I wanted to make fun of the fairy tales because everyone knows it's so much fun. I don't really like this prologue so any suggestions on how to fix it up will be helpful. It sounds telly to me and all that other bad stuff :) But this story is just for fun so...
Prologue:
The Land of Tales. It was known to be the most joyful of all places. Everyone who was anyone wanted to be there. You could enjoy your time, have all the freedom you wanted and never had to worry about anything. It was just a place where everyone could live happily ever after. But granted like all places, it could also be haunting and on the rare occasion quite sad. Frankly, it was only like this for the villains of course. They never had any good luck here .Everyone always gave them a hard time. Just because they did a few bad things in their time, doesn’t mean that they should be dubbed a villain for life.
An example is in Rumpelstilskin. The little fellow wanted to be a father, which is why he asked the girl to give him her first born child. He didn’t get the baby and was banished from the kingdom.
I know that’s not how the story really ends but parents only want to tell their children stories with happy endings where the good conquers the evil. This is why you know what you know about Rumpelstiltskin. In truth, the queen banished him and now he’s living in King Philip and Queen Elizra’s kingdom. For those who don’t know, Snow White, Prince Charming and Prince Philip are all siblings. The queen does have a magic mirror but really, she isn’t envious of Snow White. I thought I should just point that out so you know.
For those who don’t know the story of Rumpelstiltskin, let me summarize it. This poor farmer who wanted to be higher up in society told the king his daughter could spin straw into gold. The king said if this was true the prince would marry the daughter. As it were, the daughter couldn’t. But a short little man appeared and spun the straw into gold for her ring. He did it the next night for her necklace. The third night she promised him that she would give him her first born child when she became queen. When she had her child, Rumple came to get what was his. She wouldn’t give up the baby, so he told her if she could guess his name she could keep her baby. She didn’t know it but she had three chances. But Rumple was foolish and the queen a cheat. A messenger heard Rumple singing and the little fool said his name. So, in the end the queen kept her baby. The story has many endings. But the only version I was told was that Rumple died in some odd way. Very untrue.
I live in the same kingdom as Rumplestiltskin. In fact, I work at one of the most popular taverns in Happy Valley Kingdom. It’s a great place called Surreal. Rumpelstiltskin always goes there, along with the Headless Horseman. Heck, even Hansel and Gretal tried to sneak in once. Those two always think they’re so tricky when they actually aren’t. Leaving pebbles and bread crumbs. That was so old school. But the ’villains’ usually gather there. Though, the seven dwarves were frequent visitors. They even managed to drag Snow along on a few occasions.
The Headless Horseman and I are good friends. Sure he has no head but he’s a great and funny guy. He also has a horse called Trickster. That horse is a wonder. I usually call the Horseman Coni because I hate always calling him Horseman. Especially when everyone else had a proper name.
Speaking of proper names, mine is Adara. In my opinion, it’s one of those cliché fairytale names. But what can I do about it? I’m no princess, no maid nor a damsel in distress. I’m just what people call a bartender. Yep. That’s me.
In my free time I’m usually hanging out with Coni. Really, people with no heads seem to have a lot of fun. He’s an excellent swordsman and he’s pretty good at using an axe too. Coni always takes me out for rides. Although those are usually during the night because everyone knows the Headless Horseman is a phantom. He doesn’t kill people. At least I don’t think he does anymore. I remember when he was searching for his head he would sometimes chop off someone else’s. That is a pretty gruesome thing to say, but it’s true. To make you feel better, he gave up hunting for his head. I think he’s accepted the fact that it’s gone.
What I’m really trying to say is, no one lives happily ever after because there is no such thing as a happily ever after. It just isn’t real. Why? Sure the ‘good guys’ always win. But what about the ‘bad guys’? You see where I’m coming from? Sure they’re evil and all, but surely they had a reason for why they did what they did. There always is a reasonable explanation for everyone’s actions. That’s just how it is.
I had to introduce my homeland to you and my opinion on all the villains. They have a big part to play in my story. A very big part.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya! Thanks for the reviews. I was having troubles with the prologue and such. I read it a million times. These really helped! Thanks a bunch.
Meadow
I like the premise and how you characterized Rumpelstiltskin and the Headless Horseman (is his name Cino or Coni, though?). A little bit more background on both their stories might be a good idea since not everyone may be familiar with them, though you needn't do it all in the prologue. Mentioning bits and pieces of their stories throughout the course of the story is one option.
These two paragraphs read very choppily. There are too many short sentences and sentence fragments. Combine some of the fragments/sentences together, and it ought to read more smoothly.
I saw quite a bit of this throughout the prologue mixed in with overly long sentences. I suggest you try playing around with sentence structure a bit to see which combinations read best.
"This" instead of "which" makes more sense.
I think you could leave out most of the Snow White bit since it doesn't really add much to the prologue. It just introduces Snow White, the two princes, the not-evil Evil Queen, the magic mirror, and the seven dwarves, but only in a passing mention. That's too many characters to introduce all at once, especially if they don't actually contribute much by way of action. You only really need to talk about Snow White, the Queen, and the dwarves to get the same point across.
On first read, this sentence doesn't make much sense, but it does make sense when you connect it to the whole "what about the 'bad guys?'" bit. Still, nothing dark or sinister happening in the Land of Tales seems a bit implausible. Nothing "truly" dark and/or sinister happening, on the other hand, is a bit more plausible.
Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this, and I'll be looking forward to the first chapter.
Hey!
This was in all quite a good piece.
Grammar
I did not find much to comment about. Sometimes your sentences contain too many commas or are too long. Also at times a sentence was confusing. Try re-read this properly and you will see what I mean.
Characters
Hmm... We did not really get to know Adara. I like how you portrayed the headless horseman though.
Plot
Well it was not much of a story with a plot because you're just describing the different types of fairtales.
All in all.. Keep up the good work
PM me with any questions.
xxmimixx
Hey, Meadow! So, some of my making-fun-fairytales quirk has rubbed off on you, eh? Glad to hear it, glad to hear it. We need more of these kinds of stories, with no doom and no gloom, just something we can read and laugh about.
First of all, I think Happy Valley Kingdom is an excellent name. Why can't I ever come up with a name like that???
Adara, yes, very stereotypical. But that's okay! It works well here.
BUT, here are some things I found a little confusing:
Hmmm...I'm not familiar with the story of Rumplestiltskin. Maybe you could give me a synopsis?
One thing I commend you for is making the time era very clear. Sometimes, when I'm writing Clover's Curse, people say they feel like they're reading something that's a cross between 2009 and the 1600's. Ayayaye, what can I do?
Don't expect it to have a happy ending but expect it to be happy...nothing dark and sinister happens...huh? I'm confused!
Another thing, it goes by a little too quickly. The fairytale characters in the first few chapters were introduced in quite a rush.
The rest was great! PM me if you want more advice.