Whoo! I did it *does happy dance* Okay, chapter three is finally up. Took long enough eh? I went over it a hundred times and I hope I eliminated at least most of the grammar errors. I hope. It's a little slow but whatever. Still trying to improve my First Person skills so tell me of any mistakes I make. Enjoy!
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Chapter Three: A History Lesson
“Tell me everything!” she shouted.
I winced as her loud voice echoed in my ear. “Do remember, Gabrielle, that I’m sitting right beside you.” My eyes followed her hands as she wrapped my wrist. My hand had begun to swell. I’m sure it was just one bone in my hand that I had fractured, but it still hurt. She had broken a chopstick in half and used the pieces as a splinter for my middle finger--just the way my mother used to do it.
“Sorry, Antonio. I’m really confused, a touch angry and very scared.” Gabrielle picked the pin off the coffee table and I watched her bring it down to put the finishing touch on the wrap. Her hands were shaking the whole time she had tended to me and now I was a little afraid of that pin.
“Perhaps I should do that Gabrielle,” I suggested, reaching to take the pin from her.
“No! I can do it!”
Pedro was still pacing behind the couch, rubbing his hair. “Everything Gabrielle? Everything?”
“Yes!”
“Ouch!” I jerked my hand away from her as the pin poked me. “I told you I should have done it.”
“Don’t be such a baby, Ant. I didn’t mean to do it.” She finished putting the pin into place and stood up. “Now explain!”
I stretched my arms with a yawn. “But history is so boring. Can’t we do this after I’ve eaten?”
“No! You don’t eat until you tell me everything.” Her green eyes glared at us.
“Where do we begin?” I asked. “How ‘bout you give her your speech Pedro? That thing had everything in it…almost.”
Pedro sighed and propped his elbows on the back of the couch. “I threw it out after the Staff docked me marks.”
“Great! Now we have to rack our brains.”
“Why don’t you explain everything to her? I do recall hearing you say you’ve heard the history a million times in a million different ways,” Pedro snapped.
“Aren’t you the history teacher?” I retorted.
“Please! Somebody just explain this to me! Why do you have horns? Why am I going to die? Why, why, why?” Gabrielle demanded.
“We told you already. We’re Faeries.” I rolled my eyes. “You know. F-a-e-r-i-e-s.”
“Faeries aren’t real! That joke isn’t funny anymore!” Gabrielle screeched. Pedro and I both winced at her words. She gave us a quizzical look. “Did I say something wrong?”
I nodded. “Don’t say that. Every time you say Faeries aren’t real a Faerie actually dies.”
“Have you been watching Peter Pan, Antonio?” Gabrielle teased. That’s one thing I liked about Gabrielle; she could always make a joke, no matter how dire the situation was.
“No. Besides, you’re thinking of those two inch guys with fluttering wings. Like Tinkerbell. We aren’t that kind of…fairy,” I explained.
“Ugh, Ant you’re so useless at explaining things. Okay Gabrielle over a hundred or so years ago there were these creatures banished from the parallel world of Argmar. They were banished to Earth. Those were our ancestors. They were in different forms, but were much easier on the eyes than the morphers who live there--at least that’s what the history books say. They lived in the ‘underworlds’ of Earth’s cities, like the sewers and catacombs. Then, through the years, they slowly adapted to this world and started looking like humans. That is why we appear to you like this.”
“So that explains…what you are,” said Gabrielle in a hushed voice. “You’re descended from things?”
I grinned. “’Exactly! Fascinating isn’t it?”
“Shut-up, Ant! Let me digest this for a sec.” The two of us watched her. I rubbed my hands together and out of the corner of my eye I saw Pedro shift his weight. Were we nervous to what she thought of us? She was staring into space, arms crossed in front of her. She took a moment before exhaling deeply and looking back up at me and Pedro. “Okay. Why am I going to die?”
“I’ll answer that one. Ahem. Any human who finds out about Faeries is sentenced to death. Usually car accidents, gang shootings, sicknesses. We’re very clever. Also, if any Faerie tells a human, they are sentenced to death too. We’ve got to keep our identities hid,” I explained.
“But why?”
“Excuse me!” I pointed to my horns. “What are these? If people found out about us, they’d do like weird scientific experiments on us and-and…I don’t know!”
“He has a tail too,” Pedro pointed out. “And I have magic powers. But Antonio is right. Can you see why we want to stay hidden?”
“You have magic powers? You have a tail?” She looked incredulously at both of us before slumping heavily into the chair beside her. “This is too much to take in. Way too much. My brain is going to explode.” She began to rub her temples.
Pedro hurried to her side and kneeled down in front of her, taking her hand. “I’m sorry Gabrielle. I would have told you everything if the punishment wasn’t death. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Oh come on! Don’t be so sappy and don’t be such a suck mongrel! Gabrielle wouldn’t leave you over a little thing like this,” I snapped. God. I hate how they got so…cheesy. It was gross.
Gabrielle smiled and I rolled my eyes. Yep, they were going to be cheesy. I turned my attention to our apartment. It was messy. The TV and coffee table were dusty, a pillow was on the floor, the coffee table had papers and remotes all over it. The PS2 was scrambled together with the cords for the Wii.
“We need to clean the house Pedro,” I stated. “It’s gross.”
“Antonio, we’ve just been discovered and you’re worried about the house being messy?” Pedro sighed.
“Ya. Look at this mess.” I showed Pedro what I had noticed with a wide sweep of my arm. “And I’m sure you didn’t do the dishes.”
“Just wait! Before you two start bickering again, I have a few more questions.” Gabrielle stood up and strolled to the coffee table. “Is there any way for me…us not to die?” She began to stack the papers into a neat pile.
“Sure! Pedro was thinking about marrying you,” I answered.
“Antonio!” Pedro cried, horrified that I would say such a thing.
Gabrielle dropped the remotes that were in her hands. They clattered onto the wooden surface. “Y-you want to marry me Pedro?” She stared at him.
Great. Now they would probably kiss and fawn over one another. Smooth move Antonio. “Of course he does! Now, do you want me to explain why that works or no?”
She ignored me and had only eyes and ears for my brother. “Oh Pedro! You really want to marry me?”
Pedro stood up and was standing before her in two large strides. “I was going to ask you. But in a very different way.”
I threw my hands into the air. “Please! Get down on your knee, ask her, then kiss and let us finish with this dull history lesson!”
“Shut-up Antonio!” they both shouted.
I rolled my eyes. I knew when I wasn’t wanted so I hastened out of the living room and to the kitchen. There were dirty dishes stacked on the counter and a black banana on the cutting board. “Ugh. Sick. The damn kid was home all evening and he couldn’t even do the dishes.” I opened the fridge and peered in.
“Yes! Yes I will!” Gabrielle’s voice rose above the hum of the refrigerator as she shouted out her answer.
I brought my head up quickly and hit the fridge with it. With a groan, I pulled my head out and glowered at the two as they kissed and hugged. Sometimes I wish the kitchen was it’s own separate room with four walls. Not just a small counter separating one room from another. “Get a room!”
There was a green apple in the bottom right drawer, a few vegetables in the left. A half empty jug of milk on the top rack, along with three bowls of leftovers. The other two racks only had Cool Whip, a pack of unopened bacon and a store bought strawberry rhubarb pie.
I grabbed the bowl with the green lid and peered into it. A nasty smell wafted out and into my face. “Ugh. Rice gone bad. Gross.” I set it onto the counter and withdrew the blue lid bowl.
“What’s for supper Antonio?” Pedro inquired from the other room. He didn’t sound so scared now.
“Mashed potatoes. They’re mine. Now explain to her why marrying you is going to save her life,” I told him. Setting the bowl onto the counter, I pulled a plate out of the cupboard.
They came into the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table. “So, why is marrying Pedro going to save my neck?” Gabrielle asked. They were holding one another’s hands and every few seconds they would cast loving glances at each other. I grimaced at their lovey-doveyness and turned away from the sight.
“Faeries and humans have been marrying each other since the late sixteen hundreds because up until that time Faeries were still adapting to their new world. We came here, to Earth, in the mid fifteen hundreds so it took us awhile,” Pedro explained. I gave him a disgruntled glare as he beat me to the answer.
I scooped the potatoes into a pan and set them on the stove. We didn’t own a microwave. It had the same effect on us that x-rays had.
“Why don’t you just skip to the part where you tell her how marrying you is going to save her ass and leave the whole history thing for later?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at them.
“Shut-up Antonio. You really do talk to much.” Pedro shot me a dirty look before giving his full attention to Gabrielle. I was starting to get really tired of being told to shut-up. “Back to what I was saying. Humans and Faeries marrying each other increase the Faerie population.”
I cleared my throat. “Like animals. Interbreeding.”
Pedro groaned and his head hit the table with a thunk as Gabrielle and I began to laugh. “Ant, please go away,” he begged.
“No. You’re taking to long. Gabrielle, since we’ve been…er…marrying for the past I don’t know how many years--”
“Three hundred years,” interrupted Pedro.
“Whatever. The humans who marry the Faeries sign an oath-ish thing. If they break this oath then they are sentenced to death. Signing this oath and the threat of death makes sure no one is going to tattle on us.”
“You guys are pretty harsh,” she said, staring at the two of us. Her eyes were still fearful but I could see that Pedro’s proposal had really made her happy--despite the fact that she could die any moment.
I shrugged. “We have to be if we don’t want to get poked and prodded and all that scientific stuff.” I gave her arm a poke as I left the kitchen to demonstrate my point.
I went to the front entrance and hung my coat up on a peg. I didn’t want to see Gabrielle’s reaction to my tail. She would probably find it hilarious. All my attempts to keep it hidden had gone to waste. I hesitated only a moment before entering the kitchen.
“Oh!” Gabrielle clamped a hand over her mouth and glanced away. “Ant! Your tail!” She buried her head in her arms. Her whole body began to shake as she laughed.
“Not funny.” My potatoes began to hiss so I hurried to the stove to stir them. They looked done so I turned the stove off and slid them onto a plate. Not all bachelors ate out of the pan.
“Okay.” She sat up, wiping a few tears off her face. I didn’t think my tail was that funny. “Let me summarize this all up. You’re ancestors are banished things from this parallel world called Argmar in the fifteen hundreds. They lived in the underworlds of Earth’s cities until they fully adapted. You’ve been marrying humans for the past three hundred years and the humans have to say or sign an oathish thing. If this oathish thing is broken then they are sentenced to death. Also, any human who finds out about Faeries are put to death because you Faeries want to stay secret because of fear of…pokes and prodding by scientists. Interesting.”
“You forgot one thing,” I said through a mouthful of food. “ By marrying Pedro you don’t die! Isn’t that the most fascinating…est thing you’ve heard all night?”
“Antonio, sometimes you’re a little strange,” Gabrielle said with a roll of her eyes.
I glanced at Pedro. A grin slowly stole over his face. “Sometimes I’m a little strange…” A chuckle escaped my lips. “Hah! That’s like the understatement of the night!”
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Hi!
Sorry it took me so long, I really like this part
Its more calm but its kind of needed to fill in the gaps on some things and not rush past the history. Its got a really enjoyable quirky style
I'm so glad you managed to write the next part!
I'm not sure about 'wrapped my own'- I'd probably just say 'my broken wrist' or 'my wrist' or something like that so its more specific as for a moment I thought you were still referring to eyes
I'd add 'had' before 'fractured' or change 'I' to 'I'd' and maybe replace one of the hands to something like 'wrist' or just saying 'I'm sure it was just one bone that I had fractured' so you are not repeating hand so much
I'd maybe connect these two sentences with a dash.
I think you could add something to show her change in reaction before she asks whats wrong, perhaps she could look at them curiously or have a puzzled frown- something like that to show that she has been distracted from screeching.
I'd connect the last two sentences with a dash or a semicolon.
'was these creatures' should be 'were these creatures' and I think you might need 'that were' before 'banished from'.
I don't think you need 'But' at the beginning of the last sentence- I'd maybe join it to the previous sentence with a dash and rephrase it a bit to something like 'or so the history books say' to run a bit smoother.
I'd maybe add an extra sentence in between the speech and her having her arms folded on coming to her senses as she was just digesting the information- for instance 'she took a moment before exhaling deeply and looking back up at me and Pedro.'
I think 'those' needs to be 'these'.
I think you could say something better than 'sat' here to describe her movements and maybe add in something after her question on how she asks it, perhaps something like 'she looked incrediously at both of us before slumping heavily into the chair beside her'.
I'd have 'taking a hand' as 'taking her hand', I know it repeats 'her' a bit more but I think it works better as 'a hand' could refer to his own and sounds a bit strange
Lol I have never heard that insult! Its kind of funny though
As you have just said they would start to get cheesy I'd maybe add something like 'Yep,' at the beginning to 'they were starting to get cheesy.' I'd maybe leave out 'study' in the last sentence as it makes sense without it.
I think 'messing' should be 'messy' here.
I'd maybe change this to either something about gesturing to the room with a wide sweep of his arm to include everything or rephrase this to show he is picking out each object, something like 'I pointed out several areas of particular neglect.' as gestured to everything could mean either of these and the actually action is unclear whether its one large gesture or lots of pointing
I really don't like the use of 'went'- I think most of the time you can replace it with a better word that describes the action. Even if it is just 'walked' (although more descriptive words I prefer
I think you could add in a sentence here after Antonio talks on Gabrielle ignoring him as she completely blanks what he says, I'd try to change the 'went' here too if possible.
'went' again... obviously if you're fine with it don't worry, its just one of those things that annoys me.
I think you are missing 'the' before 'dishes'.
I think you should mention here something on Antonio hearing her voice screaming as it is unclear who the voice is coming from and who it is addressing. I'd maybe add 'it' or 'my skull' or something like that before 'hit the fridge' so it doesn't sound like they are two separate actions.
I'm a bit confused here as to where the kitchen is, you may have mentioned in earlier parts but I've forgotten
As you quite recently said 'pulled out' when talking about Antonio's head, I'd change this action to something like 'grabbed the blue lid bowl' or 'withdrew the blue lid bowl' so you are not repeating it.
I think you could describe their entrance here, perhaps they are holding hands acting all lovey-dovey or something
Here it sounds like Gabrielle is asking Antonio this as she talks about 'Pedro' instead of saying 'you' but then Pedro answers after this, if she was asking Antonio but Pedro answered anyway I'd add that in about him answering before Antonio could get the chance or something like that. If not, I'd change who she is addressing the question to.
I think you need 'in' before 'the mid fifteen hundred' and so you are not repeating 'adapt' I'd just leave it as 'it took us a while' as its already quite clear what you are talking about.
I'd maybe change one of the 'save' so you are not repeating it, maybe the second one could be 'leave' or something similar.
I'd change either 'gave' or 'giving' to something better, for instance 'gave me a dirty look' could be 'shot me a dirty look' or 'giving his full attention' could be 'returning his full attention'.
Just a suggestion, but I think it might work well to separate oath and ish with a dash- 'oath-ish' as otherwise it looks all like one new word- if that makes sense
I'd maybe rephrase these two sentences, instead of 'still held fear' 'were fearful' might flow easier and I'd add 'had' after 'proposal'. The second sentence could be joined to the first with a dash and I'd maybe add 'the fact that' after 'Despite'. So all in all, something like this-
'Her eyes were still fearful but Pedro's proposal had really made her happy- despite the fact that she could die at any moment.'
You could possibly add in 'I could see' before 'Pedro's proposal' too.
You could add 'to demonstrate my point' after 'I gave her arm a poke' just to show why he is doing it
As you describe her reaction afterwards, I'm not sure about describing what he thinks will happen before too. Maybe you could leave it out or shorten it to something like 'She would probably find it hilarious.'
I'd change 'put' in both of these quotes to something more interesting- for instance 'Gabriella clamped a hand over a mouth' and 'slid them onto a plate'.
I think 'chuckled' should be 'chuckle'.
Overall: I really enjoyed this part- It's great you have your inspiration back!
I thought you managed to spread out the history parts enough to keep it entertaining, I love the little humorous parts and the relationship between Antonio and Pedro
I have pointed out a few places where I think you could change some of the words (went, put) to more descriptive ones to show how they are doing things, I'd maybe look back through and see where that could be done as it really adds to the image of the scene. I'd also maybe add a bit more description to the kitchen. Is it cramped? I know the dishes haven't been done, but you could more describe the mess of the kitchen and how the dishes are stacked up to show the messiness of the room (like chipped plates and stained walls). When Pedro and Gabrielle enter, I think you could maybe add just a little on them being now engaged, like Antonio making some sarcastic remark or something as its clear that Gabrielle is really pleased about it.
I loved this part and I'm really looking forward to reading more!
Hey, Meadow! I'm happy to see you've finally found that long-lost inspiration.
I believe you forgot to put in the "okay".
I think you meant to say "fawn over one another". Fondle means something VERY different...
I thought there was a little too much repetition when it came to dialogue. Ex:
There were some other small things, gram&spell issues, mostly. But I'll leave that to the other reviewers, as I always do.
You got the engagement nailed down straight. But...I agree with Tony, I felt like the way Pedro told the history of the Faeries was just that: history-ish. I usually fall asleep in my history class. Make it a little more interesting because it really felt like I was reading a textbook. I see that the title of this chapter is "A History Lesson", but that doesn't have to literally mean it's a history lesson. Come on, now!
The bit with the microwave was very intriguing. And I think Tony, Pedro and Gabrielle are pretty well developed. I love each and every one of their quirks. Pedro with his nerdiness, Gabby with her sense of humor and Tony with his overall weirdness.
I have to say, I like where you're going with this. Obviously, Gabby marrying Pedro is a very simple solution to their little situation, but I can see that things are going to take a bad turn for the trio. I can't wait to see what happens. I'll be here to read chapter 4 when you put it up. Good job, Meadow!
Ciao, keep dreamin'
Worx.