Young Writers Society

Heya! Thanks for the reviews. I was having troubles with the prologue and such. I read it a million times. These really helped! Thanks a bunch.

Meadow

I like the premise and how you characterized Rumpelstiltskin and the Headless Horseman (is his name Cino or Coni, though?). A little bit more background on both their stories might be a good idea since not everyone may be familiar with them, though you needn't do it all in the prologue. Mentioning bits and pieces of their stories throughout the course of the story is one option.

The Land of Tales. Sometimes it was haunting and occasionally sad. But most of the time, it was a joyful place. A place where everyone lived happily ever after. Well, almost everyone. The villains always had bad luck in the end.

An example is in Rumpelstilskin. Really, all the little guy wanted was a child of his own. He didn’t deserve what he got. He spun straw into gold for that woman and all he wanted in return was a child. He wanted to be a father. Yet, he was banished from his kingdom.

So, which is why you know what you know about Rumpelstiltskin.

So don’t expect this story to have a happy ending. But expect it to be happy because nothing dark and sinister ever happens in the Land of Tales or the Happy Valley kingdom.

MeadowLark wrote:
Prologue:

The Land of Tales. Sometimes it was haunting and occasionally sad. But most of the time, it was a joyful place. A place where everyone lived happily ever after. Well, almost everyone. The villains always had bad luck in the end. Change the second sentence, does not sound right. Also try make this paragraph a bit more interesting because the first few lines are what keep your reader hooked to the rest of your story.
An example is in Rumpelstilskin. Really, all the little guy wanted was a child of his own. He didn’t deserve what he got. He spun straw into gold for that woman and all he wanted in return was a child. He wanted to be a father. Yet, he was banished from his kingdom.
I know that’s not how the story really ends but parents only want to tell their children stories with happy endings where the good conquers the evil. [s]So,[/s] which is why you know what you know about Rumpelstiltskin. In truth, the queen banished him, after she cheated mind you, and now he’s living in King Philip and Queen Elizra’s kingdom. For those who don’t know, Snow White, Prince Charming and Prince Philip are all siblings. The queen does have a magic mirror but really, she isn’t envious of Snow White. Confusing paragraph! Try turn some of the longer sentences into shorter ones with less commas.
Snow White does live in the forest with seven dwarves and her stepmother never tried once to kill her. Confusing sentence. Change it to something like: Snow White does live in the forest with seven dwarves but her stepmother never once tried to kill her.Snow White just had enough of the rules and ran away. That’s how the story really went. Deal with it. I honestly don’t know why the Grimm brothers and all the others had to make everyone sound so evil when they actually weren’t.
I live in the same kingdom as Snow White and them.It would be better if you changed the word 'them' to 'the rest of them'. In fact, I work at one of the most popular taverns in Happy Valley Kingdom. It’s a great place called Surreal. Rumpelstiltskin always goes there, along with the Headless Horseman. Heck, even Hansel and Gretal tried to sneak in once. Those two always think they’re so tricky when they actually aren’t. Leaving pebbles and bread crumbs. That was so old school. But the ’villains’ usually gather there. Though, the seven dwarves were frequent visitors. They even [s]manage[/s] managed to drag Snow along on a few occasions.
The Headless Horseman and I are good friends. Sure he has no head but he’s a great guy and very funny. Rearrange to something like: he's a great and funny guy.He also has a horse called Trickster. That horse is a wonder. I usually call the Horseman, Cino because I hate always calling him Horseman. That sentence did not sound right. I know what you're trying to say, but the comma in front of 'cino' made it confusing. Especially when everyone else had a proper name.
Speaking of proper names, mine is Adara. In my opinion, it’s one of those cliché fairytale names. But what can I do about it? I’m no princess, no maid nor a damsel in distress. I’m just what people call a bartender. Yep. That’s me.
In my free time I’m usually hanging out with Coni.Wait now it's Coni? Wasn't it Cino? Really, people with no heads seem to have a lot of fun. He’s an excellent swordsman and he’s pretty good at using an axe too. Coni always takes me out for rides. Although those are usually during the night because everyone knows the Headless Horseman is a phantom. He doesn’t kill people. At least I don’t think he does anymore. I remember when he was searching for his head he would sometimes chop off [s]someone‘s head[/s] someone elses'. That is a pretty gruesome thing to say, but it’s true. To make you feel better, he gave up hunting for his head. I think he’s accepted the fact that it’s gone. I liked those last two lines haha
What I’m really trying to say is add a comma or something here no one lives happily ever after because there is no such thing as a happily ever after. It just isn’t real. Why? Sure the ‘good guys’ always win. But what about the ‘bad guys’? You see where I’m coming from? Sure they’re evil and all, but surely they had a reason for why they did what they did. There always is a reasonable explanation for everyone’s actions. That’s just how it is. But the Land of Tales is a very happy place. That last sentence did not really fit in with what you were saying before.
So don’t expect this story to have a happy ending. But expect it to be happy because nothing dark and sinister ever happens in the Land of Tales or the Happy Valley kingdom.Wait... don't expect it to be happy but then again expect it to be happy? Don't make much sense.

Hey, Meadow! So, some of my making-fun-fairytales quirk has rubbed off on you, eh? Glad to hear it, glad to hear it. We need more of these kinds of stories, with no doom and no gloom, just something we can read and laugh about.

First of all, I think Happy Valley Kingdom is an excellent name. Why can't I ever come up with a name like that???

Adara, yes, very stereotypical. But that's okay! It works well here.

BUT, here are some things I found a little confusing:

So, which is why you know what you know about Rumpelstiltskin. In truth, the queen banished him, after she cheated mind you, and now he’s living in King Philip and Queen Elizra’s kingdom.

So don’t expect this story to have a happy ending. But expect it to be happy because nothing dark and sinister ever happens in the Land of Tales or the Happy Valley kingdom.