Poetry, like an insidiously rhyming, cacophony

by MeanMrMustard

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published February 13, 2011

In Unedited Poems 2011

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As promised, this is dedicated to Kamas, a little gift for Valentines.


Seldom do I wander to read what writers ponder,
Quite often do they stumble in spectacularly shrewd jumbles.
And I can bet with my cynics mind's eye that these upstart Shelleys'
Multiply, as far as the sky can reach;
Do they find it a wonder that when they die
No body sheds even a blink?
So I toast to the Legion, of unremarkable taste and artistic waste,
A poem to the unnamed poet whose machinations were their end.


Note: Meant in satire and honesty. Make what you like of it, and give a review if you like. :smt001

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
MeanMrMustard
Comment
MeanMrMustard commented Comment · Feb 14, 2011

FLyerS wrote:hey Mean, Nice name by the way, after the Beatles song?

I don't like the first line. Something about it feels off...?
I LOVE the second line! Sparkle of brilliance here.
I like the first half of this one, change "Spectacularly shrewd"
I like the reference to the author of frankenstien, but "Cynic's mind's eye" is a little forced.
Average line, no comments.
Awkward line
Awkward line
I like this line very good. :)
Awkward line.

There was a line-by-line breakdown of my opinion of this piece. Sorry, I'm tough.


Better tough than to mollycoddle me! ; )

I left the title in for some reason, not sure if that was part of your review, if so keep that in mind, if not, never mind.
Shelley was actually a reference to her husband (especially with the inference towards emotion), but it could be taken either way.
The Cynic's part is meant to mirror bad writing, and to be painful to read. Though, I'm still not sure how to make it clear I'm being snarky towards other people's bad writing. Maybe put it in "quotes" and create that view?
Thanks for the comments!

User avatar
FLyerS
Review
FLyerS wrote a review Review · Feb 14, 2011

hey Mean, Nice name by the way, after the Beatles song?

I don't like the first line. Something about it feels off...?
I LOVE the second line! Sparkle of brilliance here.
I like the first half of this one, change "Spectacularly shrewd"
I like the reference to the author of frankenstien, but "Cynic's mind's eye" is a little forced.
Average line, no comments.
Awkward line
Awkward line
I like this line very good. :)
Awkward line.

There was a line-by-line breakdown of my opinion of this piece. Sorry, I'm tough.

User avatar
MeanMrMustard
Comment
MeanMrMustard commented Comment · Feb 14, 2011

I like this a lot better then your other poetry, as I've told you. But there is still some left to be desired yes?


Yes, lacking a human element to show any possible attachment and connection to humanity, hence remotely likable to the reader. (really I was fearing your review!)
BUT, yes, you're right. That wall has not come down yet.

I feel that despite the intelligence and purpose behind your words, it's overly wordy. Like you're trying to flaunt your vocabulary.


It's called being brittle and heartbroken, lost....and oh heck, just insert Pink Floyd's The Wall for my opinion. (That's not a good thing to compare yourself to Pink, I mean I'm not a rock star with a cheating wife or going to become a Neo-Nazi. Right? Are you insinuating something Kamas?!)
AND, yes, I agree. The question is how does this stop? More writing I suppose.

It may not be your devising, but to me it appears as almost a safety blanket for the expository nature of your poetry. It creates almost two separate layers to this poem with visible distinction: the language layer and the poetry layer. It's not working together.


Ok you got me, I can't get warm enough at night unless I'm both equally pretentious and vain in my writing; look smart and write awesome, with no emotional substance to boot!
THOUGH, I love this comment. You're very right, if not probably suspecting why I can't quite write like I should.

The satire is there, we can feel it, but the detachment of the language makes it less strong.


Yes, and? No really, seriously, continue this next time.

Poetry, like an insidiously rhyming, cacophony



This works, the language and the satire come together for a really strong sentence. It's entertaining, ironic and proves the satire.


Titles are down! Woot!

But afterwards it starts to fall apart and fork into two different directions. I learnt a while ago that the words you use are important at the same time as being not so much so. The words you use have to work together like puzzle pieces you fit into the story, the emotions, the poetic devices etc. It shouldn't be painted on top like they may create the images, emotions and create something somehow a strong poem.


So you're saying that I'm poetically challenged to you by 5 or more years? Well, gee!

I think it also says that I should probably....edit more and wait to put things up. I like the raw-ness of something, but you're right. The correct words and fine-tuning do something more justice than split decisions.

I do like the idea though. It's a cute satire that you've completed quite successfully and I enjoyed it.
Thanks for the dedication Mustard, I enjoyed it :3

Kamas


So when do we plan on children without me getting arrested more than once? Wait 5 years or so and see if we still shindig? : p

:smt002 Thank you Kamas, this was part exercise for me and you, and I did intend it for you at some point in time to see. I guess Valentines isn't all that BAD. For the doubt you express in a review, you took precise thoughts we've shared and found specific examples and also pin-pointed deeper possibilities.

So what do we do for Easter?

User avatar
Kamas
Review
Kamas wrote a review Review · Feb 14, 2011

I clearly have all these YWS boys madly in love with me.
I owe you like a million reviews, so spot saved for a critique.

---

I like this a lot better then your other poetry, as I've told you. But there is still some left to be desired yes? I feel that despite the intelligence and purpose behind your words, it's overly wordy. Like you're trying to flaunt your vocabulary.
It may not be your devising, but to me it appears as almost a safety blanket for the expository nature of your poetry. It creates almost two separate layers to this poem with visible distinction: the language layer and the poetry layer. It's not working together.

The satire is there, we can feel it, but the detachment of the language makes it less strong.

Poetry, like an insidiously rhyming, cacophony


This works, the language and the satire come together for a really strong sentence. It's entertaining, ironic and proves the satire.

But afterwards it starts to fall apart and fork into two different directions. I learnt a while ago that the words you use are important at the same time as being not so much so. The words you use have to work together like puzzle pieces you fit into the story, the emotions, the poetic devices etc. It shouldn't be painted on top like they may create the images, emotions and create something somehow a strong poem.

I do like the idea though. It's a cute satire that you've completed quite successfully and I enjoyed it.
Thanks for the dedication Mustard, I enjoyed it :3

Kamas



When a person tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide you didn't.
— Louis C. K.