Have you taken a lackluster shower? Had a boring or forgettable bathing experience? No more! Our amazing new shower will make every wash an adventure! With the newest model: Hell Froze Over, your bathing will be an invigorating experience.
When you step into the shower, you’ll discover the fun starts before you even turn on the water! We’ve made sure that our floors are both dangerously slippery and concerningly sticky, with a comforting film of our patent-pending Who-Knows-What.
Once you are inside, forget the old-fashioned shower curtain. Our expert glassblowers have also created two exciting glass walls you can choose from. Our first option is, Clearo™ and Majestic Glass™.
Clearo is a clear glass box with never-before-seen crystal clear glass. It never fogs or gets dirty, so you can feel like you’re standing out in the open! It helps raise heart rate as you feel incredibly exposed and because no matter which way you turn, you will be visible. This is even more effective if you install our shower far away from a door. To help lose weight, consider buying our mirror and putting it nearby so you can shower looking at your own nacked body.
Our other option is Majestic Glass™. This special glass provides more privacy by turning the light that passes through it into round inkblots. This glass makes every object in your bathroom a murderer out of the corner of your eye. If a spouse or, better yet, that murderer does come upon you while shower, you will look like an alien otherworldly skin-colored Picasso.
But, what if you want to take a bath? Do not worry, it’s still an adventure!
The drainage plug uses cutting-edge Rubik-cube tech to make a fun game to solve every time you need to take a bath. It has been proven that standing nacked and cold fiddling with a plug can help improve your IQ. So, with our design, it will take you at least five frustrating minutes to get the plug up or down.
Now that you have the plug down, you might want to check the bath - to make sure it clean. Luckily, our chemists have kindly invented a paint that makes the bathtub look deceptively clean, but when you fill it up, you will have a surprise of body hair and mystery floater confetti!
And once you turn on the water, you will discover our most proud feature. No other showers currently on the market have such an exciting hydro experience.
First, there is no notation on our shower to tell you which way is hot and which way is cold.
Better yet, since it takes a while for the warm water to start coming, on top of the 5 minutes spent trying to get the drain up or down, you’ll have tons of fun trying to find which ways warm. You’ll turn it one way, wait a moment, and when it’s still cold, you’ll turn it the other, only to discover that the other side had been the warm one all along! This fun exercise can breed humility and self-doubt, and if you are already low on patience, then this may take you hours to figure out.
Once you get the water on, you may find that it’s taking a while to heat up, so you’ll turn it to the warmest side. After a couple moments of cold, it will then turn to pure lava. If you turn back the other way, it will then spew liquid nitrogen. Fun all around! If you have the foritude, you can spend a couple minutes toggling between the lava and ice eventually, you will find the sliver where the nob can sit in comforting warmth.
But we wouldn’t leave you with such a boring experience. Soon even that sliver will begin to feel tantalizingly lukewarm. Then, suppose you turn the handle even a slightest hundredth inch to the warm side for more comfort, a portal allows plasma from the surface of the sun to spew forth from the showerhead. Then if you try to turn it back, our nanotech makes it nearly impossible to ever find the sliver again, and you get to experience the purely theoretical cold of absolute 0.
But what do I hear? You prefer baths over showers? Well then, there’s a whole world of adventure there as well! Once you find a comfortable temperature on the facet, you might want to leave the bath to fill up while you get something around the house done. Great! Once you come back, don’t double-check if it’s still that the temperature you set it on, or that might ruin the adventure, just jump right in! This way, you’ll get the surprise of discovering the bath has heated up to temperature of the core of a dying star.
Just call us to install Hell Froze! You’ll never be bored bathing again!
If you buy the family pack, it also comes with a tiny shard of a bar of soap, covered in a random family member’s hair!
I'd love to hear if you think this is funny, if you think any of the joke beats don't work, are misplaced, or could be improved! Or any ideas for other funny other things the shower could have?