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Young Writers Society



The Land of Tales ~ Chapter One

by MeadowLark


I hope this isn't too long. Please point out if I changed the Horseman's name. I have no idea how I managed to switch from Coni to Cino then back Coni. Silly me. But let me know which name you perfer ^_^ I guess even I can't decide which one to work with. Please...if you must...rip it to shreds. I'm trying to get better at writing in First Person.

Chapter I:

It was a lovely day. The sun was shining brightly to the east, the sky was a bright blue and everything was peaceful in the Happy Valley Kingdom. There were songbirds singing in the forest, the wind was gently blowing and I was taking a lovely stroll through a lonely clearing with my headless friend.

“Coni, I wish you could see how beautiful it is out here.” I began to walk backwards as I studied the area around me. There were wildflowers everywhere. Purples, blues, pinks, yellows and whites dancing among all the green. “There is so many flowers Coni!”

I turned around and saw that the Headless Horseman was missing. I spun around, just to make sure he wasn’t going to sneak up on me. But he had completely vanished. I was all alone in a clearing with an old well and a tree stump. Oh no. The well!

I raced to the well and looked down. My hands were resting on the cobble rim as I stared into the dark deep hole. I suppose there always was a negative side to having no head.

“Coni! Coni! Oh my…Are you okay?” I screeched. He was hanging onto an old tree root that managed to grow through the well wall from the old stump when the tree had been alive. He gave me a thumbs up sign and hastily returned his hand to the root. “What do I do? Coni?”

“Adara!”

Why did things always have to get worse? I turned around and saw one of my friends, Cinderella. What did she want? Couldn’t she see I was busy? She was strutting towards me. She liked to think she was a princess but all she was, was a maid for her step-mother.

“Adara! Darling, how have you been?” She swept towards me in all her dusty glory.

I forced a phoney smile onto my face. “Cindi! Dicra give you a break from cleaning the house?” I backed up towards the well where Coni was.

Cinderalla sat on the stump and gave out a heavy sigh. “Yes. But I have to be back before lunch so I can make them a meal. It is such a dreary job.” She began to inspect her fingernails. For a maid, she was so very vain. “What are you doing out here anyways? I saw you through one of the windows, spinning around.”

“I was picking wildflowers. Of course I haven’t found any yet.” My gaze swept over the area. There were flowers everywhere. She raised an eyebrow. “That I like.”

“I see.” She stood up and brushed her dress off. It was a brown thing with a stained white apron tied around the waist. I didn’t think she could ever brush all the dirt off of it. “So, I only came over here to ask you a question. Snow White invited me over to the cottage today for a party. Would you like to come?”

“Could I bring a friend?”

“As long as it isn’t Rumplestiltskin. That little dweeb gives me the creeps.” Cindi began to walk over to me.

I put my hands on the rim of the well. “Who else is going to be there?”

“Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, my two step-sisters. I don’t know why Snow had to invite them. I think Doc has a crush on Maybel. My sisters are so ugly. Oh! And Prince Charming is going to be there with Philip. Oh, they’re so dreamy.”

“Yes. Uh, very dreamy. I personally like Philip more than Charming. He isn’t vain.” I looked over my shoulder and then up at the sky. I had to get rid of her. “I think it’s noon.”

“What? Already? Oh well. I don’t care. They can fix their own meal for once. So who do you plan on bringing?”

“I thought maybe Coni.” I sat down onto the well, wrapping my hands around the wood. She couldn’t see him down there. I knew how much she enjoyed making jokes of all the ‘villains’.

“Horseman? Oh, why do you have to bring him? He’s even worse than Rumple. He doesn’t even have a head.”

“So? Your point is? He has feelings like everyone else. He might not even want to come so I’ll probably come alone.”

“Cinderella!” screamed a voice.

I winced. “You mother has a loud voice.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious.” Cindi sighed. “This so sucks. My mother is such a---”

“Cinderella!” Another scream made us both wince.

“Actually, I like your mother’s taste when it comes to decoration. Totally Victorian style there. And she bakes a delicious brownie pie.” I kicked my legs back and forth. My bare feet were scratched up from walking through thorns. “And the dresses she buys you.”

“Yes. I suppose she does have wonderful taste in clothing, doesn’t she? I don’t know why people call her the ‘evil step-mother’. She’s a very nice person and always takes me shopping.”

“Probably because she makes you make the meals and clean the house,” I pointed out. I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. My stupid hair was always falling out. “But look on the bright side. At least you don’t have to clean tavern floors and all that. So much beer.”

“I guess you’re right. Would you like to accompany me back to the house? I hate walking around by myself. I feel so exposed.” She gave me a pleading look.

“I would love to Cindi, but I want to finish picking flowers. I’ll bring some over to your house for a centre piece or something,” I told her.

“Cinderella!”

“If you insist. Ta, ta, Adara.” She turned around with a whirl. I think she forgot the fact she wasn’t wearing a ball gown. She headed for the path that was hidden in the lilac trees to the far side of the clearing. I waited till she was half-way there before turning around. “Coni! Are you okay? Are you still hanging there?”

He gave me the thumbs up sign again. I gave out a sigh. He had been hanging there for well over five minutes.

“Okay, grab my hand and I’ll try to pull you up.” I leaned over the side of the well and reached a hand towards him. He put an ironclad hand into my own and I tightened my grip. I strained to pull him up. Gosh, I had no idea why he always had to wear armour all the time. I clenched my teeth as I tried harder. I gave a hard yank on him and found myself falling backwards. “Coni!” I jumped up and peered back down the well. He waved at me. If he had a head, I’m sure he would be smiling. “Why’d you let go?”

He drummed his fingers on the side of the wall, making a sound like a horse galloping. He then put both hands back on the root that had grown through the wall of the well. Thank goodness it was there.

“I’ll go get Trickster. You just wait here. Don’t move.” That sounded slightly silly to say but it was just automatic. I jumped up and looked around the clearing. The oak forest was all around me except to the north. There, a long line of lilacs grew. Behind them was Cinderella’s house. Where was that dumb horse?

“Trickster!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I headed to the Forest Road. This part of it was full of grass because there was no house in the clearing. Just an well and old memories in the soil. “Trickster!”

I heard a whinny and the sound of pounding hooves. A large black horse appeared on the road ahead of me. He gave out a shrill whinny and reared up high, striking out with his forelegs.. He landed down and pawed the ground violently.

“Come here Trickster!”

He tossed his headed around, mane waving around. With a final snort he charged towards me in a full out gallop. The pounding sound his hooves made, echoed through the trees and as he neared me I could hear the jingling of his bridle. The stirrups were flapping wildly as he raced along.

“Whoa!” I shouted, putting my hands in front of me. I shut my eyes and prayed that he would stop. I heard his hooves slide in the grass and him snort. I opened my eyes and saw his large black nose. “Trickster! Never do that again.”

He took a few steps backwards and snorted three times as if he was laughing. He had such big brown eyes. For being a phantom horse, he was so pleasant to be around. I loved his long mane and tail. The feathers on his feet were so gorgeous too.

I have no idea how Coni, who has no head, can keep his horse in tiptop shape. Well, there were several things I didn’t get about Coni. Like how he could hear what I said. It was just weird.

“Come, your master needs your help.” I grabbed the reins and we walked towards the well. It looked so deserted, sitting all alone in the middle of the clearing, with only a tree stump for company.

The grass and the flowers swooped and whirled in the wind as a strong gust blew through the clearing. We hurried to the well and when we reached it, Trickster stuck his head in the well, whickering softly down to his master.

I slid the reins down into the well and Coni grabbed them. “Okay, Trick. Back up boy.” I pushed on his broad chest and he took a step backwards. His back legs were braced, hooves digging into the soil. I gave him another shove and he took another step backwards.

Trickster flared his nostrils and stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth. I grabbed the reins and helped pull on them, taking the slack off the horse’s head. Perhaps I should have grabbed some rope from somewhere. Poor Trickster.

Coni grabbed the rim of the well and pulled himself up. Trickster chewed on the bit and trotted forwards. I helped Coni out of the well and hugged him.

“I guess this ends our adventure, doesn’t it?” I asked him.

He brought his hands up in a shrugging way and went to his horse. As he was gathering up Trickster’s reins, I picked a few flowers for Cindi.

“Can we go to Cindi’s? I promised to give her these flowers? And we can take the long way.”

Coni used sign language to communicate with others so now his fingers were swiftly moving around. He then pointed to Trickster.

“Sure I’ll ride double. And thank-you. She wanted me to accompany her back to her house but I didn’t want to leave you.”

Coni gave me a pat on the shoulder and turned to his horse. He mounted Trickster and held his hand out to me. I took it and he pulled me up behind him. I was so thankful I was used to Trickster’s wide back. I remember the first time I rode him. My legs were sore for days.

“Cindi also invited me to Snow White’s party at the cottage. Would you like to come?”

He shrugged and nudged Trickster forwards. The horse immediately broke into a lope. I don’t think he knew what a walk or a trot was. The two of them were always running up and down the roads. I think it was because that’s how the Headless Horseman’s story was. Him racing around chasing people on his black steed.

We were almost at the road that led to Cinderella’s house when Coni stopped Trickster. He turned in the saddle so I could see his hands. They began to speak.

“You…Coni, it was an accident that you fell down that well. If I was paying attention, it would never had happened,” I told him. His fingers were speaking again. “Coni…You’re the Headless Horseman for a reason. That reason is that you have no head!”

Really, the Land of Tales is very different than the stories you know. Everyone knows the Headless Horseman wouldn’t stop riding around till he had his head, but I thought for sure he was passed that. Yet, now, the Headless Horseman wanted to find his lost head. That wasn’t even the creepy part.

The Headless Horseman is dead Hessian soldier. He lost his head, so whenever he finds it, it’s going to be a skull. That’s the gross part. I didn’t mind hanging out with a phantom horse or a headless guy but they were like flesh and blood. That’s a skull. That’s gross.


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Mon Mar 23, 2009 11:02 pm
Thirst_23 wrote a review...



Oh, my goodness, Meadow, that was amazing. And no, I don't think you did ever change the Horseman's name, but I might be so late, you did and already changed it.

Umm...it reminds me of a play called Into the Woods.

My only recomendation is too read it for the awkward points. There are a few sentences that just don't feel right, such as "Coni…You’re the Headless Horseman for a reason. That reason is that you have no head!”

That can be said in one sentence, and a descriptioin. Like, maybe she points at his head, and rolls her eyes.

Yeah, that's all I got. I found very enjoyable.

Byers




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Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:59 am
~Excalibur~ says...



I see that I should have read the prologue. I did do so after realizing it. ~_~

Yeah you also have posted quite a bit here in the Fantasy Fiction section, but readers who go on to it will notice that it is a fanfic. You should put the disclaimer just as a warning thing to help fend off legal types, fanfiction.net has to make sure people don't post authors who want no fanfiction using their work.

Legally the issue is odd, but publishing them online (or on fanfiction.net) could potentially violate those copyrights. So a nice little disclaimer and it being non-profit helps to keep the baddies away and fair use in your favor, should you be dragged to court.

I noticed that your piece is VERY dialogue driven. Though you make an effort to keep away the floating head issue, it just doesn't hold up with this much conversation. Break it up with paragraphs of action and not just:

"Dialogue"

"Dialogue" action "dialogue"

"Dialogue"

That is hurting this piece for flow more then any real issues with word choice. It could use some more description and try to captivate a more magical sense. I am getting a very mundane sense of life from the dialogue and that despite all the characters which know one another, none of them seem willing to help each other out.

You have a lot to potentially work with. Say Rump doing all the housework for Cinderella's first born, but ends up becoming the over protective uncle who dotes and spoils the child because he never had one of his own. Don't just limit them to their regular fairy tales if they able to interact with one another so casually! Treat them like regular characters, the issues of motives are already written for you, just make use of em!




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Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:30 am
MeadowLark says...



Haha! Thanks Excalibur! Your review made me laugh! Although I'm sure that wasn't your intent >_<

I do have a prologue to this story and all it is is a simple little story making fun of the fairytale characters because , basically, it is quite...fun! ^_^

Also, I have created characters of my own! It is my favourite part in story writing! Just take a peak at The Faeries and the Scarecrow Minstrel ^_^

This is just for fun and entertainment! That's it. I hope you did enjoy reading it, however.

Thanks everyone else for your helpful reviews! I'm glad you liked it!

Meadow




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Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:04 am
~Excalibur~ wrote a review...



Quite a long post. So i'll do this paragraph by paragraph.

-------

It was a lovely day. The sun was shining brightly to the east, the sky was a bright blue and everything was peaceful in the Happy Valley Kingdom. There were songbirds singing in the forest, the wind was gently blowing and I was taking a lovely stroll through a lonely clearing with my headless friend.

(Overused and cliche. Seriously drop this unless you are writing about Barbie.)

“Coni, I wish you could see how beautiful it is out here.” I began to walk backwards as I studied the area around me. There were wildflowers everywhere. Purples, blues, pinks, yellows and whites dancing among all the green. “There is so many flowers Coni!”

(Color of flowers seems to hold no importance, no language of the flowers taken into account, so simply.)

I turned around and saw that the Headless Horseman was missing. I spun around, just to make sure he wasn’t going to sneak up on me. But he had completely vanished. I was all alone in a clearing with an old well and a tree stump. Oh no. The well!

(Wait what? This is chapter 1, how come I feel like I am missing something already?)

I raced to the well and looked down. My hands were resting on the cobble rim as I stared into the dark deep hole. I suppose there always was a negative side to having no head.

“Coni! Coni! Oh my…Are you okay?” I screeched. He was hanging onto an old tree root that managed to grow through the well wall from the old stump when the tree had been alive. He gave me a thumbs up sign and hastily returned his hand to the root. “What do I do? Coni?”

“Adara!”

Why did things always have to get worse? I turned around and saw one of my friends, Cinderella. What did she want? Couldn’t she see I was busy? She was strutting towards me. She liked to think she was a princess but all she was, was a maid for her step-mother.

(Please do not use such names in your story... sounds like a fanfic. What's next, Rumpelstilkin?)

“Adara! Darling, how have you been?” She swept towards me in all her dusty glory.

(Dusty glory? Doesn't make since, same with 'swept'.)

I forced a phoney smile onto my face. “Cindi! Dicra give you a break from cleaning the house?” I backed up towards the well where Coni was.

Cinderalla sat on the stump and gave out a heavy sigh. “Yes. But I have to be back before lunch so I can make them a meal. It is such a dreary job.” She began to inspect her fingernails. For a maid, she was so very vain. “What are you doing out here anyways? I saw you through one of the windows, spinning around.”

(...I'm pretty sure this character is plagarism.)

“I was picking wildflowers. Of course I haven’t found any yet.” My gaze swept over the area. There were flowers everywhere. She raised an eyebrow. “That I like.”

“I see.” She stood up and brushed her dress off. It was a brown thing with a stained white apron tied around the waist. I didn’t think she could ever brush all the dirt off of it. “So, I only came over here to ask you a question. Snow White invited me over to the cottage today for a party. Would you like to come?”

“Could I bring a friend?”

“As long as it isn’t Rumplestiltskin. That little dweeb gives me the creeps.” Cindi began to walk over to me.

(OH NO! OH NO! You are doing this on purpose! I was joking up there and you ACTUALLY DID IT. You cannot steal characters, especially blatently original copyrighted characters and throw them into your story like this. Fanfiction perhaps, and that is questionably-legal as is!)

I put my hands on the rim of the well. “Who else is going to be there?”

“Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, my two step-sisters. I don’t know why Snow had to invite them. I think Doc has a crush on Maybel. My sisters are so ugly. Oh! And Prince Charming is going to be there with Philip. Oh, they’re so dreamy.”

(END.)

-------

Alright. *takes deep breath* Stop stealing other writers work and slapping them into your own. It is not funny or original, it is just plain plagarism. You want tips for writing? Start creating and using your own characters and not relying on others to do it for you. I have no tolerance for people who run around with these types of characters if the work is not clearly marked as fanfiction, and fanfic writers are divided into two groups. Storytellers and drekspammers.

Throwing a cast of characters right out of those fairytale world movies got old real quick, and even so they all are not your own work. Anything you do with premade characters for you is not your own. To do so is to push the limits of copywrite law as is, and you do not even have a disclaimer.

Sorry, but try being original if you are going to post in fantasy fiction, not fanfiction.




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Mon Mar 23, 2009 12:23 am
Kiki says...



I like it! Everyone else beat me to all the corrections and things. Keep it up hun! =D




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:58 pm
Kale wrote a review...



I like Cino more than Coni. Cino just feels more horsemanish to me. I don't know why. XD

“There are so many flowers Coni!”

My hands rested on the cobble rim as I stared into the dark deep hole. I suppose there always was a negative side to having no head.

The last sentence made me laugh. XD

He was hanging onto an old tree root that managed to grow through the well wall from the old stump when the tree had been alive.

This sentence is much longer than it needs to be and has too much stuff in it. "He was hanging onto an old tree root that had grown through the well's wall," is more concise and it still gets the point across.

She liked to think she was a princess but all she was, was a maid for her step-mother.

I like how you portray Cinderella as vain and arrogant. XD However, this sentence seems to contradict what you tell us later on in the chapter. Most people don't take their maids on shopping trips or buy them beautiful gowns. :P

Dicra

Reminds me too much of dick-er. Dirca would probably be better. It also sounds prettier and is a bit easier to read. :P

I wondered why Adara didn't ask Cindi for help with Coni, but you mention later on in the chapter that Cindi was the type to make fun of the villains. You should probably mention something like "She'd probably laugh at Coni rather than help him," when you first introduce Cindi.

Just now, I started to wonder how Adara knows the horse's name is Trickster. Coni can't talk, so how does anyone know the horse's name? Unless they all agreed on the name Trickster.

I don't mind hanging out with a phantom horse or a headless guy, but they were like flesh and blood. That’s a skull. That’s gross.

The "That's a skull," feels a bit off, but I don't have any suggestions on how to improve it. The last sentence is just hilarious, though. XD

And Coni wants to try finding his head again. :o I wonder what will happen next! It's bound to lead to some complications. :D




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:43 am
RubinLikes2Write wrote a review...



haha i like this story!! At first i wasn't sure but the more i read the more i liked it!! I liked how you had the princes Cinderella be totally vain where in all the Disney their practically saints. Loved that part of your story! Though their is one little thing that can be cleared up very easily. At least i have never heard the headless horseman story so besides the part the he's head less and rides a horse i have no idea what he looks like. So if you could just give a description of him that would be ubur cool!




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Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:00 pm
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



*drops out of the sky and into your living room*

Hey, Meadow! What's up?

This was soooo good! Very enjoyable.

Please point out if I changed the Horseman's name. I have no idea how I managed to switch from Coni to Cino then back Coni.

To be completely honest, I actually like the name Cino a lot better than Coni. I don't know what it is with me and names. Can I have Cino? You know, for future characters of my own? I have someone in mind...

Well, there were several things I didn’t get about Coni. Like how he could hear what I said. It was just weird.

Ha! I was wondering about that myself. Very weird indeed.

I love how conceited Cinderella is. I've always thought the storybook princes and princesses were a little pompous (*cough* Alejandro *cough*).

I knew how much she enjoyed making jokes of all the ‘villains’.

Personally, I like the villians a lot more than the good guys. I heard this saying once, "Ever heard that sometimes the bad guys make the best good guys?" Yes, very true. The villians are smarter, funnier, and generally cooler than the good guys. But nooo, the good guys always have to get the happy ending. Just once I'd like to see a villian redeem him or herself and actually succeed. Don't let me down, Meadow!

Something I noted: sometimes you confuse past tense with present tense "had" and "have". Look out for those.

I'll be following up on the chapters to come, Meadow.

Ciao, keep dreamin'

Dream




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Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:32 am
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hey Meadow! Nice to see that you're moving forward with this story. Question: What happened to the bickering brothers in the Faeries? I'd like to hear more from them.

I won't be able to leave you a good review right now because I'm working on Clover's Curse....I've been procrastinating for too long. I promise I'll leave you a worthy review soon, okay? Promise

Ciao babe, keep dreamin'

Dream.





“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell