Goodbye forever, Never Mine - part II

******

Time went by. She thought about him all the time, had beautiful dreams and nightmares alike, about him. She cried for him and mourned him. wonder, do you let yourself feel it all or anything at all? Oh, all this time I have wasted daydreaming about all the possible scenarios of how we still might have some future together. Like, how would we meet again and reconnect, and you would say all the things I want to hear. She wondered what kind of life would they have. Would it be possible for them to have a great life? You know, all of it: family, wild sex life, companionship, partnership. Happiness. Maybe they could’ve had it all and maybe she could’ve made him happy. If only he gave her even a slightest chance. Maybe they would have crashed epically. A lot of maybes have been left behind. Hannah doesn’t regret a lot in life, but she started to regret him a long time ago. Sometimes she feels like she is being haunted by the ghost of him and wishes she could go back to that first time they met in the park and tell herself to run away as fast as she can. Just like that song says:

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Oh, take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself

What the hell I'm supposed to do

And then I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you”

He haunted her everywhere, all the time. She would try meeting someone on Tinder, there he was. she would try switching to Hinge and again, there he was. She went to her home town, met a new tenant and guess what his name was? She came home, met the new next door neighbor. Can you guess what was his name? She tried to run away so she went to have coffee with her best friend. Lilly has this small balcony that looks like something out of one of Shakespeare's books, where they could just close themselves off from the world and filter out their sorrows and burdens to each other. Hannah loves that balcony. After some time on that balcony, she would feel lighter, rejuvenated and hopeful. She loved how it used to feel. Dean has ruined that as well. See, the balcony was overlooking this little dry cleaners shop from the building across. Now it has been turned into an optics shop. There is this big sing, biggest one of all. And it has his surname on it. She hopped the beginning of new college year would occupy her enough to think less about him. And it helped. She was focused. Worked 8 hours a day, listened to lectures for 3 hours, went for a beer with her classmates, went home, slept and repeated it all. The only free time she had was between going to bed and falling a sleep. And once her head would hit the pillow, her mind would find a way back to Dean. Wondering how he was, how many girls has he dated, was he ever been honest with her, does he miss her even a little bit, etc. And then she got paired with a colleague for a school project. Of course, his name was Dean. That little fact was enough to distract her from her path of focus. Then a guy ran over her cat. Again, they shared a name. She met a cute and nice guy and everything seems to click just right, but then he came to pick her up for a first official date. When Hannah saw his car, all hope went down the drain. He drove the same car as Dean. She never saw him the same way again.

Why does he keep haunting her? Why does she still think about him after everything that happened? Why does she know his number by heart? Why wouldn’t the Universe allow her the mercy of forgetting him?

Taylor Swift’s “I knew your were trouble” was playing on the radio one day. Hannah remembered how those lyrics were the first thing that came to her mind during that handshake when they first met. Words echoed in her mind then: “I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now. Flew me to places I'd never been, yeah, now I'm lyin' on the cold hard ground. Oh, oh (yeah), trouble, trouble, trouble”. She believes now those were her instincts screaming at her, warning her, but she chose to ignore it. All those happy moments of their sex flooded her mind. How happy they were in those moments. From her perspective, at least. She knows, she has no idea how he really looks when he is happy. She knows how he looked in moments of pleasure. That’s not the same. Oh, how all those lyrics hit her differently now and how their meaning makes sense. Like: “Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, I was in your sights, you got me alone, you found me, you found me, you found me. I guess you didn't care and I guess I liked that and when I fell hard, you took a step back, without me, without me, without me. And he's long gone when he's next to me and I realize the joke is on me.” or “No apologies, he'll never see you cry. Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why you're drowning” and finally “A new notch in your belt, is all I'll ever be and now I see, now I see, now I see”. But still, she would often catch herself thinking about him and his future. Like, what could his life look like in, let’s say five years? Would he want to know what she sees?

Hannah supposed he would be married to someone who would, unlike her, satisfy his aesthetic preferences, someone who his father, whom he idealizes, would approve of, someone who he would consider socially acceptable option for his “status”, someone he could at lease try to respect. Hannah would guess he has a kid or two by now. Picture perfect little family. Happy, at least from the outside. But she

believe she is trying to find this perfect woman, maybe some idealized version of his ex, with qualities that usually don’t go together with dirty mind to match his. Would his wife be able to match him in bed? To challenge him, relax him, encourage him, excite him and let him escape everything, all at the same time? She doesn’t think he was the type who would get high and have a dirty, dirty, sex with the mother of his children. So Hannah sees Dean with the family he wants, but unfulfilled in that basic, primal way. He would probably end up cheating on his wife, trying to chase some quick pleasure, some unattainable gratification to satisfy that part of him. She wonders if he would be unhappy for cheating, would he feel guilt or self-loath? Or would he consider it justified, normal and not a big deal? Would he tell himself it doesn’t count as long as he goes back to his wife every night? She will never know. She knows, though, she doesn’t wish a life like that for him. She hopes he will find someone he could truly be devoted to. Someone who would be equally devoted to him, just as Hannah was ready to be. She will never know if he hadn't given her a chance because she wasn’t physically attractive enough; could he be that shallow? Was it something about her personality that repulsed him? Was it her attitude? Had he ever regretted not giving her a chance? Does he ever miss her? Does he ever think about her, other than her blowjobs? Does he will be thinking about for the rest of his life, she is sure of it. Does she ever keep him awake a night as he does her? Does he ever feel truly bad for the way he treated her? Does it haunt him, knowing how much he hurt her? Was he ever honest with her? How many lies has he told her? How many important things has he left out of the conversation on purpose?

******

Two or three months went by. Hannah was ready to move on. She made a new Tinder account. Of course, he was still there and she tried so hard to ignore him. She started dating again. It was fun. Then Dean messaged her again. She was so pissed off. There he was, pretending like he had never hurt her, like he is not using her and humiliating her and disrespecting her. There he was with his half-ass excuses and dishonest apologize. This time she snapped. She can’t remember everything she said to him, but she remembers being very cruel in her analysis of their behavior. She analyzed them both, equally critically and harsh. She asked him why the hell does he keep coming back again and again when he knows he will change absolutely nothing in how he treats her and he damn well knows he will just break her again. She told him how she doubts it is due to the lack of opportunities, because she thinks he has plenty of other opportunities. Hannah was good enough to fuck, but she will never be good enough to love. So what is it that keeps him coming back? Is he that desperate? She admitted she keeps letting him come back out of desperation and not due to the lack of opportunities. She desperately misses the way he felt, the way he touched her, the way he made her feel, the pleasure he provide. She said a lot in those messages. His only reply was: “Why do you always have to go there? Why do you always look at the dark side?”. Later on she realized it was his birthday that day. He never told her when his birthday was. She just saw on a freaking dating that his age changed. She deleted him from her life once again. She lost a track of how many times she has broken it off and fell back in again. Again, she was broken to pieces.

See, the biggest problem with letting him go is the fact that he accomplished something she has tried to achieve her entire life with no success. She’s been an over thinker ever since she can remember. She always measured her value in how others see her. She spent her life feeling inadequate, unimportant, unworthy, unattractive, uninteresting, and so on. Because of all those issues and over thinking, her brain developed this constant need for control. Over the years she tried to switch if off for at least a while. She tried with alcohol, drugs, sex, by taking unnecessary risks, making drastic changes, etc. Nothing ever worked. Even when she was at her drunkest or when she would take insane amounts of drugs, he mind wouldn’t shut up and let go. And then he came along and accomplished something not even an LSD managed to do. He paused her brain. He made her forget everything, switched off all the negatives, made her let go of all thoughts and control. She probably never felt that secure, confident and relaxed in her entire life. He gave her some of her highest and best moments in life, but he also caused some of the worst and most painful ones at the same time. In the aftermath, he caused more damage than anyone. Well, he gets a second place on that list. First will always belong to her father. She has this theory that can never be confirmed, but she does believe she is right. He is also messed up because of his father. The one he idealizes, adores and worships. he worships a guy who, as he once told her, was never faithful to his mother because, as he put it, he has always been a charmer. At the same time, he resents his mother for not sticking with it for the sake of the family. He resents her for the divorce she has not caused and for re-marrying and giving herself a chance at happiness. Hannah still remembers how sad she felt when, in the moment of weakness, she decided to stalk him on social media. She found his father on Facebook. She searched and searched for any trace of Dean, with no success. If she didn’t know any better, she would say that man has only one child. It seemed he was extremely proud of Dean’s younger brother. Hannah’s eyes filled with tears thinking of how it must have made Dean suffer all these years. But she believes he craves his fathers approval more than anything and that most of his choices in life are based on what would his father do or want. She thinks he doesn’t really know what he want in a woman or in life, but he has this idea of what would please his father and he decided that is what he wants. He might have a lot bigger daddy issues than Hannah. And based of superficial impression she had of his father, she is sure she would be inadequate and a horrible choice for Dean in his fathers eyes. She would not be pretty enough. She would be too opinionated and to “undomesticated”. Unsuited to be a role model wife and a mother of his grandchildren. Was that part of the reason he never gave her a chance?

Life moved on. She met a nice guy again. Kevin. He wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, but that was fine because neither was Hannah in all honesty. It’s not that she didn’t like him enough for something serious, it’s just that he was a temporary bandage for all the scares Dean left behind. But he talked to her, he spent time with her, he saw her, he felt her, sex was great and it was comfortable. But she never had the urge to delete the dating app for him. One day Dean showed up on her screen again. New profile again. Oh, how her heart ached, how much she missed him. She stared at his profile, trying to resist the urge to check it out and trying to force herself to block him. So the decision was made to give him one last glance and block him before he gets a chance to suck her back into that vortex of pain once again. She was staring at his pictures, remembering all the things he did to her. She can still feel his lips, his tongue, his fingers and his manhood all over her and inside of her. And she remembers how it felt to pass her fingers over his arms and body. She misses how all of it made her feel. She flipped over to another picture, one she hadn't seen before and although he looked gorgeous, adorable and irresistible, she thought she saw only sadness hidden in his eyes. Then she noticed he updated his “about me” section. It now said: I have a soul, believe it or not. She was wondering if he was talking to her because she called him soulless more than once, or if he is talking to all the girls he used and hurt (because Hannah is sure she was just one of many)? She remembers the last time they were torturing each other by passive-aggressive means. She updated her “about me” section with this quote about what it means to have courage. It was her passive-aggressive way of telling him she thinks he was a coward. He changed his afterwards to say: Wait, really. And Hannah believes it was his passive-aggressive way of mocking her.

And then another moment she will never be able to forget. Her eyes moved just above the text, back towards his picture, and that’s when she saw it. Something she never saw before. A wedding ring. Her heart stopped in that moment. She couldn’t take a breath. She was suffocating, drowning in her own tears. Has she really been that stupid and naive all that time? She couldn’t decide if she should feel relieved as some of his behaviors made more sense now and she could finally understand it was never about her or if she would just fall apart to so many pieces no one will ever be able to put her back together again. She was in shock for days, confused, hurt, broken and beaten down. Days and days passed by as she was lost half way between living in a fog and feeling completely dead inside. Finally, she decided to text him. Unfortunately, she still had his number imprinted in her mind. He tried to convince her she was crazy and how her eyes are fooling her. She couldn’t believe he would refuse to show her even the slightest shred of decency and respect and for once, own his own mistakes and be honest. Once again, he turned her world upside down. She couldn't lash out on him because it would not affect him at all. He had proved that over and over again. So she lashed out and redirected her issues to the New guy. First, she fucked someone else, but sex wasn’t satisfying because of the emotional hurricane Dean had caused. Then she tried to force the New guy to commit even though, deep inside, she did not want to commit to him. When he gave her rational reasons for why that can’t happen, and those reasons matched her true feelings, she called it off. She probably turned him into the villain of the story, but in truth, it was Hannah herself who was the villain. She can only hope she hadn’t hurt him a lot along the way. She remembers how sometime after the break up when she got sad because of Dean and she was horny so she called the New guy over. He came and it was great. But she felt bad afterwards so she canceled their next date and told him they mustn't do that again. She can’t remember if she blamed him again or not. Next time she got sad and horny because of Dean, and was tempted to call one of her exes over for a fuck she realized: “I couldn’t risk turning into you” so she deleted and blocked all of them. She decided to delete the app to stop herself from avoiding focusing on her own issues by having sex.

Months went by and she was doing fine. Then she needed to release some of the work stress and everyday life problems that were piling up. She reinstalled the app. There he was, Dean. Every time she came online she would check if he was online as well. She already knew he will like her again because he doesn’t care about her feelings, he proved that enough times before. She knew she didn’t care for his lies, past hurts and cruelty. She didn’t care for his wife or the question if he has one, and if by any chance he was honest, she didn’t care if he was seeing someone else and hurting them. She knew her wanting him was more important than anything. She knew she wanted to fuck him, consequences be damned. But, she also knew she would torture him for a while before “caving in”. She talked and flirted with other guys, she played his game. She thought she can just use him for sex, like he used her, until she finally met someone with a perspective for more. So one day she decided she really needed to fuck him, badly. She needed him to silence her brain, to give her mind blowing orgasms, pleasure her. She needed to play with his dick. She wanted to lick it, suck on it, push it deep. He came over. They were both anxiously waiting for small talk to end, they knew they weren’t there for that. And, oh my fucking God, how great was that dirty game of theirs!! She didn’t care where his dick was, she didn’t want a condom. She was completely reckless, drowning in her desires. Again, there was this moment of hurt in the middle of the sex. He resisted her kiss at first. There they were, in the middle of fucking, and not even one kiss. He had no problem literally swallowing her entire pussy or licking her ass, but a simple kiss was where he draw the line? But it didn’t bother her that much, she has gotten used to it by now. She wouldn't dare expect anything else from him at this point. She just enjoyed fucking him so freaking much. She remembers how at the first peak of his pleasure he almost wept about how he would give everything to come inside her. She smirked at him, sarcastically telling him how he isn’t worth taking the morning after pill. Second round was even more intense. They just enjoyed their playfulness in pleasuring each other. Oh fuck, how amazing that last orgasm felt! They shared a cake and a joint before he left. It felt good. You even kissed me a couple of times before you left.

Next few days he texted her every day. Shallow and short texts. She played along, replying hours later with a word or two or just an emoji. Then one day she needed to fuck again but he said he has a lot on his schedule for the day. So she asked if he was free the next day. He didn’t reply although he read the text. She finally figured out it hurt a lot less this time. It still hurt, just not so intensely. So she figured, if it hurts less and if he isn’t good even for occasional sex, it is time to end it once and forever. So, without a word, she deleted him. She blocked him everywhere she could’ve think of. She decided to mourn him one last time. To paraphrase Taylor Swift, after months and months of back and forth, traces of him covered her like a wine-stained dress she can never wear again. He turned her life into this black, perfect storm so she let the flood carry away all her memories of him. She was drowning, lungs filled with swallowed tears and pain. She was screaming but he hadn’t heard a thing. She was drowning, but she could finally breathe. She knew there was nothing left to do but let him go for good. She thinks she is finally clean of him, even though she sometimes misses him. But now that she is sober of him, she knows she can never give in again. She is never going to risk it again. He was her heroin. he slowly kill her and destroyed her life. In exchange for very short and, in hind sight, insignificant moments of pleasure. She had a fair share of relapses, but she thinks this time around, rehab will stick. She thinks she is finally free. So she played her final goodbye song for him, by Cannons:

In the dead of the night, I see your face in my mind

Close my eyes and I try real hard not to cry

But you put stars in my eyes and now I'm hypnotized

But you were never mine, so never mind

Just can't get you off of my mind

So never mind, you were never mine

Never mine

You vanished out of my sight, out of touch, out of time

Go ahead, say goodbye, you and I were never right

How many ways can we try? How many ways can we die?

How many ways should we try 'til the river runs dry?

But you were never mine, so never mind

Just can't get you off of my mind

So never mind, you were never mine

But you were never mine, so never mind

Just can't get you off of my mind

So never mind, you were never mine

Never mine

And she wrote one last thing for him:

So, goodbye forever, mister Never Mind. Thank you for all the memories and all the pain a like. I might not understand it now, but I am sure in time I will remember this as a valuable lesson. The lesson that will allow me to find someone who actually deserves me because you never did. I was always too kindhearted and loyal for someone like you.

So, goodbye forever, mister Never Mine. I was nothing but a toy. You will be burned in my memory as sad beautiful tragic love affair. Beautiful, cruel and cold. Extremely careless human being.

So, goodbye forever, mister Never Again. I know you will never read this and that’s fine. This one is actually for me. To find my own closure and leave you behind. On these pages you will fade away from my heart.

This is for you, D.S...because the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, as T.S said.

She closed the book and never looked back.