she is rolled and mound from
tanned clay. the limbs, twigs drunk
and sun scorched, fresh from spruce
saplings where she was picked and placed
here: shapely, ripe. i smell syrup across
the apartment room, salivate, between
(only five feet,
olfactory gnawing
like tics on peach silk)
the cheap vinyl mat laid as
her table, it is like a baby's first blanket,
we are almost sanctimonious as
we manger on crouton topics that crunch with
undulations in centrifugal conversation tied
in the hip to the ceiling fan; a greased pig
squeals lapping at sweaty liquorice strands
dangling from her head, but with a shiver
they are raven's feathers; she sighs with a yawn
(my stomach squeals again).
a stray draft of wind
sheens the matte coat of her skin where
i fade in with the upholstery, the walls, the carpet;
the crops she tills, simmering in skillet turn
beige, vanilla, then brown as caramel,
spun and spooned like her hands are a potters
in a distant clay mound village, hands cradling precious crafts
too soft, too brittle, progeny reluctantly sold to
fill a black-hole; i wonder if she is thinking
of Islamabad.
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Canary word: Present
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Love this poem but don't have the time to go into depth so I'm just making you aware of a few errors.
Not a verb.
Either this should be singular or given a possessive apostrophe. Or you could axe the "a" and make it, "like her hands are potters"
One other nitpick: I didn't like the repetition of "squeels" as seen here.
Sorry this review is so superficial. I'll write a lot more on other aspects next time I give you a review. =)
By reading this at first glance, I'm not even sure if this is a poem or just someone narrating or describing her fantasies. There was some capitalization errors with the 'I' and I think the first letter of every line should be capitalized. The poem felt a little bit rushed for me, It would have been better if it was divided to give the reader a breather. It's not easy to take in all that message at once. So in order to make this more appealing, I think this poem needs to be revised and reconstructed. But It's just my opinion. Excellent grammar by the way. Keep writing
Great! I loved how much you described everything. It really makes the little details seem bigger and more realistic. Keep up the good work.