Young Writers Society

Hi MayCupcake,

Mailice here with a short review!

This is a beautiful poem and I enjoyed reading through it and pausing to think what it might mean to everyone. I like how you use water / the ocean, and describe it as something relaxing and calming, and yet something that makes you wonder. It´s a classical but beautiful metaphor. As big as the ocean is, so is the variety with people who come up with ideas to describe it.

Some highlights that stood out to me:

Along the distant blue,
Foam rolls with the waves
And descends into lighter hues.

I like your beginning, how it shows of a concrete structure and describes the ocean changing colour. You described it like a wave coming onto the beach and breaking.

Then, one day the ocean left.
It took it's breeze,
It took it's shells,
And it took it's leave.

I don't know why I like this verse so much. Maybe because I read a little too much between the lines here and think that you can exchange "ocean" for a loved one in this stanza, which gives the whole section a very sad note.

Now all that's here for me
Is the lonely desert
As far as the eyes can see.
Though still warm and retained,
There's something missing
And will no longer be spoken by name.

I think I was imagining a loved one in the previous stanza, was also the section you describe very well here, adding a bit of loneliness and emptiness. I like that it becomes increasingly positive again in the second half here ("though still warm and retained,"). I really had the impression that this was about someone who has just lost a great love or a family member. Just the fact that you managed to make me think that way deserves praise for the poem.

What I like about the last stanza is that you don't just rhyme a-b-a-b, but combine three lines with the same rhyme. It's a very successful ending and leaves the reader with a positive memory.

I like how you try to make most of the lines rhyme. It doesn't come across as contrived or false, but good. Which leads to the fact that in some places you don't even notice that there are no rhymes.

Since I'm not that good at reviewing poetry yet, I can't say here that there's anything that should be improved. I like your metaphor and how you build it up. There is something melancholic in the poem. I think the most you can do, if you feel like it and have the time at some point, is to try to make the rest of the lines rhyme to complete the poem.

All in all, I liked it a lot and you showed that you can create big emotions with just a few words.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey there, Mordax with a review!

Okay, this poem is so good. I always love water imagery and you delivered spectacularly. So let's get into it...

And yet the splashing waves long for more.

I love this line. I don't know your meaning for this poem but I saw it as a regression into poor mental health and this ocean is happiness, contentment, and just overall the state of a healthy mind. But I love this line because you show that even this state of contentment isn't so perfect. It still wants for more, craves more, which is so accurate. No matter how at peace we feel or "full" we feel, we are humans and humans desire and crave even if we supposedly have it all.

Knowing the ocean will always remain

I love this line as well. The same way we find security and relief in places and people, we can also find it within our own mind, and I love how you showed that while also showing how what we thought to be permanent (ourselves and our mind) can also regress, dry up, and turn to a wreck.

Though still warm and retained,
There's something missing

Here, I love how you show that while the ocean is gone, this regression is still happening. The desert is described as warm and retained here and in the next stanza, it is suddenly burying, a wreck, and harsh elements. Beautiful writing.

My mind's far from peace and has no promise
That the ocean will ever come back.

Wonderful writing again. You smoothly transitioned from this belief of the ocean being everlasting to the fear that it will never return, which is a difficult development to make in a poem but you executed it beautifully.

I'm realizing now that I provided no critiques, but that is only because I could find none. Wonderful poem! Keep writing!

Mordax