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Worlds Collide (Part 1)

by Mea


Hermione Weasley stared at a plain concrete wall, trying to calm her nerves.

In every respect the wall was perfectly ordinary - painted white and unadorned save for a large curved crack running across it. The crack, though, was not. It was several inches wide, and behind it was only bright, impenetrable white light. And it was growing bigger. To Hermione, it looked rather like a jagged frown, stern and forbidding.

Behind her, the bustling crowd of her research team had quieted. The essential three spellcasters had gathered in a triangle around her. Everyone else had retreated to the edges of the large, bare room. The building had been a small Muggle gym, but as soon as the crack appeared the Ministry bought it off and turned it into a research facility with one subject: the crack. Now, months later, everything was ready. All the preliminary spellwork had been done. It would only take one spell to propel Hermione into a different universe, and a team of researchers were waiting for her to give the order.

Her colleague and good friend, Hannah, tapped her on the shoulder.

"Here's your bag," she said. "It's got everything you asked for."

“Thanks,” Hermione said, and shouldered it. It was a large camping backpack, and it was heavy. Inside was everything she would need, and then some. Food, water, maps, a tent, and other various odds and ends, all crammed in there. Hermione wished she could have used her little handbag instead. But since they didn't know if magic would work where she was going, it was better to use purely Muggle means. She did make sure her wand was stowed inside her pocket, though. No point in going without, in case magic did work.

“So, this is it, then."

Hermione turned to face Harry and Ginny, who had come up behind her unnoticed. She had already said most of her goodbyes, but these last few would be the hardest.

“Yes, we’re ready to start.” She was glad to hear that her voice was fairly steady.

“Just – don’t get into trouble, okay? Be careful out there,” Harry said.

“You know me – I never do anything stupid, just incredibly risky.” The joke felt forced, the words dead in her mouth.

“Good luck,” said Ginny.

They both gave Hermione a quick hug, then moved out of the way for Ron, who was waiting behind them.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. There’s plenty of people who’d be willing,” Ron said.

“Ron, we’ve had this discussion. I’m the leader of the research team, I need to be the one to go. I have to see if my researchers are still alive.” 

"But what if you can't get back?" Ron protested.

"Once I find them, we should be able to open the crack again together. It'll work out." Hermione knew she was trying to persuade herself as much as him.

“I s’pose I can’t stop you then, can I?” Ron said with a small smile.

“You wouldn’t dare try,” Hermione laughed, and pulled him into a hug. He held her there for a long moment, and she rested her head on his shoulder. I will see him again. I will. She kissed him before they broke apart.

“Take care of Rose. Y’know, if –,” she broke off, not wanting to say it.

Ron just nodded.

“Now go," Hermione said with a small smile. "I promise I’ll come back.”

“Okay,” said Ron. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yes, I do.” Hermione said tenderly. “And I love you.”

She watched Ron as he retreated to the limits of the circle, joining everyone else. Her parents were there, as well as most of the Weasley family. Hermione gave them one last wave. Then she turned to face the crack.

“I’m ready.” she said. “On my mark…now.”

The wizards and witches raised their wands and uttered the spell. The crack stretched wide, a yawning, malicious mouth. Hermione steeled herself and went right up to the edge of the crack. The white light was blinding. She screwed her eyes shut and and took the step into the abyss.

--------------------------

Hermione felt as if she were skydiving from space without a parachute. Something pressed against her on all sides, forcing the breath from her lungs and choking her. The sensation was similar to that of Apparition. Panic rose inside of her, but she forced it down. She was about to pass out when the pressure released her, and she fell face-first onto a floor.

She pushed herself up and swiveled around, only to meet blackness. She couldn’t see where she had come through. As she fumbled in her pocket for her wand, and pulled it out. Would it work?

Lumos,” she whispered. After a tense moment, the tip of her wand flared to life, and she squinted against the sudden brightness. That’s a relief, she thought. Probably means there’s some sort of Wizarding World here as well. Now, if I can just find the others, maybe we can all get home again. Assuming they’re still alive.

Hermione made her way across the room, wand held high. The room seemed much the same as the one in her universe, except instead of scientific equipment, it held exercise machines crammed in rows and shelves of weights in the corner. It was probably the storage room for the gym. Now that she thought of it, hadn’t that been what the room in her universe was used for, before the Ministry bought the entire place?

Hermione climbed the stairs and walked down the hallway, which also had the same layout. Hermione couldn’t be sure, but she thought everything looked exactly how the Muggle gym used to look. The Ministry here – if there was one – must not have discovered the crack. The lack of equipment also meant that the crack probably hadn’t been deliberately made by this side. Which could only be a plus, but then who or what had caused it?

Hermione entered the lobby to find it empty. According to a clock on the wall, it was 10:17 pm, long after closing time. She quickly slipped out a side entrance. She didn’t want to be caught trespassing.

"Nox," she muttered, extinguishing her wand light. Better not to risk it in a Muggle town.

The street was deserted except for the streetlamps, pools of light on an otherwise black night. Even this late, it was warm, and the humidity pressed down on her. She could feel her hair starting to frizz. There was no moon and no stars – clouds must have obscured them.

First things first. She needed transportation. She stuck her wand out, hoping to summon the Knight Bus, but nothing happened. She hadn't expected it to work anyway. She would have to take a Muggle bus to London. At least those ran at all hours.

Hermione made her way to a larger road. It wasn’t hard, as all the streets seemed perfect analogues to her universe. They had known from their observations that this world was similar, but Hermione hadn’t expected it to be identical.

When she got there, she found it was nearly deserted, except for a few people on late-night errands. She saw a middle-aged woman waiting to cross the street. She didn’t look too unfriendly, so Hermione decided to ask her for directions.

“Excuse me,” she said. “Can you direct me to the nearest bus station? I’m new in town,” she added, hoping to deter suspicion.

“Haven’t you got a phone?” the small, petite woman asked.

“It’s dead,” Hermione lied.

“Oh. Well, if you take a left from here and walk down the road, after a bit you’ll cross some train tracks. Turn left at the next road, then walk down that a ways until you get to Wood St. The bus station is right down that way – you can’t miss it.”

“Thank you,” Hermione said. “Do you know if there are any buses that would take you to London?”

“At this time of night?” the woman frowned. “I suppose so, they run at all hours, but that’s a three, four hour trip. Why not just wait until morning?”

Hermione hesitated. “It’s complicated, but I’ve got to get to London as soon as possible. Thanks again for your help.”

The walk only took about fifteen minutes, but Hermione wished it was much shorter. The night was eerily calm, and with only the sparse streetlights to guide her, it was hard to see. She stopped briefly to take a torch out of her backpack, which helped some. Every so often, a car would blast by, leaving her blinded by the headlights. One car slowed to offer her a ride, but she shook her head, not wanting to risk it.

Soon she wished she had accepted the offer. As far as she could tell, she was the only one on the road. But as she continued, she kept hearing little scuffles of gravel and soft footsteps. Each time she spun around, but saw nothing. She tried to tell herself it was all in her head, that it was only a fear of the dark manifesting. But Hermione had never been afraid of the dark, and she couldn’t shake the urge that something sinister was dogging her footsteps.

At last, she reached the bus station, having suffered no trauma other than being repeatedly blinded by headlights. She hurried in and checked the timetables. There was a bus from Cardiff to London leaving at 11:15. She bought a ticket for that, glad that her money passed inspection, and settled down to wait, as it was only eleven o’ clock.

She boarded the bus without incident and relaxed in her seat, getting some trail mix and pumpkin pastries out of her overstuffed camper’s backpack. The ride would give her plenty of time to plan her next move. She needed to contact the Ministry of Magic here, or whatever wizarding government there was. They could help search for her researchers.

She couldn’t send a Patronus or an owl, since she didn’t know who she was sending it to, but everything here was so similar to her universe that it seemed logical that the entrance points to the Wizarding World would be the same. She decided to check the visitor’s entrance to the Ministry first, then the Leaky Cauldron. It was a flawed plan, but worth a try.

Oh well, she thought, eating another handful of trail mix. If worst comes to worst, I’ll just do some flamboyant magic in front of Muggles and hope the Ministry is as paranoid here as it is in my universe.

When the bus pulled into the station at four in the morning, Hermione rejoiced. By her time, it was past midnight, and she’d been up all last night with Rose, despite Ron’s attempts to help. She already missed the little terror. She wondered how Ron was faring without her.

Hermione and a few other sleep-deprived travelers straggled off the bus near the edge of London. Hermione found the nearest hotel, checked in as fast as she could without looking at the price, dragged her backpack upstairs, and collapsed on the bed. It was odd not to have Ron in the bed with her, and despite her exhaustion Hermione wished she could be with him, rocking Rose in a futile attempt to calm her.

Part 2 is here.


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Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:14 pm
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Me, Pretzel here for the Big Review, and here I am as requested by you.

First impressions: My first impressions were that this story sucked me in, into another world, that I would like to know more about. You did a great job of keeping the reader interested throughout your whole text. The backstory of this character isn’t that fleshed out, because I still barely know why she crossed to the other world. It seems that you left us hanging by one sentence explanation, one thread of information. Don’t expect that to be enough, because by the time this 1st part ended, I had more questions than answers. I might jump into detail for this aspect later on in my review.

Nitpicks/General things

Hermione Weasley stared at a plain concrete wall, trying to calm her nerves.


~This sentence was not a hook to me, which was kind of disappointing because I was expecting a killer sentence to your hard worked story. Honestly, I read this sentence at least 3 separate times, and then was hesitant enough that I didn’t want to keep on reading :o You have to get your beginning right, so I would maybe suggest that you start with the light already shining in the crack. Try not to bore your reader, or make it look cliche. Because everyone stares at cracks in their wall, how is this different?

In every respect the wall was perfectly ordinary - painted white and unadorned save for a large curved crack running across it. The crack, though, was not.


~What does that second sentence mean. The crack was not what? (not ordinary,not white, not unadorned?) I don’t see a verb in there, therefore I can say that this is an ungrammatically incorrect fragment. Maybe either connect these sentences together or write a verb in here.

Her colleague and good friend, Hannah, tapped her on the shoulder.


~That’s a lot to say about a person in one sentence. To have a friend, you need to be one, and to be a good friend, you need to be a friend for a long time. This seemed very packed into one sentence, and I know that this is how you introduce a typical friend. But honestly, I don’t think that Hermione or Hannah are just regular friends. I wanted to know more about her, I want to know how Hannah met with her, how she ended up working with Hermione, and what her role was in this research lab? You need more backstory, no matter how major or minor your character is. The reason why, is at this point I feel no emotional attachment with Hermione. I don’t understand, I don’t feel their goodbye to be personal and final.

~You never really told me who Ron is. He seemed like her husband, but who knows? Maybe he was just her boyfriend or fiance that loved her and her kid, Rose. More backstory is needed here. I would understand relationship love, the kind that a husband has for a wife. But again, I don’t know anything about their relationship at all, so I didn’t feel anything, not a hint of sadness in the whole goodbye, which was in the first part.

only to meet blackness


~This is a nitty-gritty nitpick based on purely stylistic choice. But I don’t think that you can meet blackness, unless you are writing figuratively. I would change the verb up a little bit, so that it fits more appropriately to what Hermione is doing here.

Hermione felt as if she were falling through space at terminal velocity. Something pressed against her on all sides, forcing the breath from her lungs and choking her. The sensation was similar to that of Apparition.


~You wanted to know if some parts of your story were too confusing, and this specific passage was. I didn’t understand what the words terminal, velocity, and Apparition meant. I would actually have to look them up to understand what they mean, or what they are trying to say in this sentence.

According to a clock on the wall, it was 10:17 pm, long after closing time. She quickly slipped out a side entrance. She didn’t want to be caught trespassing.


~Really? All this trouble and work to go through into the other side of the crack, and she barely even investigates it? I kind of felt like though she should explore, and try to find something of use, something that might indicate how this crack was actually opened in her universe. Any tool from her backpack, or a picture or a item. Anything would be better than: “This is a gym equipment room where I landed, but now I have to get out because I don’t want to be seen as a trespasser.” Anyways, isn’t this where Hermione is going to have to get back to, to travel through the crack?

and she couldn’t shake the urge that something sinister was dogging her footsteps.


~Very vividly described, because I know this feeling, and I think that a lot of people do. This was probably my single favorite line out of the whole first part, so that’s why I wanted to highlight it for you. Brilliantly done!

getting some trail mix and pumpkin pastries out of her overstuffed camper’s backpack.


~This is the first time that you actually mention her using her oversized backpack. I would like to think that she used before, when she was taking the long walk to the bus stop.

When the bus pulled into the station at four in the morning, Hermione rejoiced.


Why would she rejoice? I read this sentence over a couple of times now, and I still don’t understand why. She should be tired or sleepy or anxious of the day that awaits her the next morning when the sun wakes her up. Doesn’t she remember that this is just the first part of her journey, not the third part?

Okay so now more onto the General

I thought that you didn’t really represent the brave part of Hermione here, as a character. All that I saw was weakness and tiredness in this whole part. The goodbye cries, the running out of the gym storage, being afraid of the darkness, and falling asleep quickly. All that screams to me, as a reader is weakness. Look at her weakness that is manifested throughout the whole story. If you want her to seem like a strong character, make her act like one. Make her do things of strength, not obligation or duty or fear. I just wanted to tell you, that you did flesh out her character’s flaws, so take that as a compliment if you wish.

Another thing, I know that Willa mentioned it, but I just wanted to talk to you about it from a different aspect. Rose is Hermione’s daughter right? Well again, it didn’t seem like so in the whole story, I was actually weirded out by this statement towards the end:
At least Rose won’t wake me up tonight


Whaaaat? :o I think that she would rather have her family by her side, then be all alone in solitude. What happened to a mother’s love? Why didn’t she interact more with Rose, you could have shown us some tender goodbyes. I almost doubted that she was made of mommy material by the end of this story, just because she didn’t think or worry or miss her precious daughter internally. I think that if you showed that then it would be much more realistic.

Overall, I think that this is the start of a potentially-great idea, and I am so happy that you kept on writing. There are just some aspects of this that I suggest you touch up on, so that this story is even better! If you have any questions/comments on this then please let me know.

~Peace Out~

/Pretzel/




Mea says...


Thanks for the review! Honestly, I feel kind of bad that I asked you to review this, since this is fanfiction. The people this is aimed towards would already know who Hermione and Ron are and what their relationship is. They would also know what Apparation is and would have a good guess as to what the crack is as well. That's why I didn't put any much backstory - for fans, it's not needed and would take up unnecessary room.

Also, since Hermione is going to be in the other universe for pretty much the entire story, I didn't feel the need to elaborate on characters who wouldn't be seen again.

You did help, though - I've had enough people confused with "terminal velocity" that I will be changing that, and you're probably right that Hermione shouldn't be "glad" that Rose won't wake her up, even if she's thinking it sarcastically, so I'll change that too.

I don't see how Hermione is weak in this. She's being incredibly brave by volunteering to go to an entirely different universe. She doesn't know if she can come back. Of course she's emotional when saying goodbye to her friends and family. And she doesn't hurry out of the gym because she's scared, it's because she doesn't want to get caught because it would cause a whole bunch of complications.

Finally, I'm glad you have more questions than answers! At the end of part 1, that's how it should be, though I should probably explain about the researchers a bit more.

Anyway, thanks again. It's always interesting to have an outsider's viewpoint on stuff like this. :)



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Fri Jul 03, 2015 12:35 pm
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willachilles says...



Hey, I'm back with the second part to my review.

I know, long time no read. It's been about 4 hours since my last review. Hope you liked my other rev- *realises she literally liked it*

Image

Let's start this review, shall we?

Hermione felt as if she were falling through space at terminal velocity.


I'm with @Carlito with this one. Is there any other way to describe this speed?

Something pressed against her on all sides, forcing the breath from her lungs and choking her.


Maybe you could add something to this...just read my add-on:

Something pressed against her on all sides, forcing the breath from her lungs and choking her. She felt dizzy. She felt like she was going to explode. She felt like passing out.

You see what I mean? Simply saying 'she was being choked' isn't very descriptive. Someone once told me that there is no such thing as 'over-describing.' Give the reader the opportunity to imagine more things. Not just the fact that she is choking. Hopefully, you get what I mean :)

She couldn’t see anything.


Her eyes are 'screwed shut'...

...and she fell face-first onto a floor.


Ouch. I mean, didn't she like, break her nose or something? I think you should say something like, how her forehead was grazed or something. I mean, terminal velocity is a lot. On Earth, it's 200km/h. In space...woah. And to land face-first on- Okay I'll stop. Getting to specific, Will. Too specific.

“Lumos,” she whispered. After a tense moment, the tip of her wand flared to life, and she squinted against the sudden brightness.


YES! IT WORKED! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Damn, I love your story.)

Oh well, she thought, eating another handful of trail mix. If worst comes to worst, I’ll just do some flamboyant magic in front of Muggles and hope the Ministry is as paranoid here as it is in my universe.


Smarty Pants! I would've never thought of that...

By her time, it was past midnight, and she’d been up all last night with Rose, despite Ron’s attempts to help.


I'm not quite sure what this means...

At least Rose won’t wake me up tonight, she thought as she fell into a dreamless sleep.


What an ending to a

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series. I want more! I've read the whole thing so far, and it's a blast. This would be a real hit with the Whovians and the Potterheads.

Image

Oh well, I better get over my rejoicing. Gotta sleep soon. Keep on writing. Oh, and, you probably realised that this part had not nearly as many fix-ups as the other one.

Because this part was amazing.

Image

Bye!

-willachilles




Mea says...


You're awesome. :D



Mea says...


Also, Rose is Hermione's kid. She's a little baby, which is why Hermione was up with her all night.



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willachilles wrote a review...



WOAH! This is probably one of my favourite series on YWS so far!

Hey, Will here, with the review I promised you I would do...ages ago ;)

I haven't really read much fanfiction on YWS, but this piece rocked. It was descriptive, it was paced, it was...everything you would want a piece to be! I mean, what a great idea to mix Doctor Who and Harry Potter!

So, the beginning was great. It was setting the scene - which was the right thing to do. I mean, imagine if the start was a 'dive into action' scene. You would start by describing someone falling through a crack. How weird would that be?

...painted white and unadorned save for a large curved crack running across it. Even the crack was perfectly normal...


The only problem I read in this part was, well, I'm not really sure 'save' would work here. I usually find that 'save' is used for minor details like:

...painted white and unadorned, save for a few marks here and there.

Here you're describing the biggest thing in the story. I think a simpler word like 'except' would fit better. Oh, and also, I added a comma after unadorned.

Even the crack was perfectly normal, except that it was several inches wide, and behind it was only bright, impenetrable white light. And it was growing bigger.


The first thing I thought when I read this was, "Yeah, cause a crack in a wall which is several inches wide and was glowing is perfectly normal." :P

I'm not sure if it's perfectly normal because it's Harry Potter's world and magic and stuff, but maybe you should just reveal it to the reader.

...curved crack running across it. But if you were to see the crack, you wouldn't exactly call it 'normal.' It was several inches wide, and behind it, was an immensely bright, impenetrable white light. To make matters worse, it was only growing bigger. To Hermione...

Yeah, cause even Hermione and her crew know that something's wrong. People are getting sucked into it! And that's going to be revealed to the reader soon enough so...you might as well tell them that it's weird.

Behind her, the bustling crowd of her research team had quieted. The essential three spellcasters had gathered in a triangle around her, and the rest had retreated to the edges of the large, bare room. The building had been a small Muggle gym, but as soon as the crack appeared the Ministry bought it off and turned it into a research facility with one subject: the crack. Now, months later, everything was ready. All the preliminary spellwork had been done. It would only take one spell to propel Hermione into a different universe, and a team of researchers were waiting for her to give the order.


I absolutely love this paragraph. It subtly fills in their setting, and what they are trying to accomplish. Perfecto Mundo.

...It was a large camping backpack, and it was very heavy. Inside was everything she would need, and then some. Food, water, maps, a tent...


These lines are great. I just have a few nitpicks.

...It was a large camping backpack, and it was very heavy. Heavier than she thought it would be. Inside was everything she would need, and then some. and some more.

That last change is completely unnecessary, but it's sounds better.

...all crammed in there. It was bulging and heavy, and she wished she could have...


The bold phrase is probably, maybe...a little bit too repetitive. Especially with the new sentence I added. Here's one way to fix it:

...all crammed in there. It was bulging and heavy, It was huge.* It felt like something was pressing into her back, and with all it's weight, it felt worse. She wished she could have...

Yeah, I know, still referring to weight. But in a different way.
* = Maybe upgrade this word :)

...She did make sure her wand was stowed inside her pocket, though. No point in going without.


Why? Why was there no point in going without? Because it's hers? Because it makes her feel safe? There has got to be some reason why she would take a wand (a magical thing) into an unknown universe, which she said herself:

But since they didn't know if magic would work where she was going, it was better to use purely Muggle means.


I know, the wand is needed because of the plot development in part 3, but you still could say something like:

She did make sure her wand was stowed inside her pocket, though. No point going in without. She still had that little pocket of hope, that magic would work in the other world.

It just backs up why she would take her wand. And especially why she would say, 'No point in going without.' Oh, that reminds me. I sort of swapped 'in' with 'going' in that sentence if you look again. Why? 'Cause flow.

“So, this is it, then.”


Who said this again? Harry or Ginny?

They both gave Hermione a quick hug, then moved out of the way for Ron, who was waiting behind them.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. There're plenty of people who’d be willing,” Ron said.

“Ron, we’ve had this discussion. I’m the leader of the research team, I need to be the one to go. I have to see if my researchers are still alive.” Hermione knew she was trying to persuade herself as much as him.


Maybe a little more emotion in these few lines?

They both gave Hermione a quick hug, then moved out of the way for Ron, who was waiting behind them.

Ron put both of his hands on Hermione's shoulders and stared into her deep, brown eyes.

“You know you don't have to do this. right? There're plenty of other people who’d be willing,” Ron said.

*insert whatever Hermione calls Ron - honey etc.*, we’ve already had this discussion. I’m the leader of the research team. I need to be the one to go. I have to see if they are still alive.” Hermione knew she was trying to persuade herself as much as him.


Changed a few things in there, especially in Hermione's speech.

“I s’pose I can’t stop you then, can I?” Ron said with a small smile.


Agree with @Carlito with this one. Ron suddenly got a Southern accent?

She kissed him briefly as they broke apart.


Briefly? Briefly? Only briefly? :'( Sorry, you can keep it like that but if Hermione doesn't return, then...:( (this is how much I love your story)

She screwed her eyes shut and and took the step into the abyss.


One of my favourite lines in Part 1. Perfect ending to...part one, of Part One?

And...I'm sort of tired now. I'll leave at P1 of the story so I can come back. Woah I wrote a lot.

Hope I wasn't too harsh on you. If I was, I'm sorry. I know, I'm a bit too nitpicky. But I'll come back in an hour with the 2nd part to this EPIC fan-fic!

-willachilles




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Thu Jul 02, 2015 4:36 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I haven't read HP Fanfiction in such a long time! :)

Hermione Weasley stared at a plain concrete wall, trying to calm her nerves.

"Hermine Weasley" makes me smile :)

In every respect the wall was perfectly ordinary - painted white and unadorned save for a large curved crack running across it. Even the crack was perfectly normal, save for the fact that it was several inches wide, and behind it was only bright, impenetrable white light.

That phrase I put in bold felt a little repetitive to me.

The building had been a small Muggle gym, but as soon as the crack appeared the Ministry had bought it off and turned it into a research facility with one subject: the crack. Now, months later, everything was ready. All the preliminary spellwork had been done. It would only take one spell to propel Hermione into a different universe, and a team of researchers were waiting for her to give the order.

This would be something Hermione does :p

Hermione turned to face Harry and Ginny, who had come up behind her unnoticed. She had already said most of her goodbyes, but these would be the hardest.

Saying goodbye to her husband and children is less hard than saying goodbye to friends?

“Good luck,” said Ginny.

This is such a minor factoid, but this line gave me such joy because it's what she said to Harry in the first book the first time he went to Platform 9 3/4 :D (and this journey feels like a similar feat into the unknown)

They both gave Hermione a quick hug, then moved out of the way for Ron, who was waiting behind them.

Okay good, he's here, too. The way it was worded up there, it sounded like Harry and Ginny were the hardest good byes.

I have to see if my people are still alive.” Hermione knew she was trying to persuade herself as much as him.

Hermione has people?

“I s’pose I can’t stop you then, can I?”

What kind of tone does he have here? That goes for the other dialogue as well. More descriptions about the tone (not needed after every line, but some) would convey more of the feeling in a showing way. Also, facial expressions would help for the same reason.

“Take care of Rose. Y’know, if –,” she broke off, not wanting to say it.

What about Hugo? Don't they have a son, too?

“Now go wait over there. I promise I’ll come back.”

That first sentence feels a little out of character to me and I'm not sure if it's needed. You'll convey the same things without it.

The crack stretched wide, a yawning, malicious mouth. Hermione steeled herself and went right up to the edge of the crack. The white light was blinding. She screwed her eyes shut and and took the step into the abyss.

Love this. I'm on the edge of my seat.

Hermione felt as if she were falling through space at terminal velocity.

What's terminal velocity? Is there another way to describe the speed.

The sensation was not dissimilar to that of Apparition.

I think 'the sensation was similar to that of apparition" would be more clear.

Now, if I can just find the others, maybe we can all get home again. Assuming they’re still alive.

I seriously want to know who these others are.
Maybe earlier when you mention the Ministry buying the building so they could study the crack, give part of what their theory is about it. Why is a crack so important to them? You could mention that through their studies they reckon there's a hidden world in there and people are trapped - or something like that. Don't give everything away, but give us a little more rationale as for why Hermione is risking everything to go inside this crack.

The room seemed much the same as the room in her universe, except instead of scientific equipment, it held exercise machines crammed in rows and shelves of weights in the corner. It was probably the storage room for the gym. Now that she thought of it, hadn’t that been what [u]the room[/i] in her universe was used for, before the Ministry bought the gym?

I would change the underlined parts to "the gym" to make all of the room stuff less confusing.

The rest of the building had the same layout as well.

How does she know that? Did she already explore the entire building?

She stuck her wand out, hoping to summon the Knight Bus, but nothing happened. She would have to take a Muggle bus to London. At least those ran at all hours.

Why would she assume this alternate universe has a Knight Bus? And how does she know she's still around London? The crack could have taken her anywhere, right? More description at the beginning about the mission and what they know (but without being an info-dump and without giving everything away) would be helpful.

Hermione made her way to a more major (larger/busier) road.


The walk only took about fifteen minutes, but Hermione wished it was much shorter.

The part after the comma doesn't seem necessary to me.
Also - she's a witch. Can't she apparate to London?


The night was eerily calm, and with only the sparse streetlights to guide her, it was hard to see.

Is she still using her wand for light or is it too risky since she's around muggles?

She needed to contact the Ministry of Magic here, or whatever wizarding government there was. They could help search for her researchers.

How does she know there's a ministry here? And yay! Now I know why she's here - rescuing other researchers :)

If worst comes to worst, I’ll just do some flamboyant magic in front of Muggles and hope the Ministry is as paranoid here as it is in my universe.

Wouldn't that get her in serious trouble, though? I get that it would be a fast way to access the ministry, but at what cost?

I'm definitely interested! Very intriguing plot so far. There are a couple of little inconsistencies I pointed out along the way, but I think you have a good start here. I don't need to say much about characterization because we all know Hermione is the bomb :)

I'll leave it at that for now. Looking forward to reading more! :)

Let me know if anything I said was confusing, or if you have any questions!




Mea says...


Thanks so much for the review! To clear up any confusion:

1. Hugo isn't born yet, and Rose is a little toddler.

2. They know from their studies of the crack that the universe on the other side is similar to theirs, and this hypothesis is reinforced when Hermione goes through and finds everything exactly the same. Because of this, she knows she's still in Cardiff, and she figures that she might as well try the Knight Bus because you never know - it might work. (Of course, it doesn't.)

Same goes for finding the Ministry of Magic - she doesn't know there is one, but since her magic works, she's assuming there's some form of magical government.

She doesn't want to risk Apparating because she can't be sure where she's Apparating to, since she doesn't know for everything's the same in London. She could end up Apparating into a wall or something.

I'll clear up the rest of the little things. :) Thanks again!




Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound