Heya Me, Pretzel here for the Big Review, and here I am as requested by you.
First impressions: My first impressions were that this story sucked me in, into another world, that I would like to know more about. You did a great job of keeping the reader interested throughout your whole text. The backstory of this character isn’t that fleshed out, because I still barely know why she crossed to the other world. It seems that you left us hanging by one sentence explanation, one thread of information. Don’t expect that to be enough, because by the time this 1st part ended, I had more questions than answers. I might jump into detail for this aspect later on in my review.
Nitpicks/General things
Hermione Weasley stared at a plain concrete wall, trying to calm her nerves.
~This sentence was not a hook to me, which was kind of disappointing because I was expecting a killer sentence to your hard worked story. Honestly, I read this sentence at least 3 separate times, and then was hesitant enough that I didn’t want to keep on reading You have to get your beginning right, so I would maybe suggest that you start with the light already shining in the crack. Try not to bore your reader, or make it look cliche. Because everyone stares at cracks in their wall, how is this different?
In every respect the wall was perfectly ordinary - painted white and unadorned save for a large curved crack running across it. The crack, though, was not.
~What does that second sentence mean. The crack was not what? (not ordinary,not white, not unadorned?) I don’t see a verb in there, therefore I can say that this is an ungrammatically incorrect fragment. Maybe either connect these sentences together or write a verb in here.
Her colleague and good friend, Hannah, tapped her on the shoulder.
~That’s a lot to say about a person in one sentence. To have a friend, you need to be one, and to be a good friend, you need to be a friend for a long time. This seemed very packed into one sentence, and I know that this is how you introduce a typical friend. But honestly, I don’t think that Hermione or Hannah are just regular friends. I wanted to know more about her, I want to know how Hannah met with her, how she ended up working with Hermione, and what her role was in this research lab? You need more backstory, no matter how major or minor your character is. The reason why, is at this point I feel no emotional attachment with Hermione. I don’t understand, I don’t feel their goodbye to be personal and final.
~You never really told me who Ron is. He seemed like her husband, but who knows? Maybe he was just her boyfriend or fiance that loved her and her kid, Rose. More backstory is needed here. I would understand relationship love, the kind that a husband has for a wife. But again, I don’t know anything about their relationship at all, so I didn’t feel anything, not a hint of sadness in the whole goodbye, which was in the first part.
only to meet blackness
~This is a nitty-gritty nitpick based on purely stylistic choice. But I don’t think that you can meet blackness, unless you are writing figuratively. I would change the verb up a little bit, so that it fits more appropriately to what Hermione is doing here.
Hermione felt as if she were falling through space at terminal velocity. Something pressed against her on all sides, forcing the breath from her lungs and choking her. The sensation was similar to that of Apparition.
~You wanted to know if some parts of your story were too confusing, and this specific passage was. I didn’t understand what the words terminal, velocity, and Apparition meant. I would actually have to look them up to understand what they mean, or what they are trying to say in this sentence.
According to a clock on the wall, it was 10:17 pm, long after closing time. She quickly slipped out a side entrance. She didn’t want to be caught trespassing.
~Really? All this trouble and work to go through into the other side of the crack, and she barely even investigates it? I kind of felt like though she should explore, and try to find something of use, something that might indicate how this crack was actually opened in her universe. Any tool from her backpack, or a picture or a item. Anything would be better than: “This is a gym equipment room where I landed, but now I have to get out because I don’t want to be seen as a trespasser.” Anyways, isn’t this where Hermione is going to have to get back to, to travel through the crack?
and she couldn’t shake the urge that something sinister was dogging her footsteps.
~Very vividly described, because I know this feeling, and I think that a lot of people do. This was probably my single favorite line out of the whole first part, so that’s why I wanted to highlight it for you. Brilliantly done!
getting some trail mix and pumpkin pastries out of her overstuffed camper’s backpack.
~This is the first time that you actually mention her using her oversized backpack. I would like to think that she used before, when she was taking the long walk to the bus stop.
When the bus pulled into the station at four in the morning, Hermione rejoiced.
Why would she rejoice? I read this sentence over a couple of times now, and I still don’t understand why. She should be tired or sleepy or anxious of the day that awaits her the next morning when the sun wakes her up. Doesn’t she remember that this is just the first part of her journey, not the third part?
Okay so now more onto the General
I thought that you didn’t really represent the brave part of Hermione here, as a character. All that I saw was weakness and tiredness in this whole part. The goodbye cries, the running out of the gym storage, being afraid of the darkness, and falling asleep quickly. All that screams to me, as a reader is weakness. Look at her weakness that is manifested throughout the whole story. If you want her to seem like a strong character, make her act like one. Make her do things of strength, not obligation or duty or fear. I just wanted to tell you, that you did flesh out her character’s flaws, so take that as a compliment if you wish.
Another thing, I know that Willa mentioned it, but I just wanted to talk to you about it from a different aspect. Rose is Hermione’s daughter right? Well again, it didn’t seem like so in the whole story, I was actually weirded out by this statement towards the end:
At least Rose won’t wake me up tonight
Whaaaat? I think that she would rather have her family by her side, then be all alone in solitude. What happened to a mother’s love? Why didn’t she interact more with Rose, you could have shown us some tender goodbyes. I almost doubted that she was made of mommy material by the end of this story, just because she didn’t think or worry or miss her precious daughter internally. I think that if you showed that then it would be much more realistic.
Overall, I think that this is the start of a potentially-great idea, and I am so happy that you kept on writing. There are just some aspects of this that I suggest you touch up on, so that this story is even better! If you have any questions/comments on this then please let me know.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzel/
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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