She didn't feel alive.
She was just sort of sitting there. Sitting and staring. Normally she'd be on her phone, connected to the rest of the disconnected people. She'd be looking down at a screen, scrolling half-hazardly through life. She was tired of that. She looked up and squinted at the sun and tried to remember the last time she felt alive.
She didn't feel alive right now.
Alive is when, in a sudden rush, you feel the cold. You feel the burn of the ice on your skin. Or maybe the awesome pain of loss, or the anger in failure. You feel the air running through your lungs, or its absence.
Ironically, you feel most alive when your life is threatened. You feel what the absence of life would do to you; it'd kill you.
That's so obvious it's stupid, right? But think about it. Name one person who the absence of life didn't kill.
She laughed at her thoughts as she stood up, shaking her head and bringing herself back into the present. Living in the moment, she thought, that was hard.
It was easy to plan and anticipate and dream. Dreaming. Please, she was a pro at that. She was so used to living with her head in the clouds that when the time finally came to acheive her dream; she'd miss it. She'd miss her oppertunity because she was too busy dreaming.
Dreaming is dangerous because it is not living. If you're not careful you'll spend your whole life dreaming. It's like a drug.
She made a note to spend her life living, not dreaming. She breathed deeply, and let her breath out slowly, feeling the way the oxygen escaped her body. Then she held her breath another moment. She held it until she felt her lungs ache; begging for air. Then she showed her starving prisoners mercy and reveled in the sensation of breathing. At that moment, she just wanted to feel.
That was living. Focus on the moment.
She felt alive.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello there!
That was pretty good! I really enjoyed it. I really got inspired by all the quotes that you used.
I also have to say that as you've written such a good, touching, thoughtful story, why not try to continue it? I mean you picked a subject, that many people can relate to so it would be nice to give it another go and maybe this time taking it to another , more possitive or (if you'd like) an even more complicated level with a story turn for example.
Great job though!
" Dreaming is dangerous because it is not living. "
That quote made me wonder for at least five minutes because it is so true. If you were dreaming and got murdered in your sleep. You wouldn't know would you? Its as if you just died in your sleep, like people do of old age. This story is so well written and sounds like it took forever. There is so much detail in the way you write it. Thanks for the story. Bye
-Oli
Thanks so much for the review. I'm really glad that you liked it!
Hi! I was planning on reviewing this, but after seeing all the reviews that you have I don't think there's much else to critique. But I would like to let you know, that I thought this was super awesome and sounded like it had been well thought out.
Thanks for the read, it was enjoyable.
~Cricket
Thanks for commenting! The more feedback the better!
I'm so glad that you enjoyed it.
This was kind of inspiring. I feel like I'm wasting away as I'm writing this, but it was good. the story seemed to be a commentary on modern life, about how people are so stuck on technology and themselves. It's seems to be a big chunk of their lives, and most of the time it's fake. They just miss everything because of it. I don't know if that's even a bit of what you were getting at, but that's what I saw.
I'm so glad you were inspired by this, that alone makes sharing it worth it. Thanks for commenting!
Hello there.
I'm not sure if what I'll type is a comment or a review, but here's what I thought.
), what made me want to read this was the title. And it kind of hurt me, because I am a hard dreamer, if that is even a term. But perhaps it is true, that dreaming can be a 'drug', but I was never fond of comparing things to drugs or addiction. Not that this opinion of mine matters anyway. lol Anyway, this line kind of struck me the most:
Seeing this in the Literary Spotlight (congrats btw!
(By the way, you misspelled 'achieve' there but the other reviewer pointed it out already.)
Also this:
Perhaps this a good punch to the face for many people because of how true it can be, and perhaps there are other people who can directly relate to what the character was feeling.
Speaking of character, the story seemed more like a prosaic poem than a story. I got no sense of plot or characterization except for the fact that she's a girl and the whole thing was all but a moment. Maybe you can try simplifying this into a poem and see how it turns out. Also, the whole thing seemed to be more about 'feeling alive' than dreaming being a drug. That, or the 'climax' with the dreaming part at the middle part of the piece didn't work for me enough. I don't know.
Sorry if I didn't make sense. xD
Anyway, I really liked this line,
specifically the way you used 'burn' after 'cold' with 'ice' instead of something actually hot. It (helped) set the whole coldness of the piece.
Another thing, I'm not sure about this but the 'not feeling alive' parts seemed cliché(-ish) to me. Perhaps I've just 'seen' many characters in literature who don't feel alive. Also reminded me of Bella from 'Twilight' just now. That passive, self-dramatic kind of character. Well, I'm not saying that you did this poorly, but perhaps I'm just not in the mood for drama right now. lol
Well, good job anyway.
Also just noticed you're new so welcome to YWS!
I'm not sure this reply went through the first time.
Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing! Bella from Twilight?? Ouch! XD But at the same time I can see why you'd think that and I agree with you. I don't normally write things like this. Lots of people have said things about how my describing dreaming as not living was "a punch in the face" but that the time that's really how I felt. I am a dreamer myself and I was angry with myself and bored with my life that day. I just wanted to feel something, even if that something was anger. It wasn't really meant to be anything but a thought, but now that you mentioned that could be a poem I think you're right. I've never been much of a poet, though. Also, I am a horrible speller and I apologize in advance for all the mistakes I will make in the future. XD Thank you again!
Yeah, sorry, I know how badly 'Twilight' is criticized. xD But me and my family actually belong to that percentage of the population who liked and enjoyed the moves. lol *ehem* Anyway, I understand what you are saying. I'm just a repressive kind of guy who's bad at facing anxiety. lol But if you get to read some of my poems, you'll see how self-dramatic I can be. xD
I will make sure to check out some of your work! Thanks again for the review!
Hello, thehotinpsychotic here to review!
First comes nitpicky errors.
"She didn't feel alive right now." 'didn't' implies that you're using past tense, but 'right now' is a present tense phrase. You could fix this by changing 'right now' to 'at that moment'.
"Or maybe the awesome pain of loss, or the anger in failure." Perhaps you could find a better synonym for 'awesome', and maybe add an adjective to anger, just to make it less generic.
"She breathed deeply, and let her breath out slowly, feeling the way the oxygen escaped her body. " This might just be a personal preference of mine, but I don't like to use scientific terms like 'oxygen' when describing things; I think it makes it sound too try-hard.
I did like this piece generally, but the ending left me feeling unsatisfied. Maybe you could say how she intends to live rather than dream. I'd keep the breathing part in there; that was a good first step for her. Maybe confirm that she is going to move forward in some way.
Overall, this was well written. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the review! I can appreciate anyone who takes the time to form an opinion about my writing.
IT'S SO INCREDIBLE! I love this! I can relate so much to it, it's literally me right now. I've always wanted to write a piece explaining just this and now I don't think I can write one that is so accurate and perfect.
I can feel exactly what she feels and have experience every emotion written there. Is this how you feel? I think everyone has their ups and downs and this certainly was a great way to describe them.
You misspelled opportunity (opportunity).
Thank you for sharing this
Sorry, I am a terrible speller so it won't be the last time. XD
I am so glad you relate to what I've said! I was apprehensive about posting it because I thought people would think I was bashing dreaming-I'm totally not! Thanks for your kind words.
Do you feel this way at all? I do. Too often. The emotion was conveyed in this story very nicely. Great job!
Thank you. And remember to live in the moment, but only when needed. -haywireimagination
But I have one question. You said in the story that "Dreaming is dangerous because it is not living." But is that true? Without your imagination, would you be able to live? My imagination is flawed in the fact where I cannot imagine a life without it. It would be like walking through life without living. But still a well-written piece.
Hi haywireimagination, I'm so glad you enjoyed it and thank you so much for reviewing. As far as dreaming not living; I was referring to waiting for your dream to come true when you should be out there making it a reality. I couldn't (and wouldn't want to) live without my imagination either. A lot of times it makes life more bearable.
Thanks again!
This was a very nice story, simple and to the point. I really enjoyed it.
I think I'm going to have to settle for nitpicking grammar, because I don't really see any large structural issues here, except for the breaking the fourth wall bit, which Firepower already addressed.
Just a simple misspelling you didn't catch.
You don't need a semicolon there; just use a comma.
These two paragraphs are kind of awkward to read. The first one is pretty good (the "I" shouldn't be capitalized, though). But the last line of the second paragraph is quite awkward. I see what you're trying to do with it, and I don't think you should utterly abandon that phrasing. Just reword the sentence a bit - if it were me, I'd probably say something like "Name one person who has survived the absence of life."
Other than that, this was a great story. I especially like how we don't even know the girl's name. It makes her feel more like a generic person that could be any of us, and it shows how focused this piece is - there is nothing here that is extraneous. Nice job!
Thank you so much for the review! As you can tell I'm not too good at grammar but that should improve after being on this site!
It's pretty good already! But yeah, it will improve on here.
Oh, this is nice. I totally feel like I can sympathize with the main character. I myself am a bit of a daydreamer, and a lot of the things you hit on in this poem are absolutely true. It's also true that sometimes, we're so deprived of actual stimulus and human contact that we don't feel alive. People are afraid of this happening to them, too. That's why you can see it in so much pop culture. If I may allow a few movie quotes to speak for me on this matter:
"The things you own end up owning you."-Fight Club
"You either get busy living or you get busy dying."-The Shawshank Redemption
So, as you can see, that is a theme that is frequently used, to varying degrees, in movies and television shows as well. I like that you mentioned how she would usually be on her phone, but that she was tired of it, of not feeling alive.
I loved the theme of the story, and the message. Allow me to harp a little bit here about POV. Sometimes we're seeing directly into the main character's thoughts, in third-person. That's cool because a lot of similar stories featuring some sort of epiphany are written that way.
However, there are other times when it seems like you are speaking directly to the reader, which not only screws with the fourth wall but also makes the cautionary message you are trying to convey a little too obvious.
Thank you so much for the constructive criticism! Not only that, but now I see how to write a proper review! Thanks!
You're welcome!