I would like to thank niteowl, *writewatiwant* and Princess for their wonderful tips. Thank-you so much!! I tried my hardest to fix this poem up and I got rid of many of those pesky pleas. Halelujah! Ahem, please do tear it to shreds when you critic this. It helps me a lot lol. I hope it has improved.
Cloak of Fear
Beneath the blood red moon
where an ancient evil did hide,
it sang a ghostly tune and bent their pride
The people lived in fear waiting to be saved.
A minstrel rode into town in a violent storm.
The wind ripped through the trees and rattled the windows
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
Take away our fear
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
And we’ll follow…
The people trembled as the begged the newcomer.
The minstrel sat menacingly upon his mare,
as a sorrowful song filled the air
A song full of pain and hatred
He beckoned to the people to listen,
but they turned a deaf ear to him
The mare snorted and pranced
The evil angrily shook the earth
Then, stepping forwards, was an old man with a wide girth
He belittled the minstrel for all to hear
The minstrel raised his harp and began to sing
The evil rose from the soil in the shape of a monstrous dog
The people screamed and scattered
As the thing gave a tremendous roar
And it took off and began to gore
The minstrel stood there in silence as he watched the scene
Anger sat upon his handsome face
Angry at the people for letting their fear run free
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
Take away our fear
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
And we’ll follow…
His beautiful voice rose up over the screams
The thing paused in its rampage to glare
The people watched the minstrel upon his mare,
as he gently plucked the strings of the harp
A sweet, joyous melody came forth.
The old man threw his cane to the ground in anger.
Their hopes were raised and their hearts grew light
The thing gave out an anguished growl
As their fear began to unfold like a towel
The evil gave one last hiss before it vanished
The minstrel stopped his singing,
as he turned to glare at the people.
“Why did you not do that first?” the people asked
“I did but you heard what your heart spoke,
Your fear was like a heavy cloak”
The minstrel began to play and sing again
As the people danced merrily around
They stomped the hard, hard ground
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
Take away our fear
Sing for us, minstrel, sing
And we’ll follow…
The elderly man angrily shook his cane,
Hatred on his wrinkled face.
He left the town in a surprisingly swift pace
The minstrel explained the evil to the people
An evil that only hate can summon
And the old man’s hatred had indeed brought the creature
Less than a year before there was a murder
A murder of the treacherous sort
The man was tried and convicted at court
He was hung the following day.
The only man that mourned his death was a brother
A brother who was bent on getting revenge.
The people think about him now and then
That handsome stranger who saved them
When their fear had caused great mayhem
He saved them with a simple song
Of joy and happiness
Such a simple act selflessness
Hey thanks for all the critic! I really honestly apprectiate it. I'm not a poet (that's my sisters job lol). I fixed up a bit so perhaps I should post the fixed version, and I took out most of those little pleas. I also wasn't aiming for a creepy setting, but Iguess that's what it took on. Thanks again for the advice. I'll see what else I can do to fix it.
I'll be honest: I didn't read this poem very thoroughly. But a mere skimming of the poem revealed both some good parts and some aspects you could improve. I liked the theme of the village being pursued by evil and saved by the minstrel and the line about the fear being a cloak, and the repetition was good too (although like Princess said, it was a bit much). However, the rhyme scheme, lack of punctuation and stanzas, and weird similes almost completely ruined it.
1) Unless you're darn good at it, don't rhyme. It's more than just recognizing that cat rhymes with bat; it's setting a meter and a rhyme scheme for the entire poem and wording the poem so the rhyme doesn't feel forced. Forced rhyming really distracts the reader and belittles the poem, so go free verse and it'll improve the poem tenfold. Focus instead on the power of your word choices and the
2) If the poem's more than five lines, you need stanzas. Stanzas are almost like paragraphs in that they organize your thoughts and help set a flow for the reader. Without them, this looks more like a jumbled mess.
3) Poems need punctuation just as much as any other writing. However, you don't want to go overboard with it. My guide is this: If you were writing this as prose, where would you put the punctuation? Put it in those spots in the poem. Also, capitalizing at the beginning of every line makes the flow really choppy, so only capitalize at the beginning of sentences.
4) There were some odd lines in there that, even in my quick skim, made me scratch my head. "fear began to unfold like a towel"? "evil gave one last burp?" These made me laugh, which I don't think was the desired effect. As you go through your forced rhymes, also think about the power of your comparisons. Does evil really burp? Maybe it bellows, or yelps, or (since it's fading) whimpers or hisses. Burping just doesn't fit in my opinion.
Sorry I've been a bit harsh. I just think this poem has a lot of potential if you play with it a little. Keep writing!
Hey there!
Welcome to YWS! You might not be very good right now, but you'll improve. LOL
Anyway, I liked it. Good story line and description, but as Princess has said, after a while it gets a little... boring.
“Listen,” several cried, “Cannot you not hear?”
Hey there MeadowLark! Welcome to YWS. I must remind you that you have to have 2 reviews before posting any of your work. but that's okay, because you're new, you probably didn't know.
Okay, to the critique!
This poem did succeed in being somewhat creepy, but I want more. To make it scarier, maybe you should describe smaller things, like the wind blowing through the trees, or possibly make it raining. That would give the reader chills.
Also, repeating lines is dangerous in poetry. Sometimes it can be good, sometimes not. This time was okay, but it started to get old fast. By the 4th "sing minstrel sing" I wanted to stop reading. I really enjoyed the pleas for the minstrel to sing, but 7 times? It is a very good poem, but it would be even better if you took some of those pleas away.
Why is this evil here? What form is the evil in? These are the questions most of your readers will be asking as they read this. We need some background history so your readers can better understand it. Also, you put several similes into this poem. That normally is good, but similes to nouns take away the dramatic air to the poem which you worked so hard to receive. Make it a simile to something that actually is in the poem, that would make it even creepier.
Thanks so much for the fun read, and if you have any questions about YWS, feel free to pm me!
*Princess*
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