Me no good at poetry so please bear with me. I had to write a poem for school about work and this is what I got. Rip it apart if you must. Also, any new suggestions on the title will be helpful.
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Every four days he would come home,
smiling or frowning.
Every four days when he came home,
he would always complain about work.
Always he complained about the foremen or the other drivers.
I recall him saying the graders were in terrible shape.
They were junk.
Yet, he managed to come home with hilarious stories
about what happened in the coalmine that day.
Between this and that I got confused.
I wasn’t sure if work was enjoyable or ghastly.
Maybe, just maybe it is his fault
I don’t like to work.
Work must not be fun at all.
Work must be a dreary job;
no chance of having fun or anything.
I don’t wish to be tied down by work
and come home complaining about it.
But I see many people who are happy in their job.
So I sit here wondering,
is it really his fault?
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141,470 Literary Works • 674,492 Reviews
Thank-you both of you. This was an assignment I had to do with my observations or experiences with the work world. I couldn't think of a catchy title and so I just slapped something together. And failed
I've already fixed it up a bit and will put the edited version on here soon. The speaker is me and the "he" I always referred to is my father *shrugs*
Thanks again!
Meadow
in bold are the references and minor additions, strikethroughs are omissions, comments are italicized-underlined
I placed several comments and tweaks, but as I normally say during my reviews, these are not corrections but mere suggestions. This is still your choice, this is your poem.
I like this slice of life poem you made here, but I'd have to agree that it needs a catchier title. (something that you have to come up with on your own. You might want to ask yourself "what is this poem really trying to say?" and name it after a simplified version of your answer)
This was an easy read, good for entertainment and very refreshing.
Keep at it.
-Tyler
I like this. It's like a snippet of an experience and I want to know more about the characters. Is the speaker a boy or a girl? Is the "he" the speaker's father? You've definitely written something that captures my attention.
To me, this piece reads like prose. There doesn't really seem to be a reason for why you put the line breaks where you did. If it were me, I would just write it as a paragraph or two and let it be. But to make it more poetic, I would suggest giving it a distinct rhythm. Maybe rewrite it in iambic pentameter?
I don't like the word hilarious here. Too informal, perhaps.
Here, I think the word choice (enjoyable, ghastly) seems too elevated for the context.
I think adding a that here would make this a bit more clear.
The word must can be read two different ways:
1. Work must not be fun at all. (I forbid work to be fun.)
2. Work must not be fun at all. (Work seems like it is not fun at all.)
One is like a command and the other is more speculative. Here, I cannot tell which must you mean.
Also, sticking "or anything" on the end of the sentence totally takes the power from the statement. It makes your writing seem half-hearted.
If I were to rewrite this, I would say, "I don't want to be the type of person who comes home complaining about work." That's just me.
The ending leaves me confused. Asking "Is it really his fault?" seems to imply that perhaps it's someone else's fault. It's like the speaker is suddenly covering up for him and not wanting to blame him. I think a more specific ending would be stronger.
I like what you've done.
Please take my advice with a grain of salt!
-rachel