puts the file back in the drawer.



...



TAJITI



Moonlight is phasing through the drapes in Tajiti's room. There is an explosion of light. Tajiti wakes up sweating. He looks around. He is not quite sure what woke him up. He falls back to sleep.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
82 Reviews


Points: 647
Reviews: 82

Donate
Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:13 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hey, it's been a little while since I've had the time to review anything, but I've only got three days left of school and two of those are going to be spent at a comic book shop playing games or at a fair, and the other is a half day, so I'd like to consider myself about as done as I'm going to get. Anyway, the way that I review things is like this, I read through the work twice over at least (the first time to read it as just any reader would, the second time to put my reviewer glasses on, and any time after that to get really nitpicky), then I go through the last time and pick out all the nitpicky little things that I feel could use some improvement. The review is going to go through paragraph by paragraph and then I'll give all my general thoughts at the end.

Keep in mind that I am a nitpicky little bean and will, therefore, point out a whole lot of stuff that doesn't matter nearly as much as I make it seem like it does.

With no further ado, let's get into the stuff that actually matters (or, doesn't matter, depending on exactly how little the detail is that I decide to pick apart).

"That night something woke me up—an explosion of light in my room. It left no trace, except maybe the rays of moonlight that were already there, slipping in through the drapes. That's when I noticed it—a silhouette before the window."

I always pick apart the opener, but this time I might actually have a point to make. You use some pretty good descriptive language here for the moonlight, but connecting it to the explosion might have been a mistake. The way I see it, the 'explosion of light' isn't actually connected to the moonlight at all, so implying that there could be a cause/effect relationship between the two just muddles up the imagery for the readers.

Anyway, I'll move on now.

"It took a few steps toward me. I was terrified. I was prepared to make a run for the door but I froze. "Did I wake you up?" the silhouette asked. I recognised the voice though it gave a chill."

I don't usually point out spelling or grammar mistakes, being really bad at the kind of thing myself, but you spelled 'recognized' wrong here (I have Grammarly, so it's literally underlined in red for me right now, else I wouldn't have noticed it).

Now, getting to my real point in this, the last line here, "I recognized it the voice though it gave me a chill" reads as kinda clunky. Try adding a comma between 'voice' and 'though', or maybe just change up the sentence altogether. Having it phrased like this is a bit misleading, and fails to add tension in the way that is could.

If it were me writing this (which I am fully aware that it is not, and feel the need to remind you that ignoring everything I say is totally fine, do what you like), I would have split this into two sentences. Let me explain what you did before I show you what I would do, though, because I believe that if I'm going to correct someone on something, they absolutely have to know why what they did in the first place didn't work for me. No exceptions.

So, here we go (remember when I said I was nitpicky? This is what I meant. Prepare to have your mind blown by how long I can go on about nine words). The way that you phrase it, it sounds like the fact that the narrator recognized the voice has nothing to do with the (presumably resulting) chill. The way that is said puts the recognition of the voice before the chill, and the word 'though' makes it sound like the narrator got a chill despite the fact that they recognized the voice.

Am I making sense? Probably not. All well, let's see if it means more to you after I show what I would have done instead.

Speaking of which, here we go. So, if I wrote the line, it would probably be one of these, "I heard a sound, and a chill ran down my spine. I knew that voice." or, "The voice, though I knew it, gave me a chill."

The first one gives the aesthetic I would have been going for, kinda creepy, suspenseful, and the other one is a little closer to your writing style (I said closer, not an exact match, I don't know you, I can't get into your head in the way that I would have to in order to replicate your writing style).

Anyway, I don't really have time to comb through the rest of your piece quite like this, and I assume you don't have the time to read through something as dense and ultra-detailed as what I would make were I to go through and review (let's face it) pretty much every line (because I'm THAT person), so I'm just going to skip to my general thoughts.

First things first -or rather, in the middle, because I've been rambling for a little while now- I really did like this piece. It was well written and nicely put together in a way that I don't usually see, so well done. The twist at the end (or more toward the middle really), and the re-write of the first scene was pretty clever, and certainly not something I expected. I know I went on for quite some time on individual lines, but really, I don't care nearly as much as I seem to. Those things, though I went into them with great detail and probably more aggression than I intended, are pretty minute and inconsequential in the long run. You really are a good writer, I'm just kinda a jerk, don't take it personally.

Anyway, that's all I have for now, goodbye and happy writing!




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 4400
Reviews: 60

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2019 9:13 am
silvermoon17 says...



Hello hello
So to begin with, I really liked this story because the tone is set easily and we feel things for.. Tajiti..? Anyways, if you made a part 2, I’d probably read it. Now, let’s talk a bit about it. First of all, the stakes. OK, this is a short and all- but where are the stakes? The main character does presumably nothing. There are no antagonists. And the Dr as well as the scientific just talk and talk- and even though it gives us sympathy for the main character, there still are no stakes! Stakes, is basically what makes you feel, love, understand and become the character. Possible stakes here could’ve been that Tajiti sets off the find his dead relative, but that something happens (like a murder people think he’s done, or this is a dystopian and his relative was killed by the governors because she was against all that- so that makes Tajiti a fugitive as well) I dunno, but the stakes are important. In this short, there is no character development, no plot which, one way or another; moved forward- it’s just people talking, people seeing relatives and people giving out testimonies. Stakes would’ve made this thing much, much more savory.




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 4400
Reviews: 60

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2019 9:13 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Hello hello
So to begin with, I really liked this story because the tone is set easily and we feel things for.. Tajiti..? Anyways, if you made a part 2, I’d probably read it. Now, let’s talk a bit about it. First of all, the stakes. OK, this is a short and all- but where are the stakes? The main character does presumably nothing. There are no antagonists. And the Dr as well as the scientific just talk and talk- and even though it gives us sympathy for the main character, there still are no stakes! Stakes, is basically what makes you feel, love, understand and become the character. Possible stakes here could’ve been that Tajiti sets off the find his dead relative, but that something happens (like a murder people think he’s done, or this is a dystopian and his relative was killed by the governors because she was against all that- so that makes Tajiti a fugitive as well) I dunno, but the stakes are important. In this short, there is no character development, no plot which, one way or another; moved forward- it’s just people talking, people seeing relatives and people giving out testimonies. Stakes would’ve made this thing much, much more savory.




User avatar
161 Reviews


Points: 8560
Reviews: 161

Donate
Sun May 26, 2019 5:10 am
Liberty500 wrote a review...



Hey Meherazul!

Hope you're dping well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to drop of a review on your story. But before I start, if you see any stupid mistakes orbspelling errors in my review, forgive me, as I am on the phone. Not a computer or laptop. But anyways, onto the review.

This was a very well writen story and you did a great job with tackilng sofferent point of views. I find that very difficult. I tried doing that once... *shudder* It was so bad. Anyhoo, good job! Just three things I wanted to mention. Number one:

I thought was being funny but now I know I really wondered about it. She said she was here anyway and she was here to tell me something.


These two sentences don't quite make sense. Maybe you could camhange it up a bit so that your readers could understand? That'd be nice. Number two:

You moved really fast through the story. You didn't really... Explain much and just like @SophieR said, I would definitely suggest slowing down, taking it easy, and elaborating here and there. I hope you understand what I mean. Number three:

Like I said, I'm not very good with point of views and I was kinda thrown off track when your tense changed. Because it went from past tense to present tense and I had to hold my horses! So, you could maybe explain of point of views are meant to be like that or not. Either way, I really enjoyed reading this piece and would live to see more from you soon. And, oh, before I forget, if you found anything I said as a rude comment, please tell me or just ignore it, alright? Okay. :D

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500






Hi, Liberty!

I understand the pacing issue. I'll try to work on it. Honestly, I sort of rushed it.

About the tense changes%u2014in my mind, it went from past to present, then from present to the same point in the past but from a different POV. "But is any narrator ever truly reiliable?" Maybe that was one of the questions I was asking.

"I thought was being funny but now I know I really wondered about it. She said she was here anyway and she was here to tell me something." %u2014I messed these lines up real bad. Maybe I'll fix it on the edit%u2014if that ever happens. But the main idea is that Tajiti asked the question as a joke but a part of him wondered if Arii really climbed up.

Anyways!

Thank you so much for the review!



Liberty500 says...


Your welcome! That makes sense. Thanks. :)



User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 155
Reviews: 54

Donate
Sun May 26, 2019 1:10 am
SofieR wrote a review...



Hey there! Sofie here with a review. :)

Great job on this! I like the different points of view. I think playing with point of view like that is a challenge and you did a really good job with it. You have a rhythmic, poetic voice that is really soothing to read. If I had any criticism, is would be to watch your pacing, because the story feels a bit rushed. You can do this by elaborating on some words. For example;

"It took a few steps toward me. I was terrified. I was prepared to make a run for the door but I froze. "Did I wake you up?" the silhouette asked. I recognized the voice though it gave a chill."

Don't just say "I was terrified". Show us, in subtle ways, just how terrified the character is. Either through physical reactions or thoughts going on in their head.

Other than that, I don't really have any other notes. Good job, overall!






Thanks for the review, Sofie!

I understand what you said and I agree! The pacing could've been better.

Thanks again for your time!!




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket