GUARDIANS
Sudan Desert Savannah
The figure stood erect and resplendent in his armor, which encased in him from head to toe. He stood at rest with his arms behind his back in a military pose. He seemed quite ease considering he was surrounded by twenty of America’s best infantrymen from the battalion stationed in Kampala making quite of show the whole process as they rolled up to him. The theatrics of this commander didn't faze him as this was all going according to their plan.
“This is Captain Arthur Brown of 1st Armored Division of United States. You are suspected of being of a member of the mysterious terrorist organization known as GUARDIAN. Please identify yourself!”
The man stood resolute, making no gesture and saying nothing. The captain was quickly becoming frustrated with this goose hunt. They’d been moved to Uganda from the US in the last twelve hours and his head was still spinning from the jet lag.” I’m under orders to bring you to Kampala for questioning. If you resist, I've been given authorization to bring you in by force, “broadcast the Brown from the safety of one of the tanks. The armored man tilted his head slightly and broadcast back
“I will not surrender to you. If you return to Kampala now, I will let you go unharmed. However, if you continue to meddle in affairs outside the city, then I cannot be held responsible for the consequences.”
The captain was stunned-surrounded on all sides and yet he demanded their surrender?! He’d be damned if this fool would embarrass him and his men on the international stage. “ Dig your own grave then. All forces move in to secure the prisoner,” barked the Brown. Once
Now the suited figure brought his hands from behind his back and said,
“I’m afraid, captain, that you’re the one standing over a snake pit.”
With a loud keening sound two dozen specters seemed to emerge from the thin desert air like mirages on the horizon. They emerged in pieces as their armored suits switched from active camouflage to battle mode. The sound of the hostile specters instantly affected the soldiers outside of the tanks protective shield. The specters moved in as the sound of their call blinded the hapless soldiers allowing them to bind them with ease. A sticky foam seemed to emerge from their wrists like something out of a cheesy Spider-Man comic, yet the scene stunned Brown into a daze. However, the howl of a man writhing in confusion shook him from his stupor, and he quickly ordered,
“All units fire at will”. As the tanks targeted the man in the center, he just shook his head as the tanks surrounding him began to target him. His Heads-Up-Display began to light up occasionally as the infantry man managed to fire off a few rounds at random. The sensors in his suit were constantly displaying and updating the locations of the gunfire and even the beats of the individual human hearts surrounding him. As the tanks locked on, he whispered in his mic,
“Echo Team cease anti personnel operations and eliminate armor threat.”
Cool “Rogers” rang through his ears as his team began to swarm over the tanks like army ants on a Hercules beetles. Captain Brown knew that he was quickly losing the advantage as the clank of the armored wraiths rang across the armor of his vehicle. “All units fire on target,” Captain Brown ordered frantically. The thud of the shells being placed in the barrels of the tanks rang like gongs in the armored men’s ears. “Silver,” called one of the armored men across the net to the man standing in the center of this sci-fi spectacle, “they’re preparing to fire.”
“Roger that” called Silver “Amiee voice command override Double Trouble.”
“Command confirmed; initiating double overcharge power,” called the voice from the all the men’s helmets.”
Silver called back to Echo Team , “Don’t let them get off a shot or they’ll blow us all to hell.” The specter’s movement quickly changed from graceful to positively frenetic as Silver began series of somersaults, back flips and handsprings, attempting to keep the fools from blowing them all to kingdom come. A loud cacophony broke through the sound of the armors’ defenses as the units on the tanks began to bend the barrels back on themselves. A clamor broke out across the armor network as the men in them began to fear that their former weapons would become their tombs. The tank commanders demanded orders as they realized that without their main cannons they were helpless lest they attempt to use their mounted guns and be plucked from their vehicles.
“ALL U.S. FORCES STAND DOWN!” commanded Brown, knowing that there was no use in continuing this debacle. The wail of specters died suddenly, leaving behind by an aggressive silence. “Who’s in charge out there,” demanded Brown expecting a cocky reply across the net. Silver, however, had other plans. The silence was shattered as the hatch from the lead tank was torn from its holdings. The natural sunlight blinded the tank crew who shirked from it like roaches and the arid savanna air.
“Captain Brown if you would please join me topside, we can negotiate the terms of your surrender.” Now knowing full well the power of the suits, Brown called out to Silver.
“How do I know you won’t slaughter all of us as soon as I do?”
A chuckle rained down from the hatch, “Captain you should know in over a dozen engagements with the Lord’s Resistance Army and Ugandan People Defense Force that not a single casualty has been inflicted. Not only that but we've turned over all defeated combatants to UN rather than have them suffer the local justice at the hands Museveri.”
The captain slowly peeked his head out from the armored tank husks that were once the pride of the army. An armored hand reached down to him, and he took the armored figures hand, feeling the heat of the armor plating. He knew that if the figures could bend gun barrels, and tear off tank hatches then turning the bones in his hand to gravel would be an easy feat. Now, finally face to face with the armored man, he realized that the armor lacked a visor. The helmet of the armor featured only an indented sensor strip running from the forehead to the chin. The lack of facial perceptions stunned Brown, so Silver saved him the trouble of starting the conversation by simply saying, “You can call me Silver.” Brown’s reply was simple as well,
“Captain Arthur Brown, 22577, born August 26, 1983.”
Silver held a hand stifling any further conversation and said, “You can hold the formalities captain; we have no intention of holding. We are not classified as a lawful force under the Geneva Convention and as such choose not to take POWs. We will however be disarming you.”
As Silver said that, the surrounding armored wraiths began to approach the infantrymen who hadn’t been restrained earlier. A loud clanging sound rang out as a jumpy solider fired a full clip from his rifle into the one of the specters. The figure jerked and twitched until he fell under the heavy fusillade. Brown’s dark complexion became grim and blanched as he watched the fool seal their fate. “Enough with the theatrics Smiley,” emitted Silver’s suit. The “dead man” quickly sprang to his feet and ripped the rifle from the infantryman’s hands. The man watched in horror as the figure before him slowly bent the barrel until it touched the stock. The other suited figures continued to move throughout the crowd doing the same to all the weapons in the vicinity. The rifles became blocky rectangles and the pistols became balls of dense metal. They didn't bother messing with the grenades, as they wouldn't even scratch the suits armor. The occasional loud wrenching sound rang out as the specters worked in trios to tear the hatches from the remaining tanks. The horrified tank crews offered little resistance as Silver finished his conversation with Brown. “We should be finished disarming your forces shortly; and from the sound of your mike, I can tell that your tank commanders are finding their systems completely inoperable,” said Silver. An armored figure placed his hand on Silver’s shoulder, drawing his attention. As Brown watched, they seemed to share some kind of exchange, but he couldn't be sure. Silver returned his attention to Brown and said with finality, “We will be attaching a beacon to your lead tank. The beacon will send a distress signal to the Armored Brigade Stationed in Kampala. Please do not attempt to tamper with it as it will self-destruct and then you’ll just have walk back to Kampala. We will safeguard your troops until your transports arrive. You won’t be able to see us, but we will be able to see you. So behave yourselves and we won’t have to finish cuffing the rest of your men.” As Silver finished speaking, the calves of the resplendent knight’s armor popped open and a hissing announced a thick white fog that obscured vision. When the fog cleared, Silver and his band of lost boys were gone.
2 Hours Later
As they watched, the last of Brown’s men board Stryker A.P.C.s Silver chimed in over the net to the men scattered in rough perimeter around the tank husks, “This is Silver, Echo Team scatter and rendezvous at Lake Destiny. Last one back does 1000 push-ups.” Laughs rang out across the net as the men knew with the IMPACT suits 1000 push-ups would be a cakewalk. He watched as green diamonds denoting his men disappeared in every direction across the horizon.
“Sergeant Major,” said a soft, soothing, female voice that filled his suit, “would you like me to deactivate the overcharge status on Echo Team’s suits?” “Affirmative,” replied Silver neutrally. He still wasn’t sure whether he fully trusted Aimee, the first practical artificial intelligence, as she inhabited literally all of electronic systems that GUARDIAN used including the IMPACT suits.
There was no manual associated with her, and with her self-learning algorithms, her abilities were practically limitless. She had easily destroyed the tanks’ systems not because their counter systems weren’t top notch, but because they were composed of chips and circuits. A human could only input through a keyboard to interact with a computer system while Aimee could metaphorically use all five of her senses to interact with them as she literally inhabited the computer systems she hacked. As Merlin back at HQ liked to say, she was something that went bump in the night if you were a computer system. Due to the power Aimee had, he held a respectful suspicion and was careful to say only things he was prepared for her to hear.
The thoughts of Aimee cleared as the diamonds representing his men blinked to the horizons. He could see still them on the Heads-Up-Display, which beamed on to his faceplate. As he looked at the screen, he focused at the local area map on HUD, and it enlarged to show his men making good time back to the rendezvous. He was still amazed at one these suits were capable of. He’d decided he had better get a move on if he wanted to avoid doing the push-ups himself.
He broke into a medium jog as he allowed the suit to begin amplifying his strength. The suit began to recycle his kinetic energy thanks to a system of levers called Infinitrix, which allows the suit to use it’s user as a power source, harvesting his bio thermal and kinetic energy to maintain its charge in addition solar power system. As he began to move faster, it required less and less effort to move the suit. In a little over two minutes, he was moving at over 40 mph. As he moved across the savanna, he tried to stick to the shifting parts of the terrain. It was unlikely that they were being followed, but any tracker worth his salt would be able to follow a set of footprints back to the local HQ. As the terrain became more firm, he circled back and moved in great leaps and bounds to avoid leaving an obvious trail. After he felt he had made a mess any attempt at tracking, he arrived at Lake Destiny, known colloquially as Lake Wamala.
The lake was once a part of the great Lake Victoria herself but had long since lost that distinction. It now roughly covered around 100 square miles, making it a perfect place to hide the 200 deployed GUARDIANs scattered throughout it in squads of ten. Due to the authorities’ neglect, the lake had suffered from overfishing and poaching, severely depleting it as a food source and removing most of the large predators which might have caused them problems. Its lack of food also decreased the traffic around the lake to a handful of local tribes.
As he approached the water’s shores, he looked out across the water in the twilight haze to ensure the local tribe wasn't looking in his direction. He was hyper-vigilant as the suit plating flipped from micro camera-ed stealth mode to the plated composite of Titanium, Aluminum and depleted Uranium. The micro cameras of the suit were incapable of maintaining an image in water due to the light bending effects of the water itself. For this reason water was one of the major weaknesses of the IMPACT suit. The rippling of the plates was quiet but to Silver’s worried ears it sounded like firecrackers going off. However, the villagers didn't turn, and he slowly slipped into the murky depths of destiny.
Once he reached the depths, he switched to thermal vision to see that the dissipating effect of the water was working as planned, breaking up the heat signatures of his men to a dull purple tone. He switched Friend-Or-Foe mode to find Pvt. Jenkins right where he had left him. The empty, green, outlined diamond denoted him as alive but that his suit was locked up effectively immobilizing him. As he moved to lie down, he called to him,
“Private Jenkins.” He imagined Jenkins jerking in response to the break in his sensory deprivation:
“You disobeyed a direct order from a commanding officer in the line of duty. As a result, I locked the controls on your suit and cut your communications. I believe you've been given ample time to come up with a response.”
Jenkins reply was soft but firm; “Sir, you ordered me to attack American servicemen. I swore an oath to protect America from threats both foreign and domestic, but I cannot consciously attack American personnel.”
Silver’s reply was quick as he had expected Jenkins would stand on the oath and he had no intention to let him do so. “I ordered you to neutralize them, not attack and not kill. If your concern had really been for the well being of those soldiers, you would have been there to make sure we didn't over do things rather than throwing up your hands and refusing to play ball. Your outburst could have endangered everyone’s lives, including those men you seem so concerned for. I could have you executed on the spot but Colonel Stride has given me a broad discretion to operate as the onsite commander. So let me ask you this; feeling as you do now, can you follow my orders? Don’t try to lie to me, son. Your suit’s vitals will let me know.”
Jenkins reply was long in coming, but he replied resolutely, “I believe that we can bring peace to this country and this world with the power we've been given. I don’t know if I can attack the U.S. troops stationed here. My brother is stationed in the 82nd.” “Well then, Alan, I think you should be out there looking out for him rather than laying on the bottom of a lake feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Roger that sir, I agree,” replied Jenkins quietly.
“Aimee unlock suit 043” was the only reply Jenkins received.
Silver closed his eyes as he felt the hard jab of the intravenous food supply entering his left arm. He watched the sunset from the lake’s murky depths as most of his men likely were, hoping to divine the future through the haze. 300 Spartans had held back the Persian horde at Thermopylae, but this was something entirely different. For GUARDIANs warriors were tasked with erasing the desire for war from the collective human conscious.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
This story is very cool. The use of the armor made it very fun and exciting. I must say that it was a little confusing about the communications between silver and his troops. I didn't understand that very well. Other than that I think this story has what it takes to become a very cool and exciting story. I think that the best thing is to continue telling it from both point of views and make sure you keep silver as sophisticated as you can. I can tell that he will be many readers favorite character. I know that he is mine for sure.
I unfortunately admit that I only skimmed this. The paragraphs are far too large for me to quickly read. Also, I spotted a massive paragraph that needs to dealt with. Remember that you start a new paragraph with every new idea. Also, you start a new paragraph whenever someone new is talking.
It should be as following;
As Silver said that, the surrounding armored wraiths began to approach the infantrymen who hadn’t been restrained earlier. A loud clanging sound rang out as a jumpy solider fired a full clip from his rifle into the one of the specters. The figure jerked and twitched until he fell under the heavy fusillade. Brown’s dark complexion became grim and blanched as he watched the fool seal their fate.
“Enough with the theatrics Smiley,” emitted Silver’s suit. The “dead man” quickly sprang to his feet and ripped the rifle from the infantryman’s hands. The man watched in horror as the figure before him slowly bent the barrel until it touched the stock. The other suited figures continued to move throughout the crowd doing the same to all the weapons in the vicinity. The rifles became blocky rectangles and the pistols became balls of dense metal. They didn't bother messing with the grenades, as they wouldn't even scratch the suits armor. The occasional loud wrenching sound rang out as the specters worked in trios to tear the hatches from the remaining tanks. The horrified tank crews offered little resistance as Silver finished his conversation with Brown.
“We should be finished disarming your forces shortly; and from the sound of your mike, I can tell that your tank commanders are finding their systems completely inoperable,” said Silver. An armored figure placed his hand on Silver’s shoulder, drawing his attention. As Brown watched, they seemed to share some kind of exchange, but he couldn't be sure.
Silver returned his attention to Brown and said with finality, “We will be attaching a beacon to your lead tank. The beacon will send a distress signal to the Armored Brigade Stationed in Kampala. Please do not attempt to tamper with it as it will self-destruct and then you’ll just have walk back to Kampala. We will safeguard your troops until your transports arrive. You won’t be able to see us, but we will be able to see you. So behave yourselves and we won’t have to finish cuffing the rest of your men.” As Silver finished speaking, the calves of the resplendent knight’s armor popped open and a hissing announced a thick white fog that obscured vision. When the fog cleared, Silver and his band of lost boys were gone.
I would suggest that in the monologue just above, that you separate it in a manner such as this;
"We will be attaching a beacon to your lead tank. The beacon," -Silver took a pause to breathe and to respectively capture the attention of those listening- "will send a distress signal to the Armored Brigade Stationed in Kampala."
I'm sure that if I sat and read this, I could find many more errors, but this is a good start.
This story is a very good beginning! Good luck!
Hey Meddle! I love science fiction and I’ve been itching to do some reviews lately and there simply isn’t the demand there once was on YWS, so thanks for providing us with some work to review. I’m mostly going to focus on plot/factual advice because grammatical errors usually are sorted out by proof reading.
GUARDIANS
Sudan Desert Savannah
The figure stood erect and resplendent in his armor, which encased in him from head to toe. He stood at rest with his arms behind his back in a military pose. He seemed quite ease considering he was surrounded by twenty of America’s best infantrymen from the battalion stationed in Kampala making quite of show the whole process as they rolled up to him. The theatrics of this commander didn't faze him as this was all going according to their plan.
“This is Captain Arthur Brown of 1st Armored Division of United States. You are suspected of being of a member of the mysterious terrorist organization known as GUARDIAN. Please identify yourself!”
The man stood resolute, making no gesture and saying nothing. The captain was quickly becoming frustrated with this goose hunt. They’d been moved to Uganda from the US in the last twelve hours and his head was still spinning from the jet lag.” I’m under orders to bring you to Kampala for questioning. If you resist, I've been given authorization to bring you in by force, “broadcast the Brown from the safety of one of the tanks. The armored man tilted his head slightly and broadcast back
“I will not surrender to you. If you return to Kampala now, I will let you go unharmed. However, if you continue to meddle in affairs outside the city, then I cannot be held responsible for the consequences.”
The captain was stunned-surrounded on all sides and yet he demanded their surrender?! He’d be damned if this fool would embarrass him and his men on the international stage. “ Dig your own grave then. All forces move in to secure the prisoner,” barked the Brown. Once
Now the suited figure brought his hands from behind his back and said,
“I’m afraid, captain, that you’re the one standing over a snake pit.”
With a loud keening sound two dozen specters seemed to emerge from the thin desert air like mirages on the horizon. They emerged in pieces as their armored suits switched from active camouflage to battle mode. The sound of the hostile specters instantly affected the soldiers outside of the tanks protective shield. The specters moved in as the sound of their call blinded the hapless soldiers allowing them to bind them with ease. A sticky foam seemed to emerge from their wrists like something out of a cheesy Spider-Man comic, yet the scene stunned Brown into a daze. However, the howl of a man writhing in confusion shook him from his stupor, and he quickly ordered,
[You use the term “seemed to” a lot. Be careful, because this stuff is all happening, isn’t it? So it doesn’t seem like it’s happening, it is happening!]
“All units fire at will”. As the tanks targeted the man in the center, he just shook his head as the tanks surrounding him began to target him. His Heads-Up-Display began to light up occasionally as the infantry man managed to fire off a few rounds at random. [You called them the best infantryman in America yet they’re firing at random?] The sensors in his suit were constantly displaying and updating the locations of the gunfire and even the beats of the individual human hearts surrounding him. As the tanks locked on, he whispered in his mic,
“Echo Team cease anti personnel operations and eliminate armor threat.”
Cool “Rogers” rang through his ears as his team began to swarm over the tanks like army ants on a Hercules beetles. Captain Brown knew that he was quickly losing the advantage as the clank of the armored wraiths rang across the armor of his vehicle. “All units fire on target,” Captain Brown ordered frantically. The thud of the shells being placed in the barrels of the tanks rang like gongs in the armored men’s ears. “Silver,” called one of the armored men across the net to the man standing in the center of this sci-fi spectacle, “they’re preparing to fire.”
“Roger that” called Silver “Amiee voice command override Double Trouble.”
“Command confirmed; initiating double overcharge power,” called the voice from the all the men’s helmets.”
[I’m very lost at this point. Unfortunately, it’s mostly because of your sentence structure and it needs heavy review. I’m not sure who Silver and Brown are relative to the ominous armoured guy, although I know Brown is the tank commander.]
Silver called back to Echo Team , “Don’t let them get off a shot or they’ll blow us all to hell.” The specter’s movement quickly changed from graceful to positively frenetic as Silver began series of somersaults, back flips and handsprings, attempting to keep the fools from blowing them all to kingdom come. A loud cacophony broke through the sound of the armors’ defenses as the units on the tanks began to bend the barrels back on themselves. A clamor broke out across the armor network as the men in them began to fear that their former weapons would become their tombs. The tank commanders demanded orders as they realized that without their main cannons they were helpless lest they attempt to use their mounted guns and be plucked from their vehicles.
“ALL U.S. FORCES STAND DOWN!” commanded Brown, knowing that there was no use in continuing this debacle. The wail of specters died suddenly, leaving behind by an aggressive silence. “Who’s in charge out there,” demanded Brown expecting a cocky reply across the net. Silver, however, had other plans. The silence was shattered as the hatch from the lead tank was torn from its holdings. The natural sunlight blinded the tank crew who shirked from it like roaches and the arid savanna air.
[I think it’s important that you more solidly need to define what a Specter is. I’m able to assume it’s some kind of super soldier that benefits from a semi-powered suit of armour, but that’s only because I’ve played/read/watched a LOT of sci-fi. A casual reader new to the genre might struggle with that.]
“Captain Brown if you would please join me topside, we can negotiate the terms of your surrender.” Now knowing full well the power of the suits, Brown called out to Silver.
“How do I know you won’t slaughter all of us as soon as I do?”
A chuckle rained down from the hatch, “Captain you should know in over a dozen engagements with the Lord’s Resistance Army and Ugandan People Defense Force that not a single casualty has been inflicted. Not only that but we've turned over all defeated combatants to UN rather than have them suffer the local justice at the hands Museveri.”
The captain slowly peeked his head out from the armored tank husks that were once the pride of the army. An armored hand reached down to him, and he took the armored figures hand, feeling the heat of the armor plating. He knew that if the figures could bend gun barrels, and tear off tank hatches then turning the bones in his hand to gravel would be an easy feat. Now, finally face to face with the armored man, he realized that the armor lacked a visor. The helmet of the armor featured only an indented sensor strip running from the forehead to the chin. The lack of facial perceptions stunned Brown, so Silver saved him the trouble of starting the conversation by simply saying, “You can call me Silver.” Brown’s reply was simple as well,
[Armour is used 7 times here. It get’s really repetitive.
“Captain Arthur Brown, 22577, born August 26, 1983.”
[I find this to be a really unrealistic way for Brown to introduce himself. Try something like “Captain Arthur Brown, 1st Armoured.” He wouldn’t be in a rush to give his ID number or his date of birth.]
Silver held a hand stifling any further conversation and said, “You can hold the formalities captain; we have no intention of holding. We are not classified as a lawful force under the Geneva Convention and as such choose not to take POWs. We will however be disarming you.”
[Lawful combatants are anyone wearing a recognised uniform, openly carrying arms, actively partaking in hostilities and with an organised command structure. Be careful citing law, especially the Geneva Conventions. I just finished a course in Law, Force and Legitimacy in the Law of Armed Conflict, and it gets really sticky when defining a lawful combatant.]
As Silver said that, the surrounding armored wraiths began to approach the infantrymen who hadn’t been restrained earlier. A loud clanging sound rang out as a jumpy solider fired a full clip from his rifle into the one of the specters. The figure jerked and twitched until he fell under the heavy fusillade. Brown’s dark complexion became grim and blanched as he watched the fool seal their fate. “Enough with the theatrics Smiley,” emitted Silver’s suit. The “dead man” quickly sprang to his feet and ripped the rifle from the infantryman’s hands. The man watched in horror as the figure before him slowly bent the barrel until it touched the stock. The other suited figures continued to move throughout the crowd doing the same to all the weapons in the vicinity. The rifles became blocky rectangles and the pistols became balls of dense metal. They didn't bother messing with the grenades, as they wouldn't even scratch the suits armor. The occasional loud wrenching sound rang out as the specters worked in trios to tear the hatches from the remaining tanks. The horrified tank crews offered little resistance as Silver finished his conversation with Brown. “We should be finished disarming your forces shortly; and from the sound of your mike, I can tell that your tank commanders are finding their systems completely inoperable,” said Silver. An armored figure placed his hand on Silver’s shoulder, drawing his attention. As Brown watched, they seemed to share some kind of exchange, but he couldn't be sure. Silver returned his attention to Brown and said with finality, “We will be attaching a beacon to your lead tank. The beacon will send a distress signal to the Armored Brigade Stationed in Kampala. Please do not attempt to tamper with it as it will self-destruct and then you’ll just have walk back to Kampala. We will safeguard your troops until your transports arrive. You won’t be able to see us, but we will be able to see you. So behave yourselves and we won’t have to finish cuffing the rest of your men.” As Silver finished speaking, the calves of the resplendent knight’s armor popped open and a hissing announced a thick white fog that obscured vision. When the fog cleared, Silver and his band of lost boys were gone.
[This is a pretty cool first encounter with the mysterious Specters. You just need to be a bit more precise in describing both the Specters, using terms other than ‘armoured’ and perhaps making the US soldiers more than essentially cowards. I don’t really understand why these super soldiers are destroying all their weapons but defending them at the point.]
2 Hours Later
As they watched, the last of Brown’s men board Stryker A.P.C.s Silver chimed in over the net to the men scattered in rough perimeter around the tank husks, “This is Silver, Echo Team scatter and rendezvous at Lake Destiny. Last one back does 1000 push-ups.” Laughs rang out across the net as the men knew with the IMPACT suits 1000 push-ups would be a cakewalk. He watched as green diamonds denoting his men disappeared in every direction across the horizon.
“Sergeant Major,” said a soft, soothing, female voice that filled his suit, “would you like me to deactivate the overcharge status on Echo Team’s suits?” “Affirmative,” replied Silver neutrally. He still wasn’t sure whether he fully trusted Aimee, the first practical artificial intelligence, as she inhabited literally all of electronic systems that GUARDIAN used including the IMPACT suits.
There was no manual associated with her, and with her self-learning algorithms, her abilities were practically limitless. She had easily destroyed the tanks’ systems not because their counter systems weren’t top notch, but because they were composed of chips and circuits. A human could only input through a keyboard to interact with a computer system while Aimee could metaphorically use all five of her senses to interact with them as she literally inhabited the computer systems she hacked. As Merlin back at HQ liked to say, she was something that went bump in the night if you were a computer system. Due to the power Aimee had, he held a respectful suspicion and was careful to say only things he was prepared for her to hear.
[Nice, I really like the way you’ve set up the AI here.]
[I didn’t have any more specific points for the rest of the story, so I won’t post it here because that’s essentially fraud when it comes to your character count for reviews. My closing comments are below;]
[I do like the premise that you’ve established here, I actually think it’s awesome. I think you need to give away a bit more earlier though, I have no idea who these GUARDIANs are affiliated with, nor do I know who employs them considering the only nationality you’ve identified within them is American. Other than that, the piece has great potential. You definitely need to review your sentence structure and grammar and examine the way you repeat words often. In any case, keep it up, I want to see more!]
Hey, Flame here!
!
I admit that I only skimmed this, as the sheer size of your paragraphs was a bit distracting. But I hope that I can offer a helpful point or two.
I'll tell you right off, I like to focus on fluency more than the plotline. I'm also stepping out of my comfort zone here, because the majority of my reviews are on novellas. Makes you special, I suppose!
Okay, you were probably taught to avoid passive voice, but you need a little more variety. Your sentences in the beginning were all constructed the same way: subject + verb + complete thought. You catch the reader's attention when you break up lines, isolate fragments, use less active voice, and insert some dependent clauses. Try reading your piece out loud. It could help you spot the choppier parts, teach you where to maintain balance.
And splitting up the paragraphs would, as Lucrezia mentioned, do a lot for the reader. When everything is knotted together, the meaning becomes obscure, the pace slows, and the reader promptly loses focus. I was overwhelmed just scrolling down
Last nitpick concerning fluency. There is a little simplifying that you could do. A misused article there, an unnecessary preposition here. For example, "In a addition" should be "In addition" and "which encased in him" should be "which encased him" or "which cased him."
Grammatical errors...
Really didn't spot any. You used commas after conjunctions in compound sentences, and no misused semicolons jumped out at me. Just switch "300" to "three-hundred" and break up a few paragraphs and sentences, and your piece will be sparkling!
Overall, this was great. You developed your characters well, and your descriptions were the perfect length. Keep it up! Can't wait to read more of your work!
Hey Golden Flame,
I appreciate your great feedback. I'm currently working on this one right now so I'll add your suggestions to my list of things to work on for this story.
Best Regards,
Meddle
No problem!
Hey Meddle!
First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy yourself here.
Now, I love Science fiction, it's my favorite genre. So I had to check out your short story.
And, as far as shorts go, it's an okay piece. I do hope you explain a lot more as you continue it though, as I have a hard time understanding what is going on. I'll go over this.
There are a lot of problems with the story, most notably; The entire piece is a giant wall of text!
This story isn't all too long, but the text format made it so hard to get though. It strains the readers eyes, makes it harder to read and just looks terrible. Break it up into more paragraphs.
Okay, opening paragraph. I have no clue what is going on. Who is this guy? Who are the GUARDIANS? What is the US Army doing in Sudan? This opening would be acceptable if you expanded on this later in the story, but it never comes up. Even though it's a neat opening, we need some background.
The 82nd Armored Division is quite a famous one. In WWII...not anymore. I'll get back to dates later.
Here your text format is already starting to cramp up and it is getting hard to figure out who is talking. To make it worse, you forgot a space in this line.
Why did you use a hyphen here?
Alright, now we move into your third paragraph. And it gets very difficult to keep up with what is happening here. To be honest, I had no idea what these specters were while reading it. I didn't realize they were just dudes in tech armor until later in the story.
Due to the format, the dialogue in most of the remaining story is hard to follow. At one point you drop the name "Silver" and I was unsure of who this was until reading through it a 2nd time.
Which bring me to another point. You describe little to nothing about your characters. "Silver" and the Captain could be two brilliant rivals in warfare (or guerilla warfare). Similar to Rommel and Montgomery. The only thing we know about the Captain is his name, and I'm guessing Silver is the leader of the "Guardians".
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He was already surrounded, right? In fact, I don't find them outsmarting "America’s best infantrymen" very believable. They would definately have responded earlier, and Silver would be toast.
You mention this a couple of times. What is the 'net'?
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This, as well as the above mention of Museveni, grounds your story and puts it in current events and timelines. Though a lot of science fiction stories can center on the current age, this one doesn't quite feel right to me. Especially with technology that doesn't excist yet. You even mix this with military vehicles from the 80s.
This is a good word. I had to look it up.
If you are going to pass time this way, putting them in italics makes them look better. And put a period on it.
You need to expand on this tech. Right now it feels like we're in a video game.
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The remainder of the short brings no new errors to the table, but still continues old ones. It is all a giant block of text, it's hard to follow who is talking and there is a lot of things you mention which we know very little about at this point.
Meddle, this might seem like a harsh review, but don't worry. I see a lot of stuff I like. And the problems, they can be easily fixed. I know a bunch of mine were, after only a short while on YWS.
As for the things I really liked, the suits and how they could generate speed were great. I loved Aimee, the artificial intelligence within the suits. The idea of a small group of "guerilla warriors" or "terrorists" making waves utilizing this technology is an interesting one. If I only knew what their motive was.
I hope to see more from you Meddle. Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hey Birkoff,
Rest assured I appreciate the frank analyze of my work. I've often been told I'm a master of crafting the story but I'm terrible at my technical detailing so your constructive criticism helps me to improve my skills. I'll get right on top of your suggested changes ,and once again I appreciate the feedback.
Best Regards,
Meddle
Your edits are already looking great.
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
You have a good piece here. It's intriguing from the start and pulls readers in immediately. That said, I feel I need to get RIGHT to the nitpicks because of how glaring they are.
Your main problem is the fact that there's not nearly enough paragraph breaks. This is not unusual; plenty of very talented people on the site don't have enough, or any, breaks. But it is something to be concerned about, because too few paragraph breaks makes it hard on the reader's eyes, aesthetically unpretty and unclear, and causes a lot of confusion as to which character is saying what.
Here's an example of what I like to call "the Ultimate Writer's Sin":
"“Roger that” called Silver “Amiee voice command override Double Trouble.” “Command confirmed; initiating double overcharge power,” called the voice from the all the men’s helmets."
I call this the Ultimate Sin because after ending Silver's dialogue, you immediately go into the next bit of dialogue without a break, causing there to be back-to-back quotes from two different people. This is a hellish mistake to make because a reader cannot easily decipher who's talking, it just looks confusing and like a block of text.
Luckily for you, there's an easy fix. Just go back, put in a paragraph break after Silver's dialogue ends, and there you go! (By the way, you make this mistake a few times, so be sure to go back and reread rather than just correcting this one only.)
Here's an example of how it should look, post-edit:
"“Roger that,” called Silver, “Amiee voice command override Double Trouble.”
“Command confirmed; initiating double overcharge power,” called the voice from all the men’s helmets."
See the difference?
Next, and this one's not too big a deal, but some of your quotes are backwards.
"They’d been moved to Uganda from the US in the last twelve hours and his head was still spinning from the jet lag.” I’m under orders to bring you to Kampala for questioning. If you resist, I’ve been given authorization to bring you in by force, “broadcast the man from the safety of one of the tanks."
After "jet lag," there's quotation marks that I assume were meant for the next sentence. Also, before the word "broadcast," there's another quotation mark that should be after the word "force" instead.
Here's an example of how it should look:
"They'd been moved to Uganda from the US in the last twelve hours and his head was still spinning from the jet lag.
"I'm under orders to bring you to Kampala for questioning. If you resist, I've been given authorization to bring you in by force," broadcast the man from the safety of one of the tanks."
See the difference?
Anyway. I'll leave you with those technical nitpicks to go back and fix. Honestly, though, receiving technical nitpicks is better than getting nitpicks on the actual contents of the story. Technical stuff is easy to fix; having to go back and completely change and rewrite a bad story is a LOT harder.
And your story was actually good! Once you fix the little things I mentioned, this will be awesome. Nice work!
Hey Lucrezia,
First off love the name, definitely one of my favorites.
Secondly, I really appreciate your technical nitpicking. It's much more useful feedback then just telling me it's good. Your comment has actually helped expose my weakness when it comes to writing, the technical maneuvers. I'll make the necessary changes tonight, as I continue to edit works to add to here.
I look forward to seeing your literary feats and working with you in the future.
Best Regards,
Meddle
I'm so glad to hear that! This is actually really good so I didn't want it to come off like I didn't like it or that I was being mean. You're a good writer---fix the technical stuff and you're all set.